Bruce, I'm with KS, you are a dream. I hope I can be fortunate enough to find a man like you someday.

Bruce
<br> Thanx for the advice as far as our marriage goes it is great except for the fact that he has to go his porno sites.I know im not ugly
<br>but im not perfect either! I think our marriage is great and very satisfying thats why I dont understand this obssesion he has with looking at women expose their bodies to the world. IF I would ever dream or think of doing such a thing or even stripping he would go crazy and divorce me. Thats why I dont understand why it is okay for him to go look at the women who do but if I were in their shoes he ouwlndt like it all. MAybe things will get better here and soon. I love my husband more than anything he is a dream come true for me he treats me great adn makes me feel very wanted at times and tells me im sexy. If i can get him to break this addiction IM sure things will be a lot better here. And as for you your wife needs to get a grip on what she has before she loses you for good. You give great advice and are very kind. Thanx for all your help It means alot to me to know there are men out there that can see were we women come from!

Parizade, Miya
<p>Thanks for your compliments. Under ordinary circumstances it would make me feel good. Not that it makes me feel bad.
<br>But I feel so bad that my marriage is in the shape it's in that I don't feel anything like the guy you're complimenting. It's a sad thing to be able to give someone else good advice while your own case is damaged.
<br>I went to the bookstore tonight and picked up about $46.00 worth (3 books) of books on getting your relationship straight when only one mate is really making a contribution. I can see I've got my work cut out for me. I haven't had a kiss or hug since last Sunday and I'm running on empty.
<br>Sorry about the sob story but right now this is my only outlet. Thaks again and take care.

Bruce, would you be willing to share the authors and titles of the books you've found? And maybe let us know what you think of them once you've had a chance to get into them a little bit?
<p>I have ordered three of the Harley books, "Surviving An Affair" is one of them, "His Needs, Her Needs" is another, and I think I ordered "Give and Take" as well. I am hoping they arrive tomorrow.
<p>Thanks in advance
<p>terri

Terri,
<p>I had intended to pick up only one book that I had heard about. But they didn't have it. After I started browsing I found the three books I mentioned. They all seemed to have information so pertinent to my case that I decided to just buy them all. I sat there for a couple of hours reading parts of them all and I think they will be very helpful.
<p>One is a book you recommended; Getting Your Lover Back by Blase Harris. It's already hitting the mark for me.
<p>Also: Overcoming Relationship Impasses by Barry L. Duncan and Joseph W. Rock. The subtitle is "ways to initiate change when your partner won't help".
<p>Finally: Divorce Busting by Michele Weiner-Davis. It spouts marriage saving techniques that get results within a month, focus on solutions, not problems, can be used alone or with your spouse.
<br>I think these books have good info. Hope it helps someone besides me.
<p>

I need help. I'm going to do my best to explain my situation. It too has to do with my husband watching web porn but that is only part of it. He's been married before and I'm not totally convinced he's over his ex. This is my first (and only) marriage. I asked him to get rid of her photos and he did, but he keeps reminding me that he did it for me. I just want to hear that he did it for our marriage.
<br>I've confronted him on numerous occassions about the web porn but everytime there is a new reason from him. He watches it when I leave for work (he works from home), or when I'm in the shower. I don't know what to do. He tells me its a guy thing. I'm tired of hearing that. Once he said its part of his sexuality and that it doesn't concern me.
<br>I love him more than I could ever imagine. I feel like if this little problem went away (it is little but its the only problem) everything would be perfect. We've only been married 8 months. I think we have a very healthy sex life but on occassions when I find out that he's been looking at porn, I get turned off. I think I satisfy him to great lengths and together we have fulfilled a lot of each other's fantasies. I want this to go away but I'm tired of fighting about it. I tired of hearing that I'm OVER-REACTING. Thats the worst thing anyone can tell me.
<p>Please give my advise. I want this marriage to work. Divorce is not an option. I think when we love each other like we do, there has to be a way of working things out.

