I can not help what my brain puts me through.. One min I say screw him, the next I am thinking of what we did have at one time.. AND COULD HAVE AGAIN...!! I just can not get rid of this anger..!!!! I now hate this man so much...! I sit here and can not focus on anything but revenge... I want this man who I USE TO THINK WAS SO GREAT!!! to have unbeleiveable greif happen to him for a change.. to feel even a small part of what he has done to me.. There just is no justice in this world...!!!!<P><BR>I`m sorry to those who may be offended... I can`t help how I feel.. this has been a slow and very painful murder of my soul.. and this man walks around like his ___! don`t stink! I have really had it with people who have known us, have been freinds with both of us, and can except this man for what he`s done, and not sya a word.. not act indifferent in any way.. and let him THINK!!! what he`s done is acceptable!!!! this really kills me.. that to me make the entire universe all so superficial, and two faced.. no one shows him what they beleive in.. they sit here with me and say yes, he is a jerk, and he did you wrong.. and then have the gaul to invite him in, with my daughter, for a bite.. or sit there, and say so.... how are things..!!??????????? what is with this... I don`t get it.. I will never get it.. and I could never be that way to some one that devastated a freind of mine.. never.. this is who I am loyal and dignified.. let him feel from every one he KNEW!!!! that he is a [censored]!!! for leaving, no explanations.. no dame good enough reasons, that couldn`t have been rectified!!!!<P>SORRY, BUT I JUST HAD TO VENT.. THIS IS WHERE MY HEAD TAKES ME.. THIS IS WHAT i FEEL EVERY DAME DAY.. <P>Please don`t tell me move on either.. I have to an extent.. I have gone out, dated, me and my kid are making it, reguardless of what happened.. BUT!!!!! the anger just doesn`t eer go away.. I think I will be this way for the rest of HIS!!! LIFE!!!! <P>AV

AV,<P>I know what you feel...<BR>...and so does almost everyone else.<P>Check out a couple the books...<BR>...not for your H... but for you!<P><B>Anger Management:</B><BR><OL TYPE=1><BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0806509376" TARGET=_blank><B>Anger : How to Live With and Without It</B></A> by Albert Ellis <BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/1879237970" TARGET=_blank><B>Angry All the Time :</B> An Emergency Guide to Anger Control</A> by Ron Potter-Efron, Ronald T. Potter-Efron <BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0800786467" TARGET=_blank><B>Getting the Best of Your Anger</B></A> by Les Carter <BR></OL><P>You shouldn't cover up your feelings...<BR>You definitely need to vent!<BR>...but some additional healing is needed...<BR>...you don't need to become a bitter women.<P>Is there any counseling on the horizon?...<B>for yuou</B>?<P>My prayers are with you.<P> <P>Jim

AZ,<BR>I apologize for not knowing your complete story. But believe me....it is human nature to want to see someone who hurt you....also feel pain. For me...I do not want to inflict this pain....But I would feel more "settled" if he were to feel some sort of pain and hurt for what he has done.<P>I was so sick of hearing HE WILL GET HIS.....you reap what you sew.....what goes around comes around.....people get what they deserve...etc. First of all...am "I" reaping what I sew....am "I" getting what I deserve.....did "I" do something that is now coming back to "me"?<P>I have thought and thought about that. I do not believe I have done anything that deserves all of this...and I know that our girls have done nothing to do deserve this!<P>Don't think that there isn't anyone here that has not felt that way. If they say they haven't...I don't think that they are being honest.<P>This is a tough time for all of us....but it does get easier...different. I have been assured by many friends that have gone through this that one day we will no longer care about him...what he is doing...and if he "gets" his.<P>I am getting close to this.....I no longer care who he is seeing....what he is doing...where he is....it just doesn't matter to me anymore. I just wished he would leave me and the girls alone.<P>I hope and pray we find it in our hearts and lives to just not care about what they do anymore.....and let what will happen to them happen.<P>Nancy

