I guess I don't belong here. It seems like just about everyone here filed for divorce - maybe just to protect themselves financially, but in any case they were the filers. So many people here say they hate their spouse now, they are better off without him, etc. - but I don't feel that way at all. I would never have filed for divorce, no matter what. I don't hate my H - I love him and most likely always will. I don't believe in the concept of "love bank" - I believe that real love is unconditional. Heaven knows my "love bank" should be in the red by now. I don't believe that it takes two to destroy a marriage - it takes two to maintain a marriage, but only one to destroy it.<P>I know my H has suffered from depression; I know he has problems with fear of abandonment and fear of not being loved and admired enough, and with self-esteem - and I think that his distant relationship with his father and the fact that his first wife (who was also his first girlfriend) left him only two months after they married, had a lot to do with this. I don't think he has ever been able to trust that anyone could love him unconditionally, and consequently continually looked for ways to justify his beliefs that he wasn't loved enough, reading negative intent into everything when none was intended. <P>I think he is terrified of ending up alone, and that, in large part, explains his willingness to go along with the OW's demands, even when they deprive him of time with his children. <P>All my friends are married, and I have little interest in getting involved in any "divorce support groups", largely because I fear that the vast majority of people there either wanted their divorce, or have convinced themselves that they are better off that way. Neither I nor the children are better off - we are far worse off, and always will be far worse off than had our family stayed intact. We will not be "fine". We will manage, I hope, but we will not be "fine". When a spouse dies, do people come up to you and tell you that you will get over it, and be fine? - I don't think so, at least not people with any sensitivity whatsoever. And certainly no one tells you you are better off without your spouse. Why is this any different? <P>

Nellie,<P>No one is suggesting they are better off w/out thier spouce. We are here alegedly to pffer support and <B>hope</B> while going through divorce.<P>I don't like the word fine to me it is an acronym for <B>F</B>***ed up <B>I</B>nsecure <B>N</B>eurotic and <B>E</B>motional.<P>We will survive this nightmare and in many cases we can thrive after this. If properly cared for I believe our children can and will assimilate into this new lifestyle.<P>One of the things that has kept me going is the fact that pain is inevitable and misery is a choice. In the 6 months that I have been here I have noticed your very negative, maybe that is too strong a word, outlook. You don't have to be miserable, it is a choice.<P>I do wonder how you can still feel romantic love for your H after all he has put you through. I still love Robin but in no way is it romantic, more like christian brotherly love. I am most of the way through my resentment now and my anger is fading fast. I have accepted the fact that she no longer wants to be my wife. Why should I hold on and live miserably when hope and happiness are right around the corner. We would have to start over and I just am not willing at this point.<P>Please do not be offended by my responce. In no way am I flaming you or am I trying to judge you. I am trying to give you some hope that you and your children can not only survive this but also use these lessons to better yourselves. You see there is a silver lining, you might not see it but I am sure your friends do. Be open to their suggestions and guidance.<P>With Love,<P>Bill<P>------------------<BR>BB<BR><p>[This message has been edited by WilliamJ (edited May 14, 2000).]

Happy Mothers Day to you and all other mothers here.

Hi Nellie:<P>I am currently in recovery but I come here because I have considered divorce as an option as recently as a couple weeks ago. this site keeps my thoughts and feelings in perspective. At this point, if there is a divorce for me it will simply be because I can't live with the demons. But, for the last three days, the demons have left me for a time and I am OK again. <P>I like this site because I like the people on it. And I have been divorced beofre and want to remember the pain in order to keep me from doing something I may regret.<P>Blessings<P>catnip =^^=<P>

