Hi everyone,<P>I've been busy posting to other people and offering my advice (for what it's worth) but I thought it was time I quit taking over other people's threads for my own problems and get some advice all around. <P>Here goes....(deep breath)<P>May 16th was the 1 year anniversary of stbx & OW's first sexual encounter. May 24th will be our 15th wedding anniversay. May 26th is first anniversary of D-day. To top it off, OW (who lives 800 miles away) was here to see my almost xH this past weekend. She brought her dog for him to keep. That tells me she is probably moving down soon. Also, H was off work at the beginning of the week, probably because she was here and I bet she was looking for jobs. I feel so impotent. That's the only word I can use. No matter how much I hurt or how much I don't want it, she is moving here soon and I have to find a way to deal with it. H had promised me he wouldn't move her here for at least 6 months at the end of March after I went off the deep end. I found out she was moving down then. Boy, this promise was like all the others he ever made me...broken. Are they that desperate? Can they not control themselves any better than this? It just doesn't make sense to me. I find myself engulfed by feelings of hopelessness and hatred. I don't enjoy feeling this way. I wish I could move away from here. Or even better, H would move to where OW is so I don't have to deal with either one of them. I just want to get in bed and cry. I am obviously in the midst of a self-pity deluge. Sorry...<P>Does anybody have ANY good coping mechanisms? Any advice? Any cyanide? (just joking)<P><P>------------------<BR>Blessed be.<BR>****************<BR>Keridwen<P>Keridwen_7@yahoo.com

Keridwen,<BR>I am so sorry you have to go through such an awful ordeal.<BR>I appreciate the words of support you have given me and I just wanted you to know I am thinking of you and praying for you to have the peace and comfort that you so much deserve.<BR>They can be so terribly selfish. I wish it was all a bad dream and we could wake up from this nightmare.<BR>Take refuge in the Lord. He is what is getting me through this. I have found a wonderful church and the people there have been a great comfort to me and my son. <BR>Sending a hug and love to you,<BR>Lisa

Drat!<BR>Forgot the link!<p>[This message has been edited by Girlfriend (edited May 19, 2000).]

Hi Keridwen...<BR>I've thought about how I coped when I was in so much pain I had to remind myself to breath... all the *advice* sounded so cliché to me then, and it still does. I did not want to insult you with trivial advice you've heard a million times. <BR>I think I just crawled through those days second-by-(agonizing)- second, repeating the phrase "And This Too, Shall Pass, and praying for faith, (which was at an all time low).<BR>I did find a Book on the web, that helped me sort out the maddness and brought me surprising comfort. I am enclosing the link.<BR>Just click on the the table of contents and start right in. It's a good piece of work.<BR>I'll try and add anything helpful as things occur to me.<BR>God, what an awfull month this is for you!!<BR>October is for me for identical reasons. I will say this though. I will add lot's of special times to that month in the years to come, to "overwrite" the bad memories so that I can once again enjot the beauty of the Harvest moon, and all that is lovely about autumn.<BR> <A HREF="http://www.shcc.sbc.org/book2/welcome.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.shcc.sbc.org/book2/welcome.html</A>

Hi Keridwen -<P>I am so sorry that you are hurting so much.....<P>I would like to give you something that might give you hope and some cheer.<P>It is always better for these "affair addicted" spouses to actually have more and more time together with the OP if they have gone as far as ours have. Most of these relationships do not work out.....so, let her come here...let them start really seeing what the other is like in "real" life!!!<P>You think it will be sunshine and roses? Wait till the actual day-to-day drudgery sinks in.....<P>They have these grandiose ideas of their wonderful life together....they have no idea what each other is really like.<P>So, take heart in that. It may be a good thing for her to come here so soon. Do not think that your H does not still have some feelings and guilt for what he has done....it will all come to a head eventually.<P>BIG HUGS, <P>Sheba

