Dana,<P>I posted on the bipolar topic about my x being an adult child of an alcoholic and you asked what that was.<P>I talked to my friend and his wife about it and they refered me to some books. They actually lent the one book to my x!<P>I guess the symptoms vary as to your birth order. There is usually a clown, a trouble maker and a perfectionist.<P>My friend is the perfectionist brain, he can figure mortages, how much it costs to drive a car a year in his head and he knows all the major league batting averages for players.<P>My x and her sister were both magna cum laude graduates in college. My x was/is also<BR>a perfectionist. There brother was the classic black sheep of the family.<P>They were unable to tell me how this related to having an affair though other than they saw some of the traits of a ACA(adult child of an alcoholic) in her. I guess the addictive trait is one of them.<P>Her parents were big time partiers till he had part of his lung removed due to lung cancer. He has been struggling healthwise ever since.<P>They told me of two books on the subject but I probably won't read them as I have too many other books to read.<P>They are by the same author, Janet Woititz.<BR>The books are:<BR>Adult Children of Alcoholics.<BR>The struggle for Intimacy.<P>Bob<BR>

Bob,<BR>that is so weird. My H comes from a family of 6 children. My H is the youngest....and the brain. One brother is the black sheep....bi-polar and an alcoholic. One brother is gay.....one sister is an alcoholic. The other sister is very beautiful, just the sweetest thing in the world. The oldest brother is the "I can fix anything...know it all type". <P>My father in law was an alcoholic and suffered and struggles with depression through most of his life. His parents had several children....kept only 2 and put the rest in an orphanage. He never reunited with most siblings and as far as I know.....had never seen his parents again.<BR>He passed away 1 week before our 8 year old was born. His mother had him cremated before my H was even informed of his death. My H dad did not speak to his oldest son for 12 years and only began being slightly "friendly" with him about 1 year before his death. He also would have nothing to do with his gay son and would never be caught dead in the same room with one of his grandsons. He literally hated his oldest granson....and would have nothing to do with him from the time he was born.<P>My H came from a very dysfunctional family....and I believe this has a lot to do with his "impressions" of what love really is.<P>His mother was actually so "alright" with her husbands death and even after 8 years has never showed any type of sadness over his death. Her mother (H grandmother) was married 6 times and father in law would not allow her to stay with them when her health became bad.<P><BR>That is probably why I feel so sorry for him....and sometimes I really do not think that everything he does to me or the girls is calculated and for revenge. He is probably a product of his environment.<P>Nancy

Nancy,<P>My xFIL is an alcoholic(isn't drinking now). He and his wife were big partiers all their lives till he came down with lung cancer.<P>I think my x's grandmother raised them or atleast babysat my x and her brother and sister. Thats why I believe my x could have just walked out on the kids so easily. I think thats the kind of relationship she had with her parents, they just dumped her on others.<P>Her brother told me he was physically abused by his parents trying to straighten him out. He is hard to believe as he is an alcoholic too. But he said my x used to just sit there and watch all the commotion going on, while her sister usually just left the room.<P>Its funny in that they are still the same today. My x loves the commotion of arguing and her sister still retreats.<P>My family was very quiet, I remember only ine time seeing my parents fight. I also never saw them kiss or hold hands either. The only time my father told me he loved me was when I left home after college.<P>So I was not used to all the commotion and I don't like to argue for arguings sake. So I was the quiet one in our marriage.<P>My grandparents(fathers side)were alcoholics too although my grandfather died in 1957. We lived with my grandmother till 1973 when she died. I still remember coming home at night and seeing her setting up in the dark drinking beer. So my father was the child of alcoholic parents.<P>I don't know how all this ties into getting divorced, but I was following my parents model of marriage and my x was following the model of her parents I guess. I just thought of something as I typed that, her father had an affair too. Hummmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

Bob, <P>Thanks for the reply. I didn't even notice that out there to me.<P>I think we are all a product of our environment. What happened to Ward and June Cleaver???? <P>I do see a lot of similarities in the way my STBX h's mom treated his dad when THEY went thru this exact same thing. The similarities are so close it is bringing the whole family back 20 years. Everyone is upset over things that happened, long before I ever knew my H. <P>Thanks for the book suggestions I love to read and will check into one since I think I read every book, article and post on marriage, divorce and infidelity. <P>Dana