Nelle1<P>I want you to know, there are quite a few of us here that didn`t and still don`t want this divorce.. I had no choice of the matter and delayed and delayed, and couldn`t stop what was happening.. yes I do NOW! hate my ex for devastating me, and hurting me so deeply, and my dauhter, because no matter what I said did, or tried, nothing was getting to him or changing his mind. he left and never looked back.. I am still to this day given the silent treatment, and not once was I vindictive to this man, and never did I purposly hurt him but yet he can walk out, not say a word about it, and treat me so cruley, after 16 yrs together.. this is unexceptable now to me.. <P>I didn`t know this until I was forced to go to a lawyer, but in New York, if the spouse that left, is out of the house for a period of a yr.. he can sign the divorce papers with out my signature.. I would have had to settle after the divorce was final, and that was not to my advantage.. I had no choice but to get me own lawyer, and go the distance.. he wanted out, in the wourst way.. and I am now giving it to him.. I am not wanted or needed any more.. his OW "perdue" is giving him all the needs he wants, and he won`t even talk to me any more.. not even about our daughter.. we have nothing together any more.. he is impossible to get through to.. <P>I can not fight a lost cause.. I can not keep banging my head against a wall.. he is a stone heart now.. and I have had enough greif to last me a life time.. I am still hurting to this day, and still totally amazed how he can walk around to all our freinds and show his face, and some times the OW is with him and not feel the unconfortablness.. he is just an alien to me now, and even the (so called freinds) are not freinds to me any more.. it is just as much a betrayal to accept this man and his OW into their lives, after being such a good freind to me.. If it were me, I would act indifferent to some one who hurt my good freind and never accept this woman as a new freind either.. this to me means that every one in this world are all two faced, and are too stupid to ever speak their minds.. it is a superficial world and every one in it is so surfaced, and no one stands up for what is right an what is wrong.. this OW is still married, so how could she, (never mind him) show her face to his family and freinds that knew me so much longer and even if they didn`t like me all that much, where is the morals and values a family have, and should stand up for.. <P>I can go on and on.. this was/is an outrage.. and it is going to take me a long time to not hate him any more.. maybe even until I can find some one to fill that spot he never seem to fill. the spot in my heart that I so long have yerned for.. a communicater.. I realize now that, that was always!! missing in our relationship.. his lack of communication was the ultimate wrong in our marriage.. this is the one thing I vow to find in the next man I`d like to love in my life.. he will have to make up for all my lost time spent with ex`s incapability in being a best freind, and unconditional.. that is my dream.. always was, and always will be.. I am an open book.. I have no problem talking about any thing with any one, ever!! I`d rather fight things out then live in silence.. to me silence is the torture any human kind can do to another.. it is the most cruelest thing to put some one through.. it is called mental abuse, in my book.. why on earth would I want to go back to that.. <P>AV

Nellie,<BR>Your posts always amaze me. You are so hurt and feel so much pain....even after all this time. Of all the people on this board.....there are 2 of you that I can relate alot to. One of them is you.<P>I am sometimes embarassed to feel anything for my stbx....to say that I hate him.....I can't...but I do hate what he is doing. I don't hate the man I married...I hate the man he has become. But in a warped way...I still feel love...why? I don't know....and part of my battle within myself is for this very reason.<P>I still cry over the pain, and the last few days I can say I almost feel just like the day I discovered his affair. It was so long ago...but the pain is still very fresh.<P>Some people get on with their lives so soon....even some betrayed. I do not understand how....Yes, I have gotten on...but I was forced to. <P>I agree.....that it takes only one to break up a marriage. But I also can take some of the blame.....because it is only human to know that we are not perfect and that there has to be something I did to make him mad or feel frustrated somewhere in our marriage. But I had NOTHING to do with his choice to have an affair.....and I will never take the blame for that.<P>I do not believe I pushed him in anyones arms...nor do I believe that I have made his mind up for him to treat us this way. I will not pretend that I am "ok" with his affair. It hurt...it was mean...it was abusive...it was selfish and it was uncalled for. The same with the abuse he has and continues to put us through. I take no blame. Don't for one minute think that I couldn't pick up a 2x4 and wack him on the head. But "I" choose not to.....I control myself. I do not speak negatively to him or to the children about him....because I have control of myself.<P>I did not want a divorce....never did.....never will. But I did file. He was running up credit cards....totally neglecting financial support...I had no choice.<P>It doesn't make me feel any better.<P>I agree with AZ...It kills me inside to know that friends accept him....treat him the same...and act like nothing happened. I know they see the change in him. I know they know what he is doing to me and the girls. It hurts...I know I shouldn't let it....but it does.<P>Nellie....I hurt for myself...my girls...and you and the many others who continue to feel the pain from someone we loved so unconditionally.<P>I wish you happiness....but I know if your like me.....it is a long time coming.<P>Nancy

