For those of you who are divorced, I am curious to know when did you start using the "Divorce" word? When did you know that this wasn't just a separation, but really going to divorce?<P>I've been married twice. Both marriages have ended/are ending because of infidelity. With the first one, there was no hesitation. He strayed, he payed. No regrets. No second chances. Ne hesitation. As soon as the adultery was known, the words "divorce" were out there. Proceeding with it was just a formality.<P>With the second one, I didn't know about the infidelity until we were separated two months. We didn't say the word "divorce" until I knew about the infidelity. I am not sure he's ever actually said the word- at least to me. We didn't tell anybody we were separated until the "divorce" words were spoken. It was almost like to say it made it so.<P>Even with the papers in process and the words out there, I held out some hope that it would not come to that. The deciding thing for me (I don't know if it feels final for him yet) was his inability to fully commit. I felt I accepted everything he'd done and was willing to see it through. He was still lying and doing things to make me see that he was unsure, unrepentant, and still selfish. There was no hope left for me.<P>Things changed for me once that decision was made. It felt "final". It felt like I'd just gotten off the roller coaster. It felt good. <BR>Just wondering how it is for other people. Is this really it or am I in for more nasty surprises? So much seem common to the whole infidelity/divorce experience. Just looking for some feedback.

Well in my case I was seperated for over 5 years. We used to say "there isn't any reason for us to get a divorce". After several tries at reconciliation and almost as many EAs and one PA on my stbx's part, I met someone that I enjoyed spending time with. But I didn't feel right about it so I ended it. When H found out that I was interested in someone after all this time, we went from saying "there's no reason to divorce" to "there's no reason to stay married". For the record, I hadn't felt married for quite a while before I met my friend. <BR>When we finally decided that divorce was enevitable I think we both felt relief. <P>I've held on for so long, not hoping for him to come back necessarily but for him to understand that if we had a chance we would need to change our communication styles. It became evident that this was not going to happen with just me willing to work on it, so I filed last week. <BR>I'm not feeling any fallout either. Like you a I have a sense of calm and finality.

I guess for me, it was after 6 months of separation (the 3rd one in two yrs) and after filing, the D was going to be final in 6 days. I wnet to my stbx and said, " I do not want this, I am willing to try. Are you sure this is what you want?" He said yes. <BR>Upon hearing that come out of his mouth, and knowing the affair was raging on, I just let go. I had nothing left to give. My love was suffociated right out of me (what was left) the second he uttered that word. <BR>If he had said, no, I don't want it either, then I wuld have told him that he would have to give up the OW if there were to be any chance. I am not sure he would have done it anyway. <P>------------------<BR>Susan

When I first learned of the affair, I guess divorce was the first words out of my mouth. When she agreed to counseling and giving om up I forgot about divorce. Each time she went back, divorce was brought up and she even started the papers. <P>ON the last reconciliation attempt, when I sensed she was no longer trying after 1 week and she told ne she was seeing om again, on my birthday no less, I decided I had had enough and restarted the divorce papers she had started.<P>I guess I knew it wasn't going to work out anyhow. I had never paid my lawyer and asked him to sit on the divorce papers. She had paid off her lawyer, so we ended up using mine. So all we did was make some corrections on the papers she had started.