Hi all.<P>Everything I have experienced thus far has been pretty typical of the broken relationship phenomenon, so maybe this is too and someone can give me some insight?<P>My current problem is that things are starting to get ugly. My H and I have been pretty reasonable throughout this whole thing. We wrote our own separation agreement without the help of lawyers or mediators. We have been able to talk about some stuff without alienating each other. The lines of communication have always been open despite the hurt feelings. <P>Now that this is it and I am proceeding with the divorce, it's turning ugly. My H wants control. He wants things to move at a pace that is comfortable for him. He wants to discuss things when he has time. He wants to pay when he feels like paying, not when it's due. <P>I have told him I don't want any contact with him whatsoever. I told him to get the rest of his stuff (it's taken him 6 months now) so that there is no excuse for him to show his face. I am not taking his calls. He has the power to manipulate me, so seeing him and talking to him just throws me into confusion. I know what is right for me and I just don't want to go down this road with him. <P>The ugliness just makes all of this so much worse. He's accusing me of manipulation, duplicity, and all kinds of things that have never been in my character.<P>Anyway, does this ugly phase last? Is this just one of those things you have to go through? Is this typical? <P>I feel like he is blaming me AGAIN for walking away when he was the one who walked out and has given me no reason to stay. It's just ridiculous. I am so fed up.

Popeye:<P>Guilt breeds ugly responses from the 'perpetrators' when their backs are up against the wall and they no longer have control over you. <P>They are angry to be reaping the consequences of their actions. In fact, in order to look in the mirror every morning, they have to project the guilt and the blame back onto you. <P>Their conduct has created this sunami of destruction that caused your world to turn upside down and changed your life forever with life altering consequences.<P>It's much easier to play the blame game and save face at YOUR expense rather than have the integrity and dignity to admit their wrongs and demonstrate their remorse for what they have put you through. <P>Unfortunately, our society has become a society of babies yearning for the easy way, for immediate gratification, for avoiding personal responsibility and for not having the courage to take the rap who prefer to finger point instead. <P>Ugh. It's depressing. It's the end of the world as we know it.<P>Catnip =^^= <P>

Our ugly time lasted a couple of months. Same as you, when it was time to do the legal stuff. We are between legalities (temp custody done, final trial or settlement coming up). Things are going OK.<P>I can't get her to agree on anything either. She just does not want to deal with it. Cleopatra, Queen of denial.

I posted earlier but I think I need to post here too. I am not sure if it will turn "ugly" but I have a feeling it might. We own the house (no kids) but any financial support that I get will be coming from his parents. He doesn't have anything! It is all from his parents and my income that we have this big home and all the stuff in it. Since the very first thing he wanted to talk about is our joint CD collection, I suspect that he is going to freak out when he realizes that I am far more interested in being able to start a life somewhere else and not leave him the house AND its contents. I pray I am wrong but, something tells me that he is not going to want to or like asking his parents to bail him out this situation. Also, he is starting to spend a lot of his own personal stash on things for himself only. That doesn't bother me as much as the fact that he hid the joint checking account book from me. I can easily see what the balance is, but, I am afraiad that his parents are going to hire a lawyer for him asap and I have still not spoken to anyone!

You know, it's funny you have this posted. Yes, we too are going through an "ugly" phase right now. H thinks I should be over all this by now (after 15 years of marriage) and we should just be "very good friends" (his words). But I am finding it very difficult to speak with him, see him, be around him, etc. He gets angry because when he wants to hang out with me and the kids I don't want to. He doesn't understand why I won't come to his mom & dad's house with the kids and have a nice family day. I've tried explaining that it's extremely painful for me to "play happy family" but he just doesn't get it. He thinks I'm trying to punish him and I'm not. I'm just trying to protect myself. Things are so easy for him right now and I can barely breathe at times. Betrayers must be practically brain-dead. How can they NOT understand where we betrayed are coming from? Why can't they see how much we hurt? Even my H's parents are clueless. They just don't understand why I don't want to hang out at their house anymore. Why I don't just drop by with the kids. I can't. I just can't be in that house. It's too much. Does anybody else feel this way??????<P><P>------------------<BR>Blessed be.<BR>****************<BR>Keridwen<P>Keridwen_7@yahoo.com

Hi all,<P>yes there definitely is an ugly phase once divorce is filed. It is really all about seperation of your lives and stuff. It can get really emotional. <P>My ex continued to do family things w/the kids and I. I finally let him know that I can't do it anymore. I have not seen him socially with or without the kids for a year now. Not that my divorce is final or anything. He is letting that stew in limbo land just a little longer. I think it is fear of the OW hounding him for a committment. He can't give her that now, he is still married. <P>Personally it was really hard to give up those family moments. But in my heart I knew that it was all a lie. I feel more grounded because I have set personal bounderies and he is respecting those. I respect his also. I have two great kids who I love and love me. I have a good life. I don't really want to be his friend and confidant any more. So I limit my contact with the father of my children. It sucks on holidays but maybe one day I will have a real family unit again. Im not gonna spend excess energy thinking about it. I do the best I can do.<P>GP <P>forgot to add: Mediation is the way to settle things. It went very smoothly!<p>[This message has been edited by Limerick (edited May 16, 2000).]

Popeye,<P>It is very difficult to avoid all ugliness. When you enter into the division phase of divorce your relationship is essentially adversarial. Add to that the painful emotions of betrayal, and you see how hard it can be to get through this phase without some conflict. <P>Often the conflict arises from difference in expectations. If you expect something to happaen by a cetrain date, and you H expects something else, or a another date, then conflict will happen. The best approach is to be clear on expectaions. And the only way to do that is in writing.<P>You would be wise to consult with a family lawyer about any agreement you make, before signing. Many people shy away from lawyers because they feel they add to the conflict, but if you get a good lawyer who looks after you interests, without adding gasoline to the fire, it can go a long way toward avoiding the misunderstandings that lead to conflict.