Bill,<P>For me, love doesn't end. My H is not acting like the man I married, but I do not believe that the man he is acting like now is real. I have known him for 25 years. I have lived with him longer than I either he or I have lived with anyone on earth, including our parents. <P>I do not believe that children can "assimilate" - they can manage, they may not be miserable - but the sadness is always there, at least in the background. The other day my son looked at a picture of a man and his son doing something together, and commented on how sad that was. <P>willbok,<P>Happy Mother's Day to you as well. My oldest daughter took the younger ones out to go Mother's Day shopping yesterday. My kids have been so sweet and thoughtful.<P>catnip,<P>I am glad that you are doing ok again. I realize that not everyone who comes to this site is divorcing, but it seems that lately this particular site doesn't seem very pro-marriage.<P>AV,<P>My H was not a good communicator either, to put it mildly. I don't really have the issue of our friends accepting her, since I don't think he has had any contact with any of our mutual friends since he left. I agree that most people are superficial. <P>Nancy,<P>I guess I don't think my H has really "become" this new alien - it is more like the alien has taken over his brain, and he is powerless to fight back. <P>I certainly wasn't perfect - I am sure I did things that made him angry - but I never got any feedback. It is hard to know what to do when you are never told that what you are doing bothers someone, and even when you ask directly he apparently lies and says everything is fine.

Nellie1..I agree that divorce is the worse. I don't believe in it, but I filed because for me there was no other way. My H has a multitude of problems...I have been there for 16 years to help him. In the meantime...I have a lovebank in the red. Is that right and fair? Love can be unconditional, but it also respects the other person, thinks of the person, puts the other person's needs above their own. My S did none of those things. He was always first. I didn't matter. After awhile I felt like a doormat. I know in my heart that I did everything possible to make the marriage work...my H was happy, I was not. One cannot do it alone. Even now I have second and third thoughts about what I'm doing. I don't want to be single...the thought makes me sick, but the other choice is to stay in a loveless marriage where I do the loving and my S does the receiving. I'm tired. As much as I don't want to be single, considering my options, it beats what I'm living with now.<P>

For some reason, Nellie, I too am often drawn to your pain-filled posts. I guess it's because I can understand loving the person who broke your heart despite great odds. Make no mistake Nellie, I have loved my H for years after his first several affairs, and I REFUSED to let go. Yes, I ended up having an affair, and I think that's why you have a difficult time relating to me. I want to remind you that my H cheated with several women before my affair, and at least one after (which is still ongoing). I'm not keeping a count or comparing 'his' and 'mine'... all I'm saying is that I understand both sides.<P>When he came over today with a spider bite on his knee, I lovingly cleaned it, put a bandaid on it, and told him to take care of himself. I think that is the difference here. My H does still communicate with me. He still has his OW, but that doesn't stop the love. Honestly, I do love my stbx... just not like I did when I was deeply in love with him. I filed because I couldn't take giving myself to David again only to be trampled by another affair that won't end. I have spent the last year asking for forgiveness for my mistake (affair), begging him to love me, Plan A'ing (though not very successfully), Plan B'ing (that didn't last a day ever) and Plan Sheryl'ing... I just couldn't do it anymore. <P>When all is said and done Nellie, your life must go on. Your children must go on without dad in their life. And you are young... very young... and I hope you find love, because the pain will eventually kill you and your children need their mother.<P>Happy Mother's Day Nellie... and take good care of yourself... your children, and even you, need that!!!

