Hey all, we did our dissolution agreement yesterday with both of our lawyers (hmmm, D-Day seems like it happened only 2 months ago....wait a minute...IT WAS ONLY TWO MONTHS AGO!). I'm keeping the house and retaining custody of my daughters; call me the 'primary residential parent'; she has visitation rights (EOW, two nights per week for 3 hours each).<P>My W is paying me $180.00 per month until she gets out of school next Spring and has a real job (she's working toward an engineering degree), then the payment jumps to whatever.<P>She wants 8% of the net gain on the house when it is sold (i.e., $10K over what we bought it for means I would owe her $800.00)...<P>She took the title on our '95 mini-van (the OM co-signed for her), and will pay nearly $200.00 per month on it for the next 4 1/2 years. It shows up on my credit report as having been 'paid off' by me. <P>That's about it. Our lawyers complimented us on working so well together; they both stated that they've been to a dissolution agreement where everything was worked out in an hour (I didn't exactly blush with pride over this accomplishment).<P>I'm still in Plan A mode since we're working so well together, but her shell hasn't cracked anymore. She seems quite happy that the lawyers are filling out the paperwork and that it'll all be over within a month or two. <P>theo<P>

Congratulations on getting your daughters! You did the right thing, looking out for their best interest.<P>Worked out in an hour? Heck, our temp custody hearing took all day negotiating (and I have the $3,000 lawyer bill to prove it!)<P>Good job and Good Luck. Stay strong for those girls

Hey Theo,<P>Congratulations!!! Your stbx must really feel guilty to give you a deal like that. Thats even better than mine!<P>Just remember, and I hope your stbx remembers that the kids need to see her as much as possible.<P>My x sees the kids a little more than the eow and 3 hrs per week. She takes them one night a week, and everyother weekend on Sat & Sun. She doesn't usually take them till noon on Sat.<P>Again best wishes and GODS Blessings to you and your girls.<p>[This message has been edited by RWD (edited May 22, 2000).]

thanks guys for the encouraging words...as you already know, it's a sick feeling when someone tells you how well you made out when, at the same time, you feel as if the one you loved has cut out your heart.<P>good luck with your future endeavors!<P>theo<P>

Theo,<BR>I know exactly what you mean. I have a "good deal" too. I am staying in the house, primary custody of the kids (standard visitation for joint custody with me as primary custodian), I keep my '99 Nissan Quest, H pays mortgage, van payment, and my car insurance, plus 1/2 medical bills, 1/2 divorce (he doesn't have an attorney), plus alimony. Basically over half his take home pay goes to me & the kids. But you still feel like you're dying inside. I just feel thankful I can pay the bills. No frills mind you. But I would have much preferred to keep my family intact. But H is so far into fantasy land that it's scary. And I wouldn't have him back at this point anyway. D-day was 1 year ago this Friday. In some ways it seems like an eternity and in others it seems like just yesterday. I have so many people congratulating me on "taking him to the cleaners" but that was never my intention. I just wanted to get the best possible scenario for my kids. They don't deserve to be economically disadvantaged because my H is an idiot. But it still hurts like he!!, even after a year. I start college (again) this Fall. I'm hoping that will help me focus on something positive so I can move on with my life without H. Oh, and OW is SOOOO proud of all the changes he's made in his life over the last year...like abandoning his family and turning into a callow jerk. Sorry for venting...I feel better now though. Best wishes to you and your girls. <BR><P>------------------<BR>Blessed be.<BR>****************<BR>Keridwen<P>Keridwen_7@yahoo.com

OK, what does it take to keep the kids, as a H?<P>What do I have to do? prove the Affair, or is that not enough?<P>thl<BR>

THL, interesting (but vague) question. In Ohio, an affair doesn't mean a damn thing; my case was a matter of my wife feeling guilty and at the same time wanting out, and it didn't help her case that she left home the night she revealed the affair to me. Plus, she's been forgetting times/dates with the kids (of course I've documented all of it) and neither of us have any money to do a 'traditional' divorce.<P>If we would have went through a divorce, she may have gotten more from me, but we didn't have a lot to begin with. Plus, if the judge had any morals, they would tend to look at my W as deserting the family, but again it wouldn't matter that she left to live with the OM.<P>So, don't worry about proving anything. As in my case, you just need to have some 'positives' (bleah, couldn't think of another word for it) on your side:<P>-did she leave home?<BR>-does she feel guilty?<BR>-are you both poor with little or no assets?<BR>-have you lived in your house for less than a year?<BR>-is she driven primarily by material wants?<P>By no means am I in the clear; the paperwork is being filed by the lawyers, but nothing is concrete until we walk out of the courtroom.<P>theo<BR>(p.s., I still love her immensely and would take her back right now)

