Hi, I just registered and I want to tell you my story.. My H and I have been married for 5 1/2 years with no kids. In December he told me he wanted to separate and said he started to be attracted to other women. He is a musician and travel alot in the States although we are from Canada. Anyway he met this 24 yr old girl(my H is 38 and I'm 32) last Summer and at the time she was married and totally unhappy and they started to talk about their relationships with their spouses(meaning me and her H). In September she visited here and stayed for a week, and I was totally unhappy because I sensed that my H was interested in her and I felt they were ignoring me. <BR>When my H told me about separation I asked about her and he said he really liked her. After that we had really rough time because he told me he still loved me but he couldn't stop contacting her. My H was very resentful towards me and that didn't help at all. Then in Feb I got a full time job then he started to discuss about moving out(he waited till I could make enough money to live without his help). Then I found out that my H and his lover slept together in Nov, when I was visiting L.A. I thought they were interested in each other but didn't think they were sleeping together(yet). Then I checked all of the bills and found actually he was visiting her quite alot. I became totally depressed and thought about comitting suicide. I really didn't know what to do because I didn't think I would ever find a way to get out of this depression, the person I trusted the most betrayed me and he says he still loves me but he can't stop seeing her. I was very angry and resentful and I said alot of mean things to him. When I found out hi PA he was on the road and we talked alot on the phone. I wanted to work things out and I suggested that and he said he didn't want to because he has his own issue and before trying to work things out with me he needs to figure out about himself and find out what he really wants. He said he knew he hurt me but he wanted me to understand he was hurt too, since betraying someone he loves is against his rule. but he really couldn't stop what he was doing. He was in the States for a month and he told me he wrote his lover that he needed a break from her(not break up) it was a tempolary thing but I was happy about it. Then he came back and I was constantly checking on him if he contacted her and he said no. Then one day I was doing a laundry and found a bus ticket to her town in the pocket of his shirt. I felt like I was pushed from the mountain. My H often said he was totally in love with me but he needed some affection, also nice words from me and his lover filled his needs which he thought I couldn't give him. One time I asked if I was the way he wanted how he would be and he said maybe the reason he's with his lover is because he's scared to be too close to me (in other word he's using her to stay away from me).. but because he was kind of seeing both of us at the same time so he couldn't figure out.. when he told her he needed a break I thought he would straight things out but now I realized he couldn't stop seeing her for whatever the reason is and I thought if we contact each other after him moving out everytime I see him I will think about his lover and maybe sometimes I will ask him and either he lies to me or tells me the truth and both hurts and I was already in the bottmless pit and I will keep falling and I get more depressed and it will be the matter of time to kill myself. So I said, that maybe we were the ones who needed a break. I also said I wouldn't call this a break up because I still have a hope for us. For now we needed to separate(not cantacting each other) because he needs to be with only one woman so he can find out how he feels about this person, and I really needed an answer even if it's not favor to me. When I said that I couldn't stop crying and he cried too and we hugged for a while.. then he went back to his new apartment, I still cry when I think about him waving at me his hand from the backseat of a taxi.. Since then I haven't seen him but by making this "separation" decision I now can think whatever he does it's ok, he's not doing anything to hurt me, and I feel a bit relieved. In a way this is a plan B (without plan A), I have no idea what's going to happen but I read alot of books to stay being positive, also seeing a therapist so I calmed down alot. Last week I talked to him and he said he feels he loves me more than ever(then why doesn't he come back?), and he was totally in bad shape. Anway I asked him not to tell me he loves me unless he wants to be with me, and we won't be contacting for a while, and at the end of the conversation he told me he loved me. I knew that would be the last time he would tell me that and I was very sad... <BR>When I found out about his affair I felt really bad about myself, I'm not beautiful and I'm an awful person, etc. Now I want to feel good about myself so I do all kinda stuff for myself and I think it's good. I read some posts here and they made me cry because I could understand their feelings well.. I hope you all in pain won't have more pains anymore and find solutions one day. I really hope that. I sometimes think IF he decides not to be with me after all, I don't think I will be his friend. Like many said he wants to feel good about himself by contacting me, also he wants to get something from me which he can't get from his lover and he has been doing that when we lived together and I don't want to go through this again. Thank you for reading and sorry, English is not my language so you see many mistakes.. Please let me know what you think/suggest, also if you have/had the similar situation what happened to you.<BR>thanks again, MF<p>[This message has been edited by MF (edited May 28, 2000).]

