My divorce will be final in about a month after ten months of limbo-my husband and I still live together-long story. Why do I have this feeling of -maybe I made a big mistake. Short history-many kids,he was the breadwinner-I the stay at home mom/wife.He cheated, definately verbal abuse, minor physical abuse, but we had this goal of raising our kids right-same goals. Yes-I always felt neglected, but when the kids were young I was too busy to care.<BR>Anyway-the divorce will be final soon. We have been getting along-no fights-tired of it and very bad atmosphere for kids to grow up in. Now sometimes I wonder why we are divorcing. It was my decision-he was totally against it. I would try to work on things but the plain truth it I have no attraction to him-he is HOME, but that is it.When I look at him all I feel is pity and sorrow. Im sure it is normal to be afraid of hte future but everyday is harder and harder as he is being nicer and nicer to me the closer we get to this divorce.

I think it is normal, when faced with the finality of the situation, to be ambivalent. There is no such thing as "minor" physical abuse. I think it is the best thing for you to get out. If he is a devoted father, he will still be a devoted father, only you won't have to deal with his crap and can have a chance at living the life you really want with someone you feel excited about.

As far as I'm concerened if your not 100% then dont go thru with it. Put it on hold for a while. See if you guys can get some counsling. If you loved him before it can happen again. My Children want more than anything to see mom and dad together again and its been close to 3 years. Give a little try anyway, if only for the children.

Popeye said,<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>If he is a devoted father, he will still be a devoted father,<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Unfortunately, I have not found this to be the case. Whatever faults my H may have had, I was always absolutely sure that he adored our kids. He was always there for them, but as soon as the OW came into the picture, that all changed, and the longer he lives with her the worse it gets. Once there is an OW, a conflict avoider will do anything to avoid her anger, even if it means neglecting his children. <P>It is extremely rare for a man to have an affair and remain a devoted father, especially once they are out of the house. And even if they wanted to, many OW's will do whatever they can to keep a father away from his children.

Divorce is so hard, especially when you've got kids. It's really hard on them, and it takes it's toll on you too. Single parenting is very difficult, financially and emotionally. If he's being nice now, and if you don't have to work, it might be worth it to just stay with him. Maybe you could separate for awhile, to get out some of that pent up energy, have a fling, then when you see how difficult it is to do, you could move back in with him. Unless he sickens you totally to look or hear him, or if you see your world improving by getting away from him, I'd stay with him, because it is easier in the long run.

thanks everyone for your comments. first I would like to add thatour children will be gone in & years. A very full house now but seven shorts years they will be gone. My Husband is very authoritive and I know that he is being very nice now but once we are back the way we were before the demands will start again. I dont know if anyone of us will be better off but I know I cant go through and put my kids what I went thru the last two years.<BR>Thanks again

You probably have second thoughts because you are still living together in the same household. I am too. No infidelities here -just blatant neglect of eachother - our marriage died a kind of slow death. No real catalyst that made it happen - only a feeling of "wrongness" that has permeated the relationship for over 5 years.<P>Go with your gut and what is in your heart. You sound like a strong woman, and you can do what is best for you and your children. As a therapist once said to me "no one should be in a relationship where the other person doesn't want them around..." This has helped me let go of a lot. My husband has been ambivalent about our relationship for some time and I know in my gut that it's over. No amount of "trying" will get him back. Only I can change, so staying would only reinforce that his behavior is acceptable when it's not.<P>Truthfully, at this point I don't want him back. I want to be free to love again, to be in a relationship where I am loved, respected and supported and our bond is cherished - not taken for granted. Everyone needs and deserves this!<P>God bless, and hope this is helpful. I say run, don't walk. You deserve better!<P>

So it doesn't matter what you do because they are going to be gone in a mere seven years? Seven years is not a short time for a child. For a 14 year old, it is half as long as they have been around.

There is no guarantee that things will be better for you if you obtain a divorce. People who say go out and find someone new and you will get the love you deserve are kidding themselves. They are having an affair of the mind with some future unknown person, IMO. Do not get a divorce because you think Mr. Right is going to come along. He may not, and he most certainly won't be perfect, and your life certainly won't be problem free. This is the same kind of thinking that puts betrayers in their situations.<P>A divorce should only be obtained when you believe 100% that there is absolutely no other alternative, which is pretty rare. I'm almost 36. My parents talked about a divorce just a few years ago, and even though I'm an adult and have been on my own since the age of 18, it still would have been devastating. Any child of any age wants their parents to stay together. I'm happy to say my parents worked out their problems, and are still working. IT NEVER ENDS! Just like parenthood. Lots of people have this magical idea of marriage, that it will be easy, fun, and feel good alot of the time. It is not marriage that is the problem, it is people's expectations and the amount of effort they are willing to expend to make things good.