Jim,<P>thank you.... I will go and buy those books.. I know I do need something..<P>The counceling thing is a long story.. I have tried (when I have time, and very little time as it is) to go through the proceddures the darn med systeme makes you go through, and buy the time they found me a counceler (for my daughter!!) she comes first.. they seem to be all booked up and have not time slot for us, right now.. so nw we have to start all over again.. getting confirmation No.`s.. and going to be evaluated, and approximately a mths or so later we1ll get in some where else now.. but in the mean time I am loosing my mind with wanting to get even.. wanting my ex to suffer as he has made me suffer.. I am so angry that this world just closes their eyes, do nothing, say nothing, and act like nothig happened, and these betrayers, all walk!!! and get away with it.. it is unjust and really a crime, that needs to be re-routed in the courts.. I feel we need forced counceling.. and not be able to just leave a marraige so dame easily... <P>A person can`t get out of a contract of any kind once it is signed.. andthat is for a material thing.. but yet they can walk out, and away from their spoouses and kids, and the world excepts this.. does this make any sence at all??? this is an outrage.. and the adulterers. (OW/OM) should all be arreasted fined, and even jailed for an amount of time to give them some enlightenment!!! as to what they are doing is wrong and against the laws... but there are no laws, to protect a family.. what a world...<P>I do thank you for the names of these books.. I will look into them.. <P>your a nice guy jim.. thanks for being there for me..<P>AV

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by numbheart:<BR><B>I just can not get rid of this anger...<BR>I have really had it with people who have known us, have been friends with both of us, and can except this man for what he`s done, and not say a word.. not act indifferent in any way.. </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Whoa, whoa, whoa! I can feel your rage and understand exactly what you are feeling, but you can't let this anger become you. Please, please, please, get some help to control this.<P>In my history of betrayals (as the betrayed), I once embodied my anger so deeply that I became hostile and unpleasant to be around. The anger spread from being specifically about the betrayal to everything in my life. It was horrible. Once I came out of the clouds, I saw how much joy in life I'd missed by denying myself anything but the pain. Vent and get it out, but please don't hold onto it. It will only destroy YOU.<P>I feel the same injustice you express. My H is the life of the party and everybody acts like nothing has changed when my whole world has crumbled. I don't feel like I can hold my head up in polite society without enduring whispers. I just try to keep in mind that there is no justice like karma, and I am probably exaggerating my humiliation while minimizing his lack of pain. <P>You did nothing wrong. Stop punishing yourself. In know it is hard not to dwell on all of this, but look at all the people who are on the other side of this and try to get some hope from them. <P>I know it feels like this is your whole world right now, but there is so much more to your life. So much more that is good. Try to concentrate on that. When you put good energy out, you get good energy back.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by MENTAL:<BR><B>I was so sick of hearing HE WILL GET HIS.....you reap what you sew.....what goes around comes around.....people get what they deserve...etc. First of all...am "I" reaping what I sew....am "I" getting what I deserve.....did "I" do something that is now coming back to "me"?<P>I have thought and thought about that. I do not believe I have done anything that deserves all of this...and I know that our girls have done nothing to do deserve this!<BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>May I suggest another perspective? I know this is not going to appeal to the vast majority of people out there, but it has been a gift to me.<P>When we talk about sowing what we reap, it is not always in the context of this lifetime. I do believe in reincarnation and believe that we are given opportunities to overcome our negative karma. I also believe we chose our major situations in life specifically for that purpose. <P>Now, who really knows what happens after we are dead? It's all speculation, but if you look at your problems this way, it is harder to become a helpless victim. It is harder to put all the blame on someone else. It is easier to forgive. It is easier to look for the lessons in the situation. It's easier to heal.<P>Past life regression is a really good tool to explore these ideas. If you're interested in finding out more, check out the book Other Lives Other Selves by Roger Woolger.<P>I know this sounds like a way out idea to most of you. I am not trying to pursuade anybody, just throwing out a suggestion.