MF,<P>MF huh? not sure...but won't ask.<P>I am so sorry for your pain....it hurts and I have been there and at times still am.<P>It sounds like H is very confused and maybe this plan B will work for you.<P>Please don't ever think about suicide again....not a good choice. You seem to have yourself together though. Sounds like you are liking who you are now becoming....or was that who you were at one time?<P>He will miss you.....and from the sounds of things, he still loves you but probably has a lot of guilt.<P>Isn't it strange how we want to know the truth.....but boy it hurts just as bad as the lies.<P>I don't have any advice.....I will be divorced in a couple months, so as you can guess I would not be capable of giving any good advice.<P>Listen to your heart.....it will guide you<P>Nancy

Sorry to hear you are in such pain. I hope it gets easier for you soon.<P>I was there not too long ago and your story hits close to home for me.<P>Keep thinking the best about yourself. He was weak. He made the mistake. Don't turn around on yourself.<P>Take care!

Thanks both of you... I guess I needed kind words from someone who understands my pain(but I'm very emotional and as soon as someone says nice things to me I cry). I feel alot better compare to 2 months ago. I know it still is a long way to go, and I really don't know what's going to happen between me and my H, hopefully I'm strong enouth to face at things which will come.. Right now I try hard not to think about this because I won't get any answers...(but I'm not doing a good job!) <BR>MF

This will be very hard for you for a while.. I am glad you are in counseling as that is one of the best things that you can do for yourself. At least you guys didn't have any kids to get dragged into this. You will recover with time.. maybe he will be back, maybe he won't. Try not to dwell on that possibility. Improve yourself. You never asked for this type of pain, but from pain in our lives we usually grow in ways that we couldn't evan imagine. Good luck.. post here anytime you need support!<P>You said english is not your language.. but you wrote just fine.. are you French canadian? My mother is from Chicoutimi

Thanks for the reply..<BR>Do you have any idea how long I have to feel like this?? I mean I have a little bit of peace right now but sometimes(all the time?) I get very depressed and it's very hard. My H told me about separation in Dec., I found out his affair in Feb., he moved out at the end of April. I know it is really a good idea that we don't contact each other for now, I needed to detach from him emotionally(otherwise I will think about him and his lover and get more depressed!). Before that he really thought we could be good friends(because he didn't think I loved him anymore), so he really didn't think I would be hurt this much when I found out about his affair(maybe while he goes out with this 24 yr old he still thought we could stay as friends and we could go out for coffee or something.. and if that was the case it had been really great for him) BIG MISTAKE! I think he misses me as a friend for sure, but I guess it's still an early stage to see how it goes. For me even if the answer I get from him after he figure out what he wants(he once told me that I have the right to know if he loves her--and at this time he doesn't love her yet) is not a great answer for me I still want to get it asap because then I can put this thing to the end. Right now I'm in "pause" can't rewind or fast forward. So I really should focus on something else.. <BR>The sad thing is, I don't think I will look for new relationships.. I have a few good (girl)friends and I will be happy to just have them in my life.. but after being with my H for a while I guess this year would be the hardest one to be alone on Thanks giving or Christmas or other special occasions.<BR>No, I'm not French Canadian, my H is.<P>Meanwhile I will read "power of positive thinking" by Norman Vincent Pearl.<P>MF