WOW....To TheStudent...That is dead on...I agree with you 100%....Carrie ms, I hope you are not to the point where you truly don't want to work things out. But, with physical abuse..he has to change, bcausse you should get out if that will continue

I agree that if things are workable and it is not 100% over to try. However, I have tried unsuccessfully for the last 5 years and my H was not willing to do anything different. He told me it would be a waste of time.<P>No one can have a relationship with themself in a marriage that is working. This is not a marriage, in my opinion. I don't feel like anyone is deluding themselves if they are in a bad situation and need to get out, and feel like they deserve better. It's likely that if they feel this way over the course of time (like I did) and do nothing about it it will only make the person more stuck in the situation. You have to call it quits at one point or another for your own survival and that of your children -particularly if there is abuse involved.<P>I suffered at the hands of a physically and emotionally abusive father. My mother stayed and showed me how to be a weak woman and not do what's best for me. I've decided that I am not willing to make my adulthood follow this pattern any longer and I am finally rebuilding my self esteem and trying to move on. <P>When I say I deserve better, I don't mean another relationship. I mean finding peace of mind, fulfillment and the old me that's buried under lots of armor. If it involves another relationship with a man, I will feel very blessed.

Surviving,<BR>I would never expect anyone to remain in an abusive situation. If someone's health (mental or emotional) are at risk, especially with children present, and the other spouse does little or nothing to address these issues, then the best thing would be to get out. <P>I think I was responding more to some other posters (here or elsewhere) who look at divorce as an opportunity to find someone new, and I think that is a bad reason to get a divorce. Wrong focus, in other words. The right focus (IM humble O) is what you said...focus on your issues and why you chose this man to marry.

Some things of my situation I should clarify. First of all, I asked my husband to go to counseling and he at first said we didnt need it and when saw I was serious about divorce agreed only to show me how stupid and wrong I am about everything. That is a very low starting point. I went to counseling alone.<BR>Second, I am not looking to replace my husband. I want to live the rest of my life without worrying what he will do and how he will react. As his wife, the rest of my days have been planned for me. I am told how to act in public, who is allowed to visit our house, how I should spend my time (housewife/not working outside the house) It is very isolating. The mood of our hose changes the moment he walks thru the door.I am sure some of this is my fault too- as a codependant thing- but I see the same reactions in my children.<BR>As for my children, I wonder which is better.To stay married-for their sake- and have them grow up with us as their role model marriage. Or to divorce and they learn that what they saw wasnt right and therefore had to end.<BR>Anyway, I am thankful for your input.<P>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by carrie ms:<BR><B>Second, I am not looking to replace my husband. I want to live the rest of my life without worrying what he will do and how he will react. As his wife, the rest of my days have been planned for me. I am told how to act in public, who is allowed to visit our house, how I should spend my time (housewife/not working outside the house) It is very isolating. The mood of our hose changes the moment he walks thru the door.I am sure some of this is my fault too- as a codependant thing- but I see the same reactions in my children.<BR>As for my children, I wonder which is better.To stay married-for their sake- and have them grow up with us as their role model marriage. Or to divorce and they learn that what they saw wasnt right and therefore had to end.<BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I think you need to forgive yourself for getting into a bad situation. It sounds like you know it is not healthy for you and your children to stay, but you are experiencing conflict because of your devotion to your vows. (Am I reading too much into what you've said?)<P>This is not a healthy environment. There is no flexibility in your boundaries, no shared responsibility, no freedom, no outlets and on top of that, you are being emotionally and physically abused. Now, I know you can see this because these are your words. What would you tell your daugther if she were in your situation?<P>I know we are all here to BUILD our marriages, not to tear them down, but not all situations promise long term happiness or even personal safety. <P>We teach our children by example. Don't you want to provide them with a strong, self assured role model?

Carrie,<P>The mother of one of my good friends obtained a divorce when my friend was six years old. Things had been bad for sometime, but when he threatened my friend ( a child at the time) with a gun, that was a major wake-up call. <P>Her mother spent many years alone as a single mom, working two jobs. She eventually remarried a man my friend considers her emotional "father". Her biological father, although still in her life, still hasn't taken responsibility for his behavior. Her mother has been married to this man for over 15 years now, and they have a second child together. By all appearances, doing very well. My friend is very, very happy her mother took her out of that situation.