Nancy,<P>I agree with you to an extent.. In my case, my daughter is over whelmed with gifts, (all good things) and my ex makes me look like the bad wicked witch of the west, to my daughter, for not being able to do for her as much as he can afford, now.. I make didly, he makes mega bucks.. I can not prove all of what he makes, because it is a cash kind of business.. so I get what he has dwon as his pay, in the books... <P>He has never neglected my kid in any way and I know he never will.. he was always a good provider.. and he is a real felix with his credit line.. so he won`t dare do anyhting against the courts ruling on what he has to pay me.. <P>I know what your saying about not caring who he is with, but in my case the OW had re-befreinded my ex, before he left me, (still married, her self) and we all chumbed together for a bit before he left.. I had her and her H over my place for a barbaque, etc.. I have never gone to this womans H and told him what a ho she is.. my ex is not her first man on the side, but she was thrilled it was an old friend of hers from high school, and jumped at the chance of telling him she was miseralbe in her marraige, and just at an opportune time.. as we were both having our problems too.. but if it were not for her he may have hung in there a bit longer and things may have straightened out..<P>I feel betrayed by both.. it is not just him it is her too... this is double jeperdy, and I have had to carry this around inside me all this time, and this OW`s H still doesn`t not know.. this is what kills me too.. to have this out in the open and see what happens to them after that fact is released.. will be a bit a relief, (to me any way) I am hoping this OW`s H makes thier lives miserable, so I can feel totally justified.. <P>I know this all sounds so sick to some, but to me, it is *the* pay back for the emotional hell he has put me through.. <P>AV

Yes, I feel exactly how you do. My H. also walks around in his new life as though he is now better than I and as if he is on top of the world. But, after almost one and a half years of the different emotions - anger having been at the top of my list - I am now reaching a stage that is more made up of sadness. The abject, profound GRIEF stage seems to have diminished but in its place sits an almost constant sadness, especially when I look at my children (ages 13, 10 and 8) and realize what their father did to them. I wish I had an answer for you except to say that these cruel people do reap what they sow. Maybe it will take the next lifetime for it to happen, but it will happen. And life goes quickly.

This anger thing is a tough one. Everytime I think I am getting better something comes up that puts me right back into that angry place again. Like hearing "he's traveling and can't be reached" or "I was alone most of the time". What is that? The worst is not knowing what his intentions are with the other women and how that will eventually affect the kids and me. I wan't to know but then I don't. It really sucks.<P>I keep hearing you need to vent and get rid of the anger, but when does it just go away for good. Or will it always creep back into your life when you least expect it?

Unfortunatly 711, I think I will carry this hate into my next relationship.. (If I ever have a serious one again, but I`m sure that won`t be for a while) I will most likely bash him constantly, for even doing this to me and not being a human being and making any effort for what he has done to us.. (daughter and I) this is his second (round) failure, as a Husband, in being any kind of emotional supporter, of any kind.. he just hasn`t got what it takes, yet, he tried making up fopr that in material things.. I got anything I wanted, but what I needed.. that was a best freind..<P>I do hope one day, he can say an "I`m sorry" to me, which also never took place.. he just up and left.. and no explanations.. no matter what he was recentful towards.. I still havve no idea exactly what it was I did that made him fall out of love with me.. thats what eats at me.. thats what is killing me fro the inside out.. what he was thinking, (as he put it to all our freinds, waiting for them to do his dirty work, he didn`t love me for the last 4 yrs of our marriage!!) so what the hell was going on inside of his mind, and how could some one do that to not only me but them selves.. how could you live, sleep, eat, and share a life, with out love.. and let it go on that long with not once talking about your feelings dwindling.. let the other know, respectfully.. and not treat the last minute, like *thier* the alien, (meaning me)<P>that to me is alienation.. abandonment, mental abuse, for ignoring the other person, totally, and just moving on.. this is above and beyond an outrage.. and he is so out sided now, his insides are all gone.. disintigrated.. hardened.. ice cold.. nothing like the man I met almost 17 yrs ago.. <P>I have a dream, now and then that I get to tie him up, gag him, and force him to listen to everything I ever wanted to say, that I never had to this day the chance to do, from his running away from facing me and being the man I THOUGHT!!! he was.. and boy do I wish that dream would come true, soon... so I can have my closure to all his ignorance..<P>ok I got some more out.. so I`m done for now.. I feel a tad better, (for now) thanks to all for reading and listening...<P>AV