Thanks guys. Today is a real downer. Now at least I know for sure what's going on. OW is moving down here next weekend. I found a one-way ticket to Detroit at his house. Actually...found is too strong a word. It was just laying out there for the world (and my kids) to see. He's flying up there Friday. All her utilities are scheduled to be disconnected next Saturday. They already have a joint checking account together. He!!, my divorce has not even been filed yet. I can't believe he expects the kids to go over there with him and the skanky ho sleeping together. And he hasn't told them yet either. She's already getting mail at his address. I feel like [censored]. I have the most horrendous headache. I feel like I have no soul left. Completely bereft of spirit. It hurts so bad. I feel like I'm gonna throw up. What do I do? I can't handle this. I feel like the world is caving in. SOMEBODY HELP ME!!!!!<P><P>------------------<BR>Blessed be.<BR>****************<BR>Keridwen<P>Keridwen_7@yahoo.com

Keridwen,<BR> Sorry,no cyanide here.I know how much this all $ucks,I really do.After my W moved out,it wasn't too much later she was showcasing her BoyToy to her family.My second family of 22 years!I was furious,hurt,couldn't comprehend it,and wanted to curl up and die.She also stopped over at my neighbors,and told her how wonderful and passionate the OM was.MY NEIGHBORS!The people I live next door to!<BR> For a while there,I didn't think I was going to make it.I'm still here,beaten and bruised,but still here.<BR> My advise for what it's worth:You have to pull yourself away from this relationship.You have to become your own person,just like before you were ever married at all.Find the things you like to do,and do them.Listen to your music.Drive where you like to drive.<BR> What's happening here is they are controlling you.They are making you miserable with their thoughtless actions,and they don't even care.Don't let them control you.Don't let these people with no morals,integrity and values,make you miserable.<BR> Once you can draw away and become your own person,true to yourself,you WILL feel better.Trust me,I've been there,done that.<BR> This is always harder when kids are involved.they shouldn't have to be put through this.I don't think they should have to be around the OW when you're not even divorced yet.<BR> You can handle this.You're stronger than you think.If I can make it(certified wimp),you can too.Your world may be caving in,but the world is'nt.It's still out there.You can make it through this,YOU CAN!<BR> --Murph<BR>

Keridwen,<P>Come on.....get up....we have to no matter if we want to or not. This isn't what we want out of life. We can't change what "has" happened...we can only look at ourselves and change within. <P>I don't want this...I never have...never will...but it is happening...it can't be stopped by me. I can only take the anger I feel and turn it into a positive thing for me and the girls. I don't lash out....don't scream (well not too much)....I use it to better myself. I work harder on myself and at my job....I clean faster and harder....I grab my girls and hug them, sometimes a little too tight, but I make sure that I do what I want to do for once. <P>If I feel lonley...I call friends...the girls and I go for a drive...through the country to look at the animals...nature...that makes us feel good, and beside the gas...it is free.<P>We go to the park and walk the trails...get on the swings.....and we talk....I listen....we hold hands....we love.<P>I don't need my H's love to survive...I only need the love for myself.<P>I know...but it still hurts....I still feel pain<P>Through all of this pain and torture...something good has to come out of it<P>nancy

Hi guys...Thanks for everything. I know I have to move forward and find myself. It's just hurts so damn much. But I am better today. A good night's sleep really helped. Took a sleeping pill and a long hot bath and I was out like a light. Just what the Dr. ordered. I talked to H this morning about all this and asked him when he's going to tell the kids. He wants to introduce her slowly to them and them not know "who" she is. I told him they have a right to know who and what she is. Because if he is not honest about her, when they do finally find out they are going to be very hurt and angry. I think they need to know from the get-go. I told him he either explains it or I will. What a moron he is sometimes. I do feel better today. <P>Murph...it helps to know others have survived this and are actually thriving. I have never really been a wimp, but this has done things to me I never thought possible. I hope things are better for you now.<P>Mental...hey girl! you and I keep going through this together. I am trying today to look at all the positives in my life. 3 healthy kids, a dog, a cat, my sister and her H, a good job, a nice home. I feel better already.<P>TTLG, Sheba & Girlfriend - thanks for your words of support...you guys help me make it through the day!<P><P>------------------<BR>Blessed be.<BR>****************<BR>Keridwen<P>Keridwen_7@yahoo.com