Keridwen, didn't mean to skip your post...it kind of makes you feel like you're on welfare, doesn't it?<P>Here's hoping that your xH and OW are soon miserable together, whether you want him back or not! I constantly hope that the OM gets hit by a train or a bus, but there aren't many tracks here in the city and the buses don't drive fast enough. Maybe something I haven't thought of will happen to him; surprises are more fun anyway!!! (btw, he WAS one of my friends for the past 7 years; I'm the one that suggested my W work there to help out the company...*#$@*&%).<P>Good luck with school, Keridwen! If you're up for it, you couldn't find a better place than a college or university to meet someone else...<P>take care,<BR>theo

thl<P>I can only tell you what I did (and what she didn't) to get custody of the kids.<P>First, I was the one that got them up, fed them breakfast, took them to school, picked them up, fed them dinner, gave them baths, read them stories, and put them to bed. You need to show that you are the one that the children are more closely bound with.<P>Second, due to the nature of my job, I was able to spend more time with the kids. I go to school full time and work part time, so I was able to be home by 1 every day.<P>Third, the apartment we lived in was student housing. She couldn't stay there if I left. Kids were already established in school, etc. Judges look for the least amount of disruption to the kids lives.<P>Fourth, I was able to show that wifey was not around much. I doesn't make any difference, sadly, that she had an affair. But it makes a big difference if she is working 50 hours a week and then taking another 30-40 to be with OM, as mine was. I put all this on a spreadsheet, showing the time she was gone. Didn't mention the OM at all. But it came through.<P>Fifth, I had all of my ducks in a row. When the judge had a question, I had a well thought out answer. Wifey didn't. Make sure you have plans and contingency plans. When you are done with that, have contingency plans for the contingency plans.<P>Sixth, and most important, I kept the kids as the main focus of my efforts. What would be the best thing for them? I have asked myself that question hundreds of times in the past 8 months. I haven't done everything right, but I think I have done pretty well so far.<P>Good Luck to you.

Granpabri, I've found how important #6 is in the past couple of months; like you, I was a student for several years and knew how to run a household, take care of the kids, etc.; no prob there. But, I started out focusing on her affair and how wrong it was, etc. etc., whereas my focus should have been directed to the kids from the get go. I recognized that almost immediately through counseling and righted the ship.<P>theo<P>

THL - <P>I don't about everyone else on here...I am the mother and the betrayed so it wasn't really a question about who would care for the children. But, the overriding factor seems to be the betrayed's guilt and the fact that kids get in the way when you're trying to carry on an affair. To be honest, taking care of kids and being distracted by their wants and needs is probably one reason the betrayers find someone else. Now, I'm not saying this is OK. I think they have a basic selfishness. But a lot of times when the wives leave (and H's too) they don't want the kids because they would cramp their style. I know my H doesn't. Then he wouldn't be free to jet about the country seeing the "skanky ho" as I call her. I admire you guys for the committment you have made to your children. Believe me, I know how hard it is! But I love my kids. They are what keep me going. Like GP2 says, have contingency plans on top of contingency plans. <P>Theo...you daydream about the bus or train scenario too??? I thought I was the only one wishing for that! I have never been a violent person. I don't hit, I don't hurt other people, but when it comes to OW, I just want to rip every hair out of her head one by one. I want the fleas of a 1000 camels to infest her armpits. I want her to get some really nasty, debilitating STD that leaves her sterile and unable to walk. God...I'm getting carried away. It's all too easy to entertain these fantasies. I have a friend who's in AA and they use this technique and she says it got her through this hateful stage when her H left. Everytime she thought about OW, she said, "Bless her, Lord". She said it really helped her stay positive. I have been trying it too, but as you can see I have yet to become completely effective with it. Maybe you will have better luck. Just remember, what goes around comes around. They will eventually get what they both so richly deserve.<P><P>------------------<BR>Blessed be.<BR>****************<BR>Keridwen<P>Keridwen_7@yahoo.com

Theo,<BR>The time in front of the judge is only about 10 minutes. All they ask you is your name and if you signed the documents of your own free will.<P>We actaully had to wait around after the divorce for almost for an hour because some papers showing I was providing insurance for the kids got lost somewhere and nobody in the courthouse wanted to retype and notorize new ones so we had to wait around for that.<P>WhenIfindthetime,<P>I too am in OH. My x left me with the kids because she "felt confident they would be alright with me." Nothing about her job being too important and her unwillingness to change that for the sake of the kids or that they would inhibit her and om's day trips!<p>[This message has been edited by RWD (edited May 23, 2000).]

Those of you who have the kids and a spouse who is only seeing them for a minimum of time.. be greatful! My H has left, but he fighting for more time with the kids (He sees them now every other weekend , plus two dinner nights every week) and he just keeps wanting more time with them. Our kids are young.. they want to see daddy.. but it always has to be on his terms.. not according to what they need. They are basket cases when they come back hom after a weekend with H. Thye have fun with him and are safe.. but they are not up to being away from me and their home for so many nights in a row (three. The kids are 5 and 3 respectively. H is only 4 miles away.. I keep trying to talk to him about how the kids don't want to sleep over that long.. and ask him to spend the waking moments with them an let them sleep here.. but he won't hear of it. The last time he had them it broke it my heart to hear them crying and asking to come home whenever I called in the evening to say good night. This coming weekend is his weekend.. I mentioned it to my son tonight so that he would know it was coming up.. his response was .. do I have to sleep there? and Daddy won't bring us back to you when we ask him to.. it broke my heart! He was never there for them when he was here.. sure he loved them, but his work and/or pleasure always came first. He thought nothing of working late or on weekends.. or of missing a family night to go drinking with buddies.. now all of a sudden he is trying to be a devoted dad. In his case it is all misdirected guilt.. his Dad left him when his folks divorced and he hates his Dad for it.. so, of course, he does not want to be like his dad.. and he is over compensating.... all of my firends and even his own relatives think he is acting like a hypocrite... but no one tells him to his face! I am soo frustrated!!!!! So, evan though you all have minimally involved spouses for your kids.. think of the bright side.. that means you can be their main influence..you can make all the key decisions and they will benefit from their close relationship with you.. the only loosers are your spouses and their moms...