AV & 711,<P>One of the things I learned in divorce care workshop is that anger is a normal feeling for those that have been rejected. Another thing I learned there is that there is a whole range of emotions that we must pass thru, pass thru and not become caught up in, such as anger or depression. ALso these emotions will continue to show up when we least expect it. <P>The emotional range was refered to as a slippery slope we must climb in our healing process. And for every so often we will slip back down into one of these emotional pitfalls. And again we must continue to keep struggling up the slope until we have reached the top and we are healed and ready to start a new relationship.<P>There is another good book I read called "Rebuilding When You Relationship Ends" Its by Dr. Bruce Fisher. In the section on anger they say there are 3 phases.<P>The first is learning to accept thats its okay to be angry afterall it is part of being human.<P>Second phase is learning as many positive ways of expressing anger as possible, ways that are not destructive to you or others around you. The key here is not to use your kids in anger against your x.<P>The third phase is learning to forgive. And that is not just at out x but also at ourselves.<P>I think I have handled the first two phases pretty well, and part of the third. I have not been able to forgive my x for what she has done to me and the kids. I was able to forgive her for the affair, but not what transpired after that, that will take some time. Although I am getting there too I think. <P>I no longer get as upset when my x has a night off(she works straight afternoon shifts) and doesn't take the kids, which is usually one night a week. I guess she is entitled to a life too.<P>Other items on anger are appropriate anger versus agressive anger. Appropriate anger fits the situation, agressive anger doesn't.<P>I would think you are having appropriate anger, afterall you lost both your h and a friend. So don't beat yourself up for feeling angry.<P>There is also beneficial anger. This anger helps us let go of and become emotionally distant from our x. It says in the book that people who are unable to express anger will prolong the process of letting go and often experience a great deal of depression and stay stuck and are unable to end strong feelings they have for a former spouse. I believe there are a few of these types on this BB.<P>I hope this info has helped. Please keep posting your vents here.<P>Somebody else posted how can people accept what is going on. I listened to a tape and they basically said that is the biggest problem the world faces today. The biggest sin today is not being accepting of everything everybody does. If you don't believe in someones elses beliefs or lifestyle, you are immediately branded a bigot or racist or labeled as intolerant or whatevera phobe just for not agreeing with thos beliefs.<P>My x was mad that everybody was so judgemental about her leaving the marriage and her kids. That gave her reason to drop religion and avoid her guilt.<BR> <BR>How are we to teach right from wrong when there no longer is any wrong, just shades of gray?<P>God Bless,<P>Bob<p>[This message has been edited by RWD (edited May 17, 2000).]