Bruce, I know how you feel Somtimes I go for a month or so without sex or even being kissed or hugged the way you would exspect from your mate you do have your work cut out for you but it takes two hun to make a marriage work if you are the only one willing to make it wokr it more than likely wont.
<br>I hope the books help I have found nothing to help me as of yet good luck with your wife and stay sweet and as understanding as you
<br>are.

mdm,
<br>I know how you feel iam in a similiar situation my husband does the same thngs here from old photos of his ex to the web porn thing he tells me the same thing your husband does its a male thing and we constantly argue and fight about it.I have found nothing to amke him stop we have fullfilled eachothers fanties as wella s trying new things and he still does it like it has been said Its an adiiction thats hard to break. I wish you luck if you find anything that works with your husband let me know I need the advice im lost as well.

Thanks Miya,
<p> It helps to know I'm not alone. If one of the guys in this forum area have any suggestions that would help us, please let us know.
<p> Thanks

Ladies (in general) who asked for male opinions,
<p>I'd responded to this thread before, but I'd like to add that (to some degree) it does seem to be "hard wired" into men, the same for looking at other women. I say this because it's not something I "want" to do, I just do on occasion. Then again, I'm a pilot. If an airplane flies over, I HAVE to look up to see what it is. It's just something I can't resist.(Sometimes people say that flying - or some other thing - is better than sex. Maybe it depends how good the sex is!
<p>MDM, I won't tell you that you're "over-reacting", I think your concerns are valid (you too, KS.) I would say that (in my case) the urge to look at porn stems from an unmet need for sexual gratification at home.
<p>BTW, only HE can say how much he needs to satisfy his needs, just as only YOU can say how much affection (or whatever) is enough to satisfy YOUR needs) If you were to ask him if he tells you "I love you" and holds your hand (non-sexually) enough, he would probably say yes. You might think it's woefully inadequate. Only the person with the needs can say whether they're being met adequately or not.
<p>Val
<p>

Thanks Val,
<p>Do you or any of the other guys have any suggestions on what we should do to help us get our husbands out of this habit and heal our anguish?
<p>May be put yourself in our husband's shoes, hypothetically.
<p>Any advice?
<p>Thanks.

Val, if it's okay sometimes for a man to turn to other women for gratification of sexual needs via porn, then is it okay for a woman to accept affection, such as love letters or flowers or hugs, from other men if her need for affection is not met at home?
<p>There's this guy in my area who sells hugs. He will lay with a woman all night, fully clothed, just holding her and saying whatever she wants him to say. He even encourages his customers to write scripts for him to read while he holds them. Some women write scripts for him that reflect what they wish their fathers had said to them. He doesn't get involved in anything sexual, just affectionate.
<p>Would it be okay with you if your wife used his services whenever you were unable or unwilling to meet her needs for affection? <p>[This message has been edited by Parizade.]

Parizade,
<p>If I gave you the impression that looking at porn was "OK", then please excuse me. That was not my intention. What you describe would be no more "right" than a man looking at porn.
<p>What I was trying to say that if there's an unmet need that only the wife can ethically fill, then it behooves both partners to negotiate the filling of these unmet needs to both partner's satisfaction.
<p>Whether it's "ethical" for a woman's need to be met by another man is probably more debatable. Sex outside of marriage is obviously wrong, saying nice things, or even filling their need for conversation "technically" isn't wrong - though I know that men become jealous if their wife or girlfriend even talks to another man.
<p>Again, I wasn't saying that viewing porn was OK, just something that men are susceptable to.
<p>mdm, I would say that you should tell your husband how much it hurts you when he browses the porn sites, etc. and ask him to stop. I think this would also give you a good chance to find out more about why he does it.
<p>I think if the shoe were on the other foot, I would have to take a direct approach. (If, of course, I could work up the courage to tell her how I feel!)
<p>Val
<p><p>[This message has been edited by V.]