Hi Nellie1:<P>I'm here by my doing also. I filed. I'm not happy that I'm in this situation but had to do it for many reasons, not financial. We live in different counties and the county I live in has more advantages (things get done in better timeframe, courts are not all backed up, better judges-I think). There were other considerations like how it was worded (to prevent him from bringing my children around unrelated, unmarried third parties, etc.), it was only a matter of time til he filed so I did it first. I too told myself I wouldn't file - but when it came down to protecting my kids I had to. I would have loved to reconcile and really tried (lots of times I thought we were on the right track), but he wanted only to continue having his family and his affairs both - and what self-respecting woman would agree to that.<P>I think people may say they "hate" their X's but I think that's just part of the pain. The true opposite of love is indifference, not hate. Hate can only come when someone still really cares. Unfortunately, indifference is what I have. I found out the guy I thought I was married to wasn't real - he truly was someone else the whole time (some of my friends and relatives saw it, but I didn't), and he cheated on me consistently from the very beginning 14 years ago. I should have known better than to marry the "popular" guy from highschool! Especially when I was so NOT. I don't hate him at all, I just don't care anymore what happens to him or who he's with. I guess I'm just exhausted from the plethera of new "discoveries" this past year and really am looking forward to moving on.<P>My family won't be ok either. Sadly, my kids' father left. How does anyone ever make that ok? I don't know where to begin. The only thing I can do is go back to where I'm from (he uprooted us and moved us to another state where I'm alone), I have a very large family that is going to give my children that connection they need, and the help I need. That's the only way I can see us making it.<P>Everyone is different. I am a Christian woman who believes God wants reconcilliation above all - but my life just didn't go that way. The bible also says to let the unbeliever depart, on top of the fact that he was always screwing around and was not sorry for any of it. I don't know. I think we're all sad here - but there's nothing wrong with looking forward to something better ahead, especially when you know God is in charge. <P>I'm just very sorry that you've gotten this impression. Sometimes I am happy even thru this, because my life has SO MANY things to it - not just the divorce. My H is not paying our bills and ruining my credit - but I can still go out and smile with my neighbors and talk about the flowers that are coming up. God didn't put us here for the purpose of being attached to another human being, that's just something that happens along the way. Your purpose is an individual thing and your happiness shouldn't rest on someone else's shoulders either - well that's how I see it.<P>I wish you much better of everything in the your future. <P>Kathy

Nellie... <P>I filed for divorce also. Not because it was what "I" wanted, but because I no longer had the strength to fight anymore. Perhaps this is a character flaw in me, but I refused to be the doormat. The pain of trying to hang on was killing me. Once I let go, I began to feel better. That's not to say I don't feel sad or angry. I do. But now I'm calmer and more at peace. But I can't tell you what's right for you. Only you can do that. I think each and every person here is doing the best they can with what they've got. I might not like the cards I've been dealt, but it's what I got. I have to deal with it, like it or not. As for "hating" my stbx...there is such a fine line between love and hate. I still love him, and probably always will, but I hate the things he is doing. I hate the person he has become. He didn't even take the kids to buy me a Mother's Day card for heaven's sake. This is NOT typical behavior for the man I married. I know it's hard for you. BELIEVE me I know. It's hard for everyone here. I just had to start moving on. I don't know what to tell you except you are either going to continue to smother yourself with these feelings of hopelessness and despair or you're going to have to find a way to deal with the pain and move past it. I know it's not easy. Nobody says it is. I difficult as he!!. But for your own sanity you need to do something. Have you spoken with a counselor? Maybe you should see a therapist. I don't know if you are taking anti-deps, but that might help you pull out of this despair. Even though your H has left you, that doesn't mean you have to spend the rest of your life in misery. Nobody here is trying to say we're "better off" without our spouses, but at some point life has to go on or you shrivel up and die. I am trying to make the best out of a very unhappy situation. I don't think we're better off either, but you never know what's in store for you. Will you do me a favor? Watch the movie "Music of the Heart" with Meryl Streep. It was an inspiration to me. It's the true story about a woman whose H left her for another woman. It changed her life in ways she could never have imagined. Please take care of yourself and see someone. Believe me, I understand your pain and so does everyone else here, but your life isn't over. If you believe in God you have to know he/she has a plan for you. I doubt you are meant to live your life in excrutiating, mind numbing, emotional pain. I know it's hard to move forward, but Nellie, please, please try to. <BR><P>------------------<BR>Blessed be.<BR>****************<BR>Keridwen<P>Keridwen_7@yahoo.com

Nellie, <BR>I also filed, after two + yrs of my H having a EA. After discovery, I realized my faults in regard to the marriage, and made every effort to try to keep my marriage together. But the fact remains....he had fallen out of love for me, and was not interested in trying again himself.<P>Up until the divorce was final, he had all the oportunity he wanted to try to work on the marriage. I made it very clear that I wanted my marriage, and was wiling to go to counseling, etc. He made no efforts toward doing that. So, the divorce was final. <P>Am I better off??? I cannot say that I am better off, but i can say that my life now is not filled with pain, un trust, and dread, as it was the past two years. I feel terrible about putting my kids through all of this, but I am optimistic about my life, I know I am a good person and will find love again.I am healing, and that is important. I am now dating, and it feels good to know that others out there find me attractive. <P>I cannot change the past. But I can effect the future. I can take care of my kids, get myself on firm ground mentally and emotionally now,(I didn't feel that way this time last year) and can raise my kids the best I can. I WILL survive!! <P> <P>------------------<BR>Susan