Bob, <P>thanks for the info.. I am going to look into the books Jim mentioned, as well as the one you mentioned now too.. <P>I just want to add.. that this anger is from the entire 16 yrs, of not being able to communicate, and at times had to styfle my feelings, and also being the only one between us, that took the initiative to do so, if needed and in the end, he just quite and left, no remorse, no apology, nothing.. 16 yrs... a very long time to crave that speical freindship I have always THOUGHT! we`d have one day.. the dissappointment is so great, it over powers my mind.. yet I still always looked at him or to him for being my best freind.. was that all only in my mind all those yrs..?? that is what still kills me, as well.. all those yrs.. and he doesn`t get it.. hasn`t got a clue.. will never emotionally connect, in a real way.. superficial for sure, but not for real..<BR>what a waist of a human being...<P>my stbx and this OW, go way back, (their bith 53 now) from high school, (she was his ex wifes best freind back then) and he (through out our living together, before marraige) gave me lots of signs that he didn`t have what it took, to be a communicater, and obviously he never learned or wanted to learn to develope it.. and keeps running from it, and also constantly said, he never had the chance to live alone, and do as he wanted.. (poor baby) obviously can`t live without having some one close by.. Is that what he thinks, living alone is all about.. to me living alone, means being on your own, no ties.. not getting serious, but yet he has never had NOBODY!!! It would have been a little better to know that is what he was doing.. but it doesn`t seem to be his way, to live! <P>His first wife, was a high school sweet heart.. they were both virgins, and married after he finished being in the service... then he left first wife, (mutual feelings) and lived with his next girlfreind, but never married the live in.. he left the live in for me.. he moved into his own place, alone, but had me and his ex live in, going on for 2 yrs.. (duriong that time I did not sit around while he shared week ends.. I did go out and make every effort to meet any one that wanted to settle down, since he showed no sign of giving the ex live in up, and not wanting marraige again, so he said..) then! suddenly!! he (on his own) decided to marry me, and told his ex live in to leave him alone.. we lived together for a yr, me not knowing his plan.. He was very indecisive and never told any one he was asking me to marry him, he said, "just in case he changed his mind" (we aloped!!) soI di not force this dicission on him in any way... <P>I am telling you all this, because, this man constantly wants/or/needs to change his surroundings, and persue another, instead of dealing with the issues of him self, at hand.. <P>This divorce and the new OW.. ( I call her perdue!) is a constant reminder to me, of who he was/is, and I was stupid enough, (I think *nieeve* is a better word) to beleive he could ever be anything different.. <P>Some of my anger is towards my own self. for putting up with his pathetic ignorance for so long.. but most of it is for the pain and hurt he has now causes me, and I get so angry, that I look and feel like a lunatic at times, that I can`t even stand my self, some times.. I get so angry, that I want to put him 6 ft under.. I sometimes feel that even that is not enough to do to him, for destroying another human beings, mind.. His leaving is what is responcible for my depressions, his leaving, caused me to become so distraught and angry, I can`t foucus or even function at times.. this, to me, is a real crime, that some one should be able to sue!! for intentional obstruction of the minds..!!!<P><BR>I come here to vent all of this, now, because it seems it has gotten wourse.. and I know I need to release it.. or I will for sure go out of my mind... <P>thank to all who have responded.. I do appreciate every bit of your time taken to help me, and be here for me.. <P><BR>AV

AV,<BR>We share some similar story lines. I was married for 16 yrs also. However my x accuses me of not being able to communicate so imagine my suprise when she said she has been unhappy for 10 yrs and she used to cry her self to sleep because she was so unhappy. I never saw or suspected that once. None of her friends knew either. So in 10 yrs, she never told anyone, especially me. She did hint at marriage counseling 2-3 times over the last 10 yrs but how many guys do you know want to do that, especially when you are unaware of any problem.<P>My x also always had to change things. We never paid off a car because she wanted different one before the current one was paid for. Decorations in the house were always changing. The thing is this never bothered me. Now I see it as a search for the ever elusive happiness. I guess me and the kids became interchangeable like the cars and decorations.<P>Please get rid of your anger at your stbx before you get into another relationship. You will soon start taking your anger out on that person and then what kind of relationship will you have?<P>God Bless,<P>Bob<P>

numbheart,<P>I believe all your emotions are very real...and my feelings were very similar to yours. The truth now....my children are finally doing much better and therefore my anger at H (and bimbo) is much less. I am still angry that H is IMHO acting so stipidly (as one would be angry at ones child for really messing up in a very major way), but H is not my child.<P>My anger has dissipated to a large extent, but it annoys me that H has brought trash into his childrens' lives (I do not see many op as trash, but this one is) and my older kids are now starting to say this..when before they felt that infidelity was wrong but " well if dad loves her". (they love their dad and had to be able to see something positive in her to understand this mess I guess but now they see the trash which is hard for them. This annoys me that H did not even choose someone of any worth to bring into my childrens' lives!!!<P>I still see the world as being superficial and the duality of acceptance of the infidel as being WRONG as well as the idea of no fault divorce....which is ridiculuous in my opinion.<P>I still believe in consequences and the fact that there are none really for this betrayal is hard, but that is where anger is too.....on the other hand there is nothing one can do to change this, so one has to let it go and not devote ones life to waiting for his to happen.<P>How trite, but time really is a healer.

