<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I know people feel a need to help when they see that someone is in pain, but sometimes I believe it is best just to listen, and not try to fix it.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Forgive me Nellie, you are right... I just wanted to fix it. I'm sorry I didn't just listen... point taken!<P>~Sheryl<P>

Hi, Nellie. I certainly didn't choose divorce. He is the one who went behind my back in September of '98 and told me to "Go get a lawyer. I filed for divorce." I have been in a state of disbelief and grief ever since. Nellie, I understand exactly how you are feeling since all of those feelings have been part of my everyday landscape, too. Like you, I, too, cannot believe that a person can change from white to black in what seems like a blink of an eye. That a person who purported and, indeed, seemed to love his children, could turn into a mere uncle figure to them, someone the kids do not even feel comfortable around anymore. Nellie, the first thing I do when I wake up and the last thing I do at night and all through the day all I think about is this nightmare that I'm living. And the raw wound of rejection, knowing that he found someone else and tossed me and, basically the kids, too, aside for this "new body." I am being FORCED to move on whether I want to or not. That is the reality of it all: whether I want to or not, whether it hurts like hell or not, I have to go along with this divorce for my own sake, now, and for my children. It's not healthy for me to being staying in this state of limbo and I have a very strange feeling that once I really do move on and start living again (which I have not being doing thus far, just going thru the motions) he will regret what he did and begin to behave differently. Just a thought, just a hope.

I don't think that filing is a "female" thing. Maybe it is just a matter of perspective. I have met several people whose H's left them for an OW, but I have never to my knowledge met a woman who left her H for an OP, though obviously they exist. <P>catnip,<P>I too felt like I was a reasonably strong and optimistic person before my H's affair - and now I am far more cynical and untrusting. I really don't think that is an improvement.<P>Sheryl,<P>Thank you. I know I often want to fix things for my kids, but frequently they just want to vent. <P>MovingOn,<P>If my H had changed only toward me, I might believe that this was not an illness, but I KNOW he loved the children, I KNOW he would do anything for them - and the fact that they are no longer his highest priority is proof that the man I see know is not the real man whom I married.

And if you have ever logged on to any of those Christian marriage restoration sites (Rejoice Marriage Ministries is one) you will be told that your husband is being held captive by satan to do his will. That is why, according to the Christian way of thinking, your (and my) husband is acting like a different person. Not saying I fully accept this theory, it's just another explanation, that's all. Have you ever gone onto any of these sites, by the way? Rejoice Marriage Ministries is a really good one, with lots of audio to listen to, books to order, etc., but definitely encouraging you to "stand" and wait for your prodigal spouse to return, while you pray for him and for other prodigals and their families. If you do check it out let me know what you thing, ok?

MovingOn,<P>I have glanced at a couple of those sites, but I can't say I'd feel comfortable there. I wish there were a "stand for your marriage" site that was not religious. <P>I don't believe it is Satan - I think depression and/or borderline personality disorder is a much more likely culprit. It certainly is ironic that someone who said shortly before he left that he was "an independent person who doesn't have to answer to anyone" now is living with an OW who screens his calls, has him constantly checking in when he comes to see the kids, and apparently is in charge of telling him what he can and can't do with his time and when he can see his kids. <p>[This message has been edited by Nellie1 (edited May 17, 2000).]

Yes, I think it's a mental illness as well. My H. has the OW directing his every motion, too. She even has to call on the one night a week he's got the kids. I never had him under my thumb that way -- I guess he never really respected me, now that all is said and done. She is an ICU nurse with whom he works -- as he told me "She's had a hard life." Hard life? She was married ten years ago for two whole years, her H. walked out on her to be with another W. when she was 6 months pregnant. She then moved into her family home, the home she grew up in, and her mother immediately pitched in to help with babysitting and daycare for the child. Now, it seems, she is seeking revenge for her "hard life" by making someone else's life harder. Also, I just like you, Nellie, don't have a support system nearby to help me or to watch my kids for me when I go back to work. It all makes me sick.

Nellie,<BR>It is hard...very hard. Many people...including some of my family, just didn't understand my intensity for my marriage. Some of my family members "hate" him...even distant cousins. I don't want anyone to hate him. <P>They get mad when I can't hate. I get mad when they want or expect me to. I am not a hateful person. Even when I sit back and think about all that he has done.....I feel sorry for him...not hate him. Although I don't feel this way right now....early on, and when I saw him in the CE office, I just wanted to run up to him and hug him and tell him everything was going to be alright....that I would help him.....because I loved him.<P>But now he is unapproachable......has been for a while. He needs to figure this all out for himself.<P>I for one have avoided bad advice...and sometimes good advice.....to do what I felt was best. He has not been able to do that. Any advice he gets that would help "terrorize" the girls or I is "good" advice to him.<P>Again....I did not want to file for divorce....when he left...he said he was going to file.....2 weeks later...he had not. I was scared for the 3 of us and felt that he was going to do some "devilish" things...so I felt forced to do it. I am not sure he even was going to file....but it doesn't matter now.<P>Like someone said in above post....I do not like it when someone tells me this will make me stronger...or it is for the best. Maybe I am stronger now...but for the wrong reasons. I would have liked to be told I am stronger now because I fought for my marriage...my family...and help for him. That would have been the best "strength" God could have given me.<P>Nancy

Moving On,<P>I don't think that allowing someone to have you under her thumb means you respect them - maybe it means you fear abandonment or whatever, but not respect. And it is absolutely impossible to respect someone who is under your thumb. I wouldn't have wanted to have an unequal relationship like he appears to have with the OW.<P>Nancy,<P>It doesn't matter what other people think. It is your marriage, not theirs. No one can tell you how you should be feeling.