Lonelysoul,<P>Presumably my H is well aware that he did not do much to make our marriage work, especially after he sunk into depression. The day of discovery he came right out and said that he as not motivated to work on the marriage because he was happier now. The therapist we saw a few times said something about how there must not have been an atmosphere of love and affection - well, someone forgot to tell me or the kids that. When I told the therapist that there was, in fact, an atmosphere of love and affection prior to the affair, my H did not deny it. I once asked him about why he had done something a few months before the affair if he had been thinking of leaving then, and he admitted that at the time he had no plans to leave. Something, or a combination of factors, caused him to have a "personality break".<P>Sheryl,<P>Yes, life goes on - but life goes on after someone dies too, but people rarely go around pretending it was for the best. Why can't people accept the fact that there is no silver lining to this cloud. Do people say that when spouses die? - I certainly hope not.<P>Kathy,<P>It is not that nothing brings me pleasure, because I do enjoy my children, etc. <P>I don't know how filing would have protected my kids - in any case, my H filed only six weeks after he left. If I need to protect my kids, I can get a temporary order in this state. <P>Keridwen,<P>Yes, I went to a counselor at the beginning. First I talked to a psychiatrist a week or two after my H left, who, after talking to me, did not expect me to want drugs, and certainly didn't push them. I saw a counselor in his office a few times, and although she was nice enough, she appeared to not be able to comprehend the fact that I would take him back. And have you ever actually met a therapist who was happily married to their first spouse? Even the therapist recommended to me by another pro-marriage site had been divorced from his wife of 30 years because he "couldn't meet her need for organization" - yeah, right, and it took her 30 years to figure that out? I had to bite my tongue to keep from asking him which one of them had the affair. <P>I am completely functional, and I think it is wrong to take drugs for situational depression. IMO, there is no difference between that and taking "recreational" drugs or drinking alcohol - which I don't do either. <P>sue,<P>I guess I differ because I don't believe that people fall out of love. Love is permanent - it can be buried under resentment, but it never goes away. Ever, no matter how much you might want it to.

Nellie,<BR>I have come back to this post a number of times and written a post, only to erase it. I feel so much pain for all here and especially for you and your family.<P>So many..keridwen, sue, weirded out, lonelysoul, mental all have expressed so much of what I understand from your posts and have written so sensitively.<P>I do not believe any of us truly wanted a divorce, not for ourselves and not for our children, and many of us, in our own ways, with our own baggage and faults would have done a lot to make our marriages work even well past discovery day, but events did not work out this way. While the stories are the same, the components and people are individuals, with different histories , behaviours, morals, religions etc, but all with a very similar pain. We all deal with these emotions in slightly different ways but that help us function as "sane" people, going through insane times. <P>While many of us perhaps filed first, I do not believe we would have chosen divorce if there was another way. Life is not better, it is very much harder to live as a single parent , but I guess for myself I had to weigh up all my options and decide that I was not doing my children or myself a service by drowning in the [censored] of H's behaviour to me and the children.If I had not taken control of a rapidly deteriorating situation, I would have drowned (and these thoughts did enter my head..never acted on them though)<P>To "save myself" I had to take some action... had I not I would have died emotionally if not physically. I regret very much that H has chosen his new life...but this i could do very little about. I regret that his ow is an immoral and braindead bimbo who has no clue about how children should be treated (and neither dos H), but he has introduced her into their lives...and this they have no choice over either. <BR>I regret that H is not "adult" enough to communicate with me about the children. I regret so many things, including my part in enabling his fantasy- that he was a "prince", to do everything for him and accept so little in return, to mother him as he demanded this and I bought into this, to allow him not to be the effective male role model my children needed, to ensure that he did not get the "high" from being a big shot business man, and become in his and ow's eyes"omnipotent".<P>I do not believe we will ever be the same people we were before these messes were visited on us, but I know I have learnt a lot and one day, I hope to find peace and a more sane life. <P>