Bob,<BR> <BR>Unlike your ex wife, I did express my wanting to communicate better time after time, during the first 9 yrs of our marriage.. (I think my complaints pushed him away, each and every time, further and further) I asked my ex to go out for dinner, if we needed to talk, each time there was a discrepency and he always promise after each talk to try harder, but never really did.. I truely was the only one working on our marriage, and the only one holding us together, at all times.. and it grew tiring.. but I never stopped loving or hoping in time things would turn around for us some day..<P>as far as changing his surroundings.. this is after about an 9 yr span, that he feels a need to LEAVE the situation, but doesn`t do so, until after he has found, (another person) an out.. although all he ever stressed in the past, was he always wanted to be on his OWN!!! no ties.. but never really is.. I`d still love to see that he did that much for him self, and not for another person.. that I could have handled a bit better, although my love for him, (unlike him) was and could have still been, unconditional... but he doesn`t know the real meaning to that word.. or we wouldn`t be in the situation we are in now.. thats why I know he`ll never really connect with any one.. <P>I know that I am a great person, and I would never take my anger out on the next person who may enter my life, that is, if I were to find that perfect chemistry again.. <P>I have learned alot during this past year and a half.. and the next person will only need one thing to win me over.. and that is to be able to out talk, *ME!!* if they can keep up with me, and be able to express every thought and feeling they encounter.. this is the man of any womans dreams.. <P>thank you for posting to me.. any mans opinion, counts 100% in my book.. I give the men on these boards so much credit for being at that point in thier lives to finally be able to make a difference and express them selves.. I love reading the mens posts.. and hope to see more of it, too.. it is an inspiration to know there *ARE* real men out there, who care.. who want to learn, and grow and find what all us woman always wnated and need, as well as the men.. it is equality.. no one is above the other.. but some just have not got the "point" yet..<P>willbok99,<P>I feel bad for the kids, that this OW is such trash.. it does seem so odd that the H`s don`t see what and who these people really are.. even if not *ACTING* like trash, most, (in my opinion) are trash, as one could go so far as to hurt so many others in their self indulgences.. it is all one sided, and they only learn this, after it being done to them, there after, and in time it will be done, if you are that way to begin with, it never changes.. what (to me) happens eventually, is, in time they grow old, and they settle for, instead of having to go out and do as they are use to, from yrs and yrs of the *rut* they`ve created in thier lives.. that is not happiness, that is living in limbo.. not knowing what makes them happy. not know what to feel any more.. their minds get all boggled into looking back at thier lives and their (ab-normal thinking) blames every one else, but who is really responcible.. which of course is them selves..! <P>He will eventually see her for who she is... and have a higher reguard for what he has left behind.. live each day, in harmony, and he will realize, he left a very good thing, and he`ll then realize what his loss was... which is/was called having a real life!! <P>the kids are always the ones to suffer, but one day that too will all smooth out.. that wil take alot of time, the way things sound.. but it will happen.. beleive me.. my dad left my mom, yrs ago.. (both still alive and well...) but I had no relationship with my dad back then either.. it is all past tence, and yrs later.. situations eventually change, (dads girlfreind of that time, died of cancer, and now that yrs have past, things just do ssmooth out) but it is the *TIME* it takes that every one talks about, that makes, that TIME! envious.. wishing it would go faster to be over with.. we all have to go through the motions.. there is not set time.. it is all up to us..<P>you take care willbok99.. thank you also for posting to and for me.. <P>AV<P>

The anger does dissapate over time, and it is easy to get caught up in the anger thing. I am a little bit of a control freak, and I know it angered me to no end that my X would not cut it off with the OW. He would tell me he wanted to, but would continue. <BR>I am sure I LB many times through this. While I am not an angry person, this situation really put me to the test. I just could not understand why he would give up all for this. <BR>But I have learned, I CANNOT make him feel, or see things my way. I had to just let it go, all the way, otherwise it was just eating me up inside. Once I decided to do that, my life got better. <BR>I still experience anger st him, esp. when soething happens with the kids, and I think it is the Divorces'fault. That I am still struggling with. But it will get better. <P>------------------<BR>Susan