My wife told me to come to this section and read all the replies posted. We are having some serious problems when it comes to sex and I have started looking at porn sites.<br>I have a sex drive that would make hugh heffner embarrased, It is not that i like explicit pornography or that i want my wife to engage in the porn that is displayed online but since our sex life has dwindled I have found other avenues to satisfy myself.<p>Early on, we both had an equal sex drive, She usually initiated sexual contact and bought lots of new ideas into the bedroom, but slowly things started to change. The things we used to do that bought us both pleasure she now says that she doesnt like to do (she says that she never liked to do them but gave me no indication that she was uncomfortable). Sex for us dwindled around 3 times a month, and on her conditions. It is always the same, On the weekend, after she has taken a shower and right before she goes to bed.<br>Sex has become mechanical, I like to have at least 10-15 minutes of foreplay but she always says that it just wastes time and she has to go to sleep. She acts as though the faster it is over with the better it is for her. (BTW sex during the day is totally out of the question, it has to be at night with the lights out)<p>My wife has a sexy body and i quiver whenever i see her, (I say to myself that i am lucky that such a gorgeous woman has chosen me to spend the rest of her life with). Her looks are not a problem for me or any man (i get compliments on her all the time). As for me, My wife tells me I am attractive and although i have put on a little weight since we married, she says my love handles are cute, and it is like cuddling a big cuddly bear (i am not fat, The Air force wont let you get fat)<p>Sometimes (very rarely) she will let me please her in bed (my orgasm is always inevitable so i am never concerned with that, it is her pleasure that is important to me) we even rent some movies every now and then but only if she is PLANNING to have foreplay or engage in any other sexual activity other that straight missionary style sex. She tells me that the only way she can get turned on is by watching these movies and will not even let me touch her until she has watched enough and feels ready for sex. Most of the time i feel left out because it can take an hour or so of just sitting on the couch waiting for her to say she is ready. When we finally get down to it she makes me feel that i should be grateful for the sex.<p>I turned to my computer to redirect my frustrations, (somehow i thought that shooting little martians would help) but inevitably i found myself on a XXX web site. Dont get me wrong, i dont get turned on by seeing all the detailed graphic images, more so the pictures that show couples together enjoying each other. I fantasize that it is my wife and me together doing those things (not explicit just being close to each other)<br>I do notice other women on the street, what goes through my mind is things like imagining those women in the pictures i see or maybe even wondering what they must be like in bed, if they will let me pleasure them the way my wife wont let me pleasure her, stuff like that. I don't act on it, I never will. Marriage is supposed to mean something and that includes being faithful to your spouse. Maybe by just looking at these women or by viewing porn online or watching movies is in a way being unfaithful but i am referring to physical contact.<p>She told me that i need to stop looking at the web sites, she is right but until the spark is back in our own sex life (i have tried many ways to help put her in the mood, candle lit baths together, flowers, love notes, telling her how much she means to me, and whispering sweet nothings in her ear, etc. But they only work when she feels like she WANTS to get in the mood that night.) then i feel that i have nothing else to turn to other than maybe to have an affair that she has suggested to me on many occasions.(she says that i am entitled to go and find a woman that will pleasure me the way she will not) I am NOT entitled to and WILL NOT do that!!!!!!! <p>I cant help my sex drive, it has been with me since i first noticed girls and will probably be with me until i die. As for right now, i am living 8000 miles away from my wife and 2 children (military relocation) and will be here for the next year. This hasnt helped matters. We video conference often to keep in touch and conversation always seem to turn towards sexual matters.( Yes i am the one to start talking about sex). I told her that i would like to see her dress sexy for me every now and then and maybe put on a little show for me (in my mind if she does then we can picture ouselves together and the gap between us will not seem as far). She did do that one time and told me how much she did like to do it but the next time i asked her to she exploded and protested how much she hates doing that (does this behavior sound as confusing to anyone out there as it does to me?)<p>I am in a remote location in the world and prostitution is abound, also combined with the other women that are deployed here also freely engage in sex with anyone. It is a little difficult resisting because everytime i leave my room there are women everywhere and i find them approaching me in a sexual manner, but i still firmly believe in staying faithful to my wife.<br>I see it as having 2 choices, either go out and give in to the women here or find at least a little relief online. I dont see the harm in going online to find what i need (like i said, i dont go looking for the explicit stuff, i like to see the intimate things which is hard to find because there doesnt seem to be any tasteful XXX sites out there).<p>I am not perfect, i am sure that i have a lot of blame in this matter because my sex drive hasnt gone down any since we married even though hers has. I am convinced that I do the wrong things in the bedroom but she always tells me that there is no problems with my performance.<p>We do have other problems, we have a sick child that is living on borrowed time (she was not supposed to live 2 weeks after she was born but is now 3 years old) and my wife has been going through depression recently, but this is me, this is the way i am and i cannot change that, at least not overnight as she is demanding that i do. Internet pornography is the only outlet i have right now, at least by getting my frustrations out of the way before we talk, i dont ask so much from her.<br>I know there are going to be a lot of replies about me being totally wrong so let me have it.<p>One last point that i hope someone can explain to me, Whenever my wife rents sexy movies or goes online to see porn (she doest go online very often but she does go there occasionally) it seems to be ok, but when i do the same, it is usually met with demeaning comments and demands that i stop.<p>i hope i have given a little insight as to why SOME men go to XXX sites <p>Thanks for reading this, I had some frustrations that i needed to vent and i hope i diddnt bore you too much.<p>Mark