Keridwen,<P>You just have to keep concentrating on yourself and your kids and take things one day at a time, one hour at a time. I leaned heavily on friends and only ruined one relationship.<P>My marraige breakup is on a similiar timeline in May too. When my then w left last July, theu must have run right to the bank and and opened a joint checking account because when she paid me for part of the mortgage in Aug, she paid me with a chck from their joint account. Talk about pain. When I told her how much it hurt she couldn't understand and said they had given om's wife one too and she hadn't said a word. And this was to a woman that alledgely tried to commit sucide when her h left her for my w..<P>Things do get easier, my x and om have moved into their love nest on the south side of town and out of the main shopping area so I don't have to worry so much about seeing them around when I go to shop. I can go another way when I go south so I don't have to go past the house.<P>I can now drive by the motel they lived in without feeling pain and past a couple of their "other" places here and not think about it.<P>I still wish they would have moved to another nearby town so I won't have to run into them together like I did last week. I don't know how I will handle it if I run into them while either I or she have the kids.<P>My friend who has helped me through all of this, keeps saying just live one day at a time.<P>God Bless,<P>Bob<P>------------------<BR>"You can't always get what you want! But if you try real hard,you might just find, you get what you need!"<BR>Mick Jagger

Keridwen,<P>I think you are correct to tell themI don't remember how old your children are, but if they are teenagers there is no way they will not figure it out. Even if they are younger, at some point they will figure it out, and then, if it has been a secret, they are likely to be angry at you for keeping it from them. One of my pre-teen kids once said that there are few things worse than keeping secrets from your children.<P>One of my teenagers realized that he was having an affair as soon as he left. The therapist my H and I saw for a while was actually dumb enough to say that he should have told the kids he was renting a room from her - like they would actually believe that!<P>

Keridwen,<BR>Nellie's child was right. There is almost nothing worse than lying to your child. I grew up in a family where anything *unpleasent* had to be *kept* from the children. Cover stories were often invented to keep *us* from finding out. <P>I spent a lot of time as a child trying to figure out what was really going on. <BR>Some of the conclusions I came to were worse than the what they were trying to hide. I've had resentment, right up through adulthood, for things I later discovered never even happened. <P>Lying will damage your relationship with your children in way's you may never even realize...please don't.

Nellie & Girlfriend...I fully intend to tell the kids the truth - tactfully of course. It's H who doesn't want me to. He actually asked me why I was purposely trying to sabotage his new life with OW by telling the children the truth. I told him my decision to tell the kids has nothing to do with his life. It's for THEIR sake. I think children know more than we give them credit for. And they do imagine the worst and have undue stress from it. I will not lie to them. But I'm not stupid. I won't trash their dad. But they will know that's why he left. I think they have a right to know. He says I'm just trying to ruin everything. I told him he should have considered all the consequences of his actions before he did them. Then he wouldn't be in this mess. I could go on and on, but I don't have time right now to tell you everything that was said. Suffice it to say...any unhappiness the children are having he attributes to me. It couldn't POSSIBLY be him or the things he's doing. They are perfect angels with him. With me, they are scared and depressed and my 14 year old is very angry. But they are afraid to show this to their dad...he might leave permenantly. He says it's just because I make everybody around me miserable and I'm such a b!tch...that's why he left. Yeah right. Just before he started his affair he was still calling me by pet names and we had a great sex life and were having fun together. He has totally re-written 15 years of marriage. <P>RWD...I don't know how I will handle it either when I see them out in public or with the kids. Maybe I'll just duck and run! I'm glad to know it does get better. You hang in there too...are we the "walking wounded" or what?!<P><P>------------------<BR>Blessed be.<BR>****************<BR>Keridwen<P>Keridwen_7@yahoo.com