Nellie...I can understand your reticence about taking anti-deps. They have been given a bad name and are not always effective. But for me they've been a lifesaver. Like you, I do not drink or take drugs. I never have. And I probably would never have taken anti-deps and anti-anxiety meds either if this hadn't happened to me. But I see nothing wrong with getting some help in that area...even prescription drugs. I think some people are under the impression that it "changes" you into another person. It doesn't. I feel like the very same person, just able to deal with the pressure with more aplomb. I have to be able to take care of my kids and myself regardless of H's idiotic behavior. I just merely wanted you to know that anti-deps ARE an option that might help you get through this difficult time. Any depression that lasts longer than a couple of weeks is NOT situational depression. It's a Major Depressive Episode and sometimes requires medication along with therapy to overcome. Each individual of course has to decide for him or herself, but for me, it has been a great help. That's what they are there for. To help. Not to become a lifelong drug habit. As far as therapists go, I have no idea if mine has ever even been married. I have never asked her. And she has never volunteered that information. But she's been a terrific source of strength for me. I hope you can find some relief. My prayers are with you.<BR><P>------------------<BR>Blessed be.<BR>****************<BR>Keridwen<P>Keridwen_7@yahoo.com

Nellie,<P>Re: <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Yes, life goes on - but life goes on after someone dies too, but people rarely go around pretending it was for the best. Why can't people accept the fact that there is no silver lining to this cloud. Do people say that when spouses die? - I certainly hope not.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>First of all, no, of COURSE nobody with compassion would tell someone that life goes on after their spouse dies... OF COURSE. And I never ever said that there was a silver lining... NEVER.<P>That said... I would never attempt to guess what your H and children feel, but I'll tell you what I feel when I read your posts... FEAR. I feel fear that one day you're just gonna crack and fall into a pit. There is so much pain there... and it's just sad. Every time I have ever written to you I have done so with understanding, but you dismiss what I have to say. That hurts my feelings, even if we are only fellow posters on this forum, but I guess the point is that we're ALL hurting, we're all raw.<P>I do worry about you. Just like most people here. <P>I wish you well...<P><p>[This message has been edited by new_beginning (edited May 15, 2000).]

Nellie,<BR>I wished that you lived near me.....I would love to talk to you. A lot of ideals that you have about love are shared by me......and also.....I know the emptiness you feel.<P>Nellie......you can go on....you are moving on.....I know that it is not by your choice.....but it must be done. <P>You would be surprised just how many people do feel the same....don't want this divorce....yet it is not in our hands anymore.<P>I know....this is one of the hardest things my children and I have had to face.....a oain so deep in our hearts that sometimes it can take your breath away.<P>I have shared my childrens pain.....tears....fears....and believe me I hate it. I can dream all I want......but my head knows better.....my heart has been slow to let go.....but everyother part of me has a long time ago.<P><BR>Nellie......if you were here right now I would give you a big hug and cry with you.....God knows how much we hurt.<P>Nancy

Willbok,<P>I may have learned a lot from this situation, but none of it was good. I wouldn't wish what I have learned on my worst enemy - that you can't trust someone you have known and loved for a quarter of a century. <P>Keridwen,<P>I have to disagree with your definition of situational depression. From everything I have read, if the symptoms are due to bereavement of any kind, it is situational. And one of the major symptoms of depression is inability to function - since my H left, I have found a professional job, taken care of the kids, fixed the plumbing - that doesn't fit my definition of inability to function.<P>Sheryl,<P>I am sorry if I hurt your feelings. I have no intention of dismissing what you have to say - is disagreeing the same thing as dismissing? <P>Yes, I feel a lot of pain, as do most of us. But I believe that it is not helpful to pretend in any way that it is not there. It is there, it will most likely always be there. If it helps people to think that they are somehow improved by this, that this is somehow part of a plan, that something good will come out of this, that it is somehow for the best - fine, I don't care it they want to believe that. But for me, it is far better to realize that often times life is just plain horrible, that many people can't be trusted, that people who you thought you knew can suddenly become completely insane and change into aliens. But I believe there is a reason for everything - not in the sense that there is a plan, because I do not believe that, but that there is an explanation for everything. And it annoys me no end when people say that you shouldn't try to understand, or that some things just don't make sense - everything makes sense at some level. Nothing should just be accepted without an attempt to understand it. Peace does not come from acceptance; peace does not come from making yourself believe that there is good in bad; peace comes from understanding. There is a logical explanation for everything, even if the premise on which it is predicated is false. There is a reason my H appeared to have be abducted by aliens - perhaps based in brain chemistry, or perhaps several factors. But it is not helpful to "just accept" that his personality underwent a complete transformation for no logical reason. Whether I will ever completely figure it out, I don't know, but I would certainly be miserable if I didn't do everything in my power to try. <P>I know people feel a need to help when they see that someone is in pain, but sometimes I believe it is best just to listen, and not try to fix it.<P>Nancy,<P>Thank you for your support. Perhaps there are many people on this board who do not want a divorce - but it seems like many others talk as if they do. I think it is far more honest to admit that one does not want divorce, even if you have no control over it. <P>I had no idea when I married that I would have to cope with the effects of mental illness, as you probably did not either. I am sorry for your pain, and I can hardly imagine how much more awful it must be for you.