You could get into trouble with the Air Force if you commit adultery, right? Maybe even destroy your career? You really are between a rock and a hard place.<p>Mark, your situation is bewildering. You say that your wife is encouraging you to find another lover as an outlet, but she gets upset if you use pornography. But she uses pornography herself, it is often the only way she can become aroused. How very confusing that must be for you. <p>Was she ever raped or sexually abused as a child? Her behaviour certainly fits the pattern. Women who were raped or sexually abused at a young age can become real basket cases over sex. They waver between nymphomaniac and nun. <p>Have you tried counseling?<p>

Mark,<p>I understand where you are coming from and have even used the same justifications (although not to view pornography). You have to be honest with yourself and only you know the answer. Is viewing the pornography actually helphing you or hurting you in the long run? Is looking at it helping to increase your desire for that which you do not have? In my honest opinion it is making you have an increased desire almost to the point of obsession which I don't see as helping. Your wifes decreased desire could be part of her depression. I would recommend couseling for the two of you. There could be some deep routed things that are causing this. Like she has told you it is not the sex, so it must be something else. I wish you luck in figuring this out. <p>Steph

Mark, you said your wife was experiencing depression because of the stress of your sick little girl? Is she getting any counseling or medication to help her with the depression?<p>Depression is the number one cause for an otherwise healthy individual's sex drive to change. For most, it is reduced or goes away! Her confusing and conflicting behavior and words could easily be a result of depression as well. Depression is a relatively easily treated disease, so if she's not getting any treatment or counseling, she really should get some help.<p>I can't think of much of anything that could be more depressing to a mother than the idea of losing her child. Please encourage her to get help!<p>terri

Mark,<p>I echo Terri about the possibility of depression or the situation with your child being a cause.<br>Man, I have to tell you that even though I don't think viewing online porn is the way to go, for you or your wife, I really find my heart going out to you in what you described.<br>You sound so much like me. My wife and I will have been married 20 years on the tenth of this month. She is even more of a knockout now, and just seeing her walk by (fully clothed) is enough to, as you say, "make me quiver". And if she walks by with very little on, well, suffice it to say that I'm reduced to nerve endings.<br>Also, like yourself, I love the foreplay. That's almost indispensible in my view. I've found that when things are going fairly well in the relationship as a whole that is what makes the bedroom times so great. As my wife and I were going through our marital difficulties we still had, and it was still good, but it did not involve the same intense giving of one to another as it did when things were ok. I'm thinking that perhaps the situation with your sick child has contributed to a kink in the relationship that has spilled over into the bedroom. Of course this is pure speculation on my part. I'm not a counselor and I sure don't know your case well enough to comment intelligently.<br>But I do empathize intensely with you and I sincerely hope you and your wife can resolve the problem.<br>If she told you to cpme to this section and read the posts I take that to mean that she is herself looking for answers, no? If that's the case it means both of you are looking for answers and if that's the case then the biggest battle is won - two willing partners. The rest should just be a matter of trial and error.<br>I wish you the best, Mark. Hang in there and stay faithful to your wife. When you two reunite you'll be so glad you did, in spite of the temptations you now endure. And believe me, I know they are formidable.

mark,<br> l'm taking a guess here,but l am figuring you are in korea??? Well, my H got back from there and he had an affair. lt wasn't until his 5th month there,but once it happens it doesn't really matter how long the person waited til he finally succumbed. l see you say you would never do that,and l believe that you believe that,but you will see on this website those that say never are sometimes in for a rude awakening. l never in a million yrs imagined this would happen to us. Problem is......you are there......she is here.......and things happen. Especially to those who are so occupied with sexual thoughts.You just have no idea what you are up against over there. l am sure your wife doesnt really mean she wants you to go elsewhere for sex. She probably is either really guilt ridden and therefore feels you deserve better or she is just saying that to test you. Either way......this is going to be the longest and hardest year of your entire life and you have no idea how bad l feel for you and your family. lf you would like to chat drop me an email at tomato37@hotmail.com.......l can show you the dozens upon dozens of letters l wrote to my h while he was over there trying to keep him from continuing his affair and telling him how l really felt about holding our family together.l found out when he was home on midtour so l spent the last 6 months in hell,not knowing what was really going on. Perhaps, my story can save your marriage and help you keep the strength. <br>ali