Susan,<BR> <BR>Absolutly..!!! I totally agree.. and time is makig a difference, already, but not fast enough, right now, not for me, only for him.. because it was his choice, we get no choices, only dictated to... <P>It is the letting go, that is hard very for me.. To some, it sounds as though it is easy. but for me, I thought and wanted this to be my life long soul mate, who has now devastated not only me but our daughter as well.. (and his son, from the past, but is now an adult, and over it) he of course, thinks, (from being his second time doing this to a child, son first time around) that it does not effect the kids the same way, and thinks that in time they bounce back faster, to adjusting to it all.. <P>Well this OW is still married and things are yet to surface for my daughter.. like the TRUTH!!! because this OW is going to eventually leave her H, and my daughter watching her dad, then have to face her with this OW that interfered with her mom and dad, is going to be a big adjustment.. this is going to be another mountain this child will have to climb.. so in time, this is all still going to be a roller coaster of a ride in my kids life as well... all due to his ignorance!!!! and in time D will realize it will all lead back to his incapability, to have had the courage to deal with, cope, or made any effort to have changed, for the better, for all our sakes.. but he can`t see that, for he is way too blind to real life or any one elses feelings any more.. he is in his own world now.. and my daughter is only a small part of what will be his futrue.. sad.. but true.. and he is going to miss out on so many, CONVERSATIONS, as things happen to her.. and *I* will be the one to be there for them... and be able to watch her every day opportunities, and he has to be the one now to get a phone call.. IF!! he can be found.. and even then, it is just not the same.. being here, seeing her expressions.. feeling her joy, as it happens.. <P>It is something the betrayers will all have to live with, now, for the rest of their lives.. only we get to have it all, for the most part.. the spouse that chooses to leave a situation, winds up loosing out, on most of the (family) fun... the every day wows mixed with the every day highs!!! That is what really living is all about!!!<P>gotta run.. thanks for writting susan...!<P>AV<P>

I think what happens is that the pain begins to cut through the anger. For me, my x told me, almost up until the div was final, that he still loved me. But when I would ask if he wanted to postpone the D, he said no. <BR>So I got to a point that the pain of trying just got too much. I HAD to get on with my life. I had to let go, even though I did not want to. <BR>Will it come back someday?? Perhaps. When the affair has run it's course perhaps he will want to come back. But now that time has passed and I realize I am ok without him, I am not sure I would take him back. It would be very difficult to trust again, to truly feel he loved me, and not just wanting back his old life. <BR>The letting go is very difficult. And things happen that bring all those old feelings backto the surface. It is not easy, and I know several people here do not think life is better after Div., but I can say that the pain and depression I felt while coming to grips with all of this is fading, and I feel optimistic about my life. I will find love agin. I will have a meaningful relationship again. <BR>It has been a hard 2+ yrs. In the great words of Gloria Gaynor, "I will survive!!"<BR><P>------------------<BR>Susan

Susan, <P>we all will survive.. there is no doubt about that.. we all have no choice but! to move on.. it is something that just takes place after a while.. and we turn around a realize we *have* moved on.. in time... <P>2 yrs, for you.. 1 1/2 for me.. they say in most cases it is at least a four yr span for (pretty much) every thing to have surfaced and then fade... <P>I am not a quiter.. I know I am strong, and I am going to make it.. and live a happier life, knowing what I have gone through now and learned from this experience.. some of us, learn from our mistakes.. while others keep making the same ones over and over again.. that is my ex.. but not me<P>after he left and admitted openly to me (3 mths after he left) about his OW.. I said to him.. (being she was from his past) I never have and never wil go backwards in life.. I choose only to move forward, so he knows I would never take him back after what he has done to me.. he is now my past.. and has damaged any chance of ever trusting him again.. and to me, he is now just not worth the it any more.. <P>I wish you well susan.. thanks again for posting...<P>AV<P>

Numbheart, <BR>Let the anger go as well...as hard as it seems....<BR>Go out and experience other people, realize that there are others out there who have been hurt as we have been and I think you will begin to trust again. I did start to date after the divorce was final and for me, it helped me to realize there is life after him. <BR>Look at those of us that post here. We have all been through hell and back, but I would bet that most of us want that relationship of love again in our lives. The anger will just keep us from experiencing that once again. It is too soon for some of us to get involved again, but just the interaction with others is a great experience.<P>------------------<BR>Susan