Keridwen7,<P>I am so sorry you are going through this. I feel ashamed that I am so down in my situation and I don't even have children (by choice). Your children are the innocent victims of this sad situation and as long as you can TRULY say to yourself that your motives for telling them "what the truth is" is really for their benefit, then you must be as honest as possible without saying anything derogatory about their father. Let them learn about him for themselves. And they will. They will hopefully even come to understand that you & he loved each other once and that they were created in love. The main thing is, of course he doesn't want you to talk to them about his OW but my gosh, if you are not even divorced yet, he seems to be rushing things but I do not know your herstory (NO TYPO HERE!) and I do not know how old your kids are but I agree with everyone that your children deserve to know at least one parent is being honest with them. It is too difficult for a child to live as healthy and prosperous a life with integrity if their basis is knowing that the people they trusted were not honest with them. Be kind, considerate and sensitive to how they will hear your words. They are feeling a very different pain than you are feeling. From reading your post, I can tell that you are a good loving mom. Be there for them. He needs to be there as well as he can be, but you need to be there and not just as the victim of a failed marriage due to a screwed up relationship. How they live their lives could really be impacted by how you choose to act in every moment.. every moment, from the time you read this. I know you have been hurt badly, I really do as well as I can from reading and believing you. But please, pray to God for the strength to get you and YOUR CHILDREN through this with your own personal integrity. You have that. No one can take that from you. NO ONE!<P>You deserve to have love and happiness. That these people could be so insensitive & selfish to move into the same area so quickly is beyong my comprehension, really. But if that is what is happening, YOU need to be your own best friend and lean on those who love you. Pretend to yourself that he died if it helps you. . Treat your children as if what happened between you two was a sad twist of fate and allow YOUR love that exists in you and comes from you to give them the safety net they must so desperately need. Do not let his BS guilt stop you from being honest with your flesh and blood. I hope that as a 42 yr old woman w/o kids you don't get offended by my honest attempt to give you my two cents but I know that as much as I am sad and heartbroken by the impending end of my marriage, I am so grateful to God that no children are being involved. You have a heavy load on you but God does not give us more than we can handle.<P>Stay here and get the support from those who have been there even much more than me.<BR>

Keridywn:<P>Hang in there. I know what you are now going through is devastating. When I was in your place not too long ago, I prayed for God to comfort me and give me peace through this terrible time and my bible fell open to Isaiah 41:10. I have just started reading the bible again (haven't since I was a kid in Sunday school) and I am not lying when I just opened up the bible to this passage:<P>"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. All who rage against you will surely be ashamed and disgraced; those who oppose you will be as nothing and perish." <P>Pretty powerful stuff, huh? I have read this over and over and it really helped me when I was at my lowest point.<P>Hope this helps!<P>Jennifer

Hannah...I am most certainly NOT offended by what you said. It was full of wisdom and compassion. I still haven't told my children about what's really going on for the simple reason that I don't want to hurt them. And I don't want it to even APPEAR that I am trying to trash their dad. As much as I dislike his behavior right now, I can't do that to my kids. I just don't want them to be introduced to this woman as dad's "new" girlfriend when it's been going on for a year now. They ultimately will find out the truth anyway and I think they will be angry at being "duped" by H & OW. I think it will only make them feel more betrayed. As far as acting with integrity, I keep telling myself that everyday. I know if I can remain true to myself and above reproach, someday I will benefit from this painful experience and know that I upheld my own beliefs and standards through the hardest time of my life. Thanks for your advice. And by the way, divorce is painful for anyone. You don't have to have children to be hurting. I feel for you and you are in my thoughts and prayers.<P>711...thank you. That was very inspirational. I have found more inner strength than I ever thought possible. This experience has taught me that if nothing else.<P><P>------------------<BR>Blessed be.<BR>****************<BR>Keridwen<P>Keridwen_7@yahoo.com