I cant help but notice that many of the betrayed are the ones who filed.. and some even say they do not want to, but they just cannot stand the abuse/neglect anymore. I can understand that, I also understand how much they wish it did not have to be this way. In my case, I am the betrayed, yet it is my wayward wife who filed.. it is my opinion that she just could not carry on an affair and stay married at the same time.. basically when I found out everything, she moved out 3 days later and filed within 2 weeks. I could not believe it.. I do think she is trying to push things way too fast, and that divorce should only be a last resort.. but I also wonder if filing is more of a 'female' thing.. it seems no matter if your the betrayed or the betrayer, usually the wife is the one who files, obviously this is not always the case, but it seems like the majority. All I know is I sure do not want a divorce, and if I had the chance to try to work out the problem, I dont think she would want to either.

Nellie:<P>When I first came to this forum, my sadness was profound. My husband had come home but the man in the house was significantly different from the man I knew for 20 years.<P>I felt then exactly like you do now. He suddenly left with no explanantion, changed instantaneously overnight (it seemed) into someone I didn't recognize. <P>My postings here were ladened with pain and devastation in the beginning, and even a year later I still get caught up in the sadness and loss. I was grieving the loss of my marriage and my husband. Now I grieve for what was. <P>His withdrawal from me was something I know I could never go through again as I could never go through the rejection, coldness, blame, insanity and the 'push-pull' that is such a big part of withdrawal.<P>When he first snapped out of it, it was bliss. His deep remorse was a balm for the wounds and I opened my heart up to him, scared to death that letting my guard down would open me up to more pain. But, I had missed him so much and was so eager to try to recover some of what had been lost. My pain subsided a little for a while and I concentrated on enjoying that he had come home heart and soul.<P>We had a lot of issues (OC, paternity hearings, trips out east, business issues, suicide attempt, alcoholism and bipolar diagnosis) that needed to be dealt with so the first few months of recovery my grief and pain were put on hold.<P>Now that the dust has settled for the most part, all that raw pain is resurfacing. I find myself obsessing and looking back incredulous at what happened, time lines, the terrible things he said to me and I try to understand that he just wasn't himself. But, the damage to me has been done and the damage is extensive, because, like you, I just can't accept that these things are possible after all those years.<P>I know had he not come home and recommited and if he would have gone through with the divorce, I would be right there with you, as I completely empathize with you pain and understand it completely.<P>I, too, am drawn to your posts because you so describe the feelings that were once mine as well. I respect you so much because you don't deceive yourself; you allow yourself to feel the full range of emotions and I think you understand that this will eventually bring you peace someday and heal you.<P>You're in my prayers, Nellie. I'm so sorry, so very sorry that this life altering, mindless and unnecessary horror has changed your life and your childrens' lives forever. I, too, believe that absolutely nothing good can come from this destruction of a family. <P>The phrase I hate the most is "These experiences will make you stronger." <BR>Thank you very much but I was already strong as he** and it wasn't necessary for me to be stronger than I already am - what possible good can come from you or me having to go through something so tragic and sad?<P>I hope your sadness will end soon and that the intensity will lessen for you. I wish you much more than I can convey here. You deserve for something positive to happen; some progress, your heart's desire.<P>Catnip =^^=