I am going to try and keep this short (if you have read any of my last posts you would know that is next to mpossible for me ) because I am running out of internet time.<p><br>Yes my wife has acknowledged that she may be depressed. She goes through periods of happiness and complete hoplessness that she can not explain herself. She has gone to see a doctor to find out if there is any physical problem with her but did not have a full physical done (she doesn't trust military doctors for many good reasons) She will also not have any blodd tests done because she is afraid if needles. This has left many unanswered medical questions because she would only allow a brief exam when she went and the exam diddnt reveal anything (it wouldnt really, it only consisted of taking her vitals and a brief talk with the doctor)<p>She hasnt totally ruled out the possibility of using medication to help her but is deathly afraid that it will change her life for the worse (besides that, the military will only authorize the medication if a doctor comfirms the need and like i said she diddnt get a good enough exam)<p>We both need a lot of counselling to help us with our problems (that seem to be building up) I have taken the time we have apart to enrol in marraige counselling classes twice a month (been to 3 so far) and have seen a cousellor 4 times now (WE have been apart for 3 months now)<br>My wife on the other hand has only gone once and that was on persistent insistance that she goes. She will not go back again because as she said it "I don't like the counsellor, he made me feel like he diddnt care" I asked her to find another one but has refused. She said that she will go to counselling when I get home but I don't think our marriage is strong enough to hold out that long.<p>ALI"<br>You were right on the money, I am stationed in korea right now. I can kind of understand why your husband had the affair, like i said, there is plenty of sex going on here, with married men AND women, and then there is the prostitution right outside the base. I havent found out personally but I hear that $20 and a beer will get you what you want.<br>There is a small village set up outside the base that contains nothing but bars with dancing girls (the girls are for sale) they each take turn dancing provocitavly on the stage (not getting naked but wearing skimpy bikinis) and then going into the bar to sit with any man that calls them over.<br>I have gone to this place once in the 3 months i have been here, not just to remove myself from the temptation or that I have all but given up drinking but also that if you look closely, EVERY woman that is dancing on the stage has "mysterious" brown spots between their thighs!<br>I was told that they were genital warts that had been burned off.<br>That is another reason why I am staying faithful to my wife while I am here, I have a wife and 2 young children that I would be putting in terrible danger if i was to succumb to 1 night of selfish sexual pleasure. Even if by some reason I found myself in bed with a woman here, I would call my wife and tell her to leave. I would have to divorce her because there is NO WAY i am bringing a disease home that may kill my family. My oldest daughter (3) has a hard time fighting a cold let alone anything else. So there is more insentive to stay faithful. The American women? No chance, you have no idea who the last person was that they slept with, it may have been someone who has slept with one of the local prostitutes recently!<br>Speaking of "local prostitutes", They are also brought in from RUSSIA believe it or not, the women are told that they can get to america by marrying someone here or by making enough money through prostitution to pay their own way. Unfortunealty their own dreams are shattered because it turns out they are suckered into coming here by who is rumoured to be the local mafia that is running the place and are sent back to Russia after they dont make any money anymore or if they get sick. Sad huh?<br>When my wife talks about wanting me to have an affair, she never sounds too concerned whether i do or not (she does say in a casual manner that we would probably end up divorced if i do)<br>I don't like this because as my wife, she needs to be more protective of me, does anyone else agree with me?<br>I tell her that she needs to stop saying that and be more assertive in her statements but she tells me that she just feels that she can't stop it so why should she be too concerned. (thats another thing that really #^$%&*#$!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) !!!!!!!!<br>I cant say the words i want to say, I could probalby get banned from this site for saying them.<p>Here i go again, I said i would keep this short but as usual, once i get going i tend to ramble on and on.<br>I'll throw it back out there to you guys.<p>Mark<p><br>