I think your emotions are going to go up and down for quite some time. I have been told it is a slippery slope. The slope begins with denial, then anger, then bargaining, then depression, then acceptance. I think I hit all the stages. But, sometimes they are not in this order and usually you will slip back and forth but each time you tend to get back to acceptance a little bit faster. <P>Right now, I go back and forth between acceptance and anger (with some depression in between). It just depends on whether I hear about the OW or not. Supposedly, it is now over with the OW but I don't know for sure. I know there will be others and I do not know how I will react to those. I hope I do not get as upset and angry with the others as I did with the one he got involved with while we were still married.<P>As to being his friend, you may want to check out the current post on this subject. <P>I hope you feel better soon. I know how much it hurts. Cry all you want. It helps get the pain out.<P>Jennifer

I think I went through all of the stages too. Right now depression and anger come back and forth. My H and I haven't been in touch now, but I remember him saying that, he wanted me to wait for him but he couldn't ask me to wait(because he's not sure if he would ever come back to me). He also said that he wanted me to have relationships with someone(he thinks some experiences will be good for me). Ok the thing is, I will never ever do anthing with anyone while I'm married(even if my H thinks it's ok--but he said he would be sad). So now I'm angry, that he actually suggest me see someone but he doesn't bring up divorce.. Should I bring up?(I'm mad right now so please forgive me for some words not making sense). Also I never did Plan A, because I didn't know about it. Now I kinda feel I'm doing Plan B(we are not talking) and I know it's not good. Do you think I should start contacting him again and start from plan A?? But it will be very hard for me to do that now.. I went through rough time that's why that made me decide not to contact him. Going back to where I was.... I'm totally lost please someone give me advice.....

MF,<BR> Whew,I'm all out of breath from reading your long post.The reason your H wants you to date other men,is so he won't feel so guilty for cheating on you.My stbx pulled the same thing on me.Like you,I also told her I wouldn't date anyone while I was still married.<BR> You need to go over to the"Just Found Out"forum and read NSR's post to new people.He has some good information,and can guide you to the help topics,and notable posts which may help you.Read as much as you can to help you decide what you want to do.You also have to ask yourself if you could have a relationship with him again.Could you trust him again?<BR> Suicide crosses the mind of a lot of people(myself included) that go through this horrible experience,but it's not the answer.What you really want to do is kill the pain,not yourself.You will find a strength in you that you didn't know was there,that will get you through this.<BR> For your information,I couldn't stay in plan A for very long.I don't handle verbal abuse very well,and the W was dishing it out pretty thick.Plan B helped me to back out of the whole situation.<BR> I know the pain you're feeling,and it's no fun.But it will ease up with time,and you will get stronger.If you do end up getting a divorce,you are still very young,and have a long life ahead of you.You deserve to have someone who'll love you.Take care of yourself. --Murph

MF,<P>Don't be swayed by what your H says about he didn't know you loved him and never though he would be missed when he was gone. My x and her om said the same thing. Its all part of the justification the betrayers use to give themselves a clear concious(sp?).<P>711 explained it very well about going through the differnet emotions how easy it is to slip back into ones you thought you'd conquered. You just have to be careful that you don't stay in any particular emotion.<P>Depression and anger seem to be the big ones here. Don't be afraid to try anti-depression meds, most everyone here has been or is on them. As for the anger, vent here, it doesn't do any good with the spouse.<P><BR>Hang in there, unfortunately, it does take time to get through this mess.<P>God Bless,<P>Bob

"Whew,I'm all out of breath from reading your long post."<P>LOL.. I know, I was never good at writing letters in short sentences(when I talk, before I get into the topic I really want to say I try to explain about it and at the end I forget what I was gonna say at first..)<P>Anyway I read many topics and some said that it could take about 2 years to end this thing after the discovery of affairs. so mine can end maybe around March 2002!!(and this is a long distance relationship so it could take more..) I'm not sure if I'm doing the right thing but I don't think I will go back to Plan A.. It hurts too much.<P>Maybe in a month or so I have to see my H re: legal matter(nothing to do with our situation), when that happens how should I act?? Loving? or businesslike? I will ask him about divorce, because he said he didn't want to save this marriage, if we are going to be together, that relationship should be new one, not the fixed old one, so I'm pretty sure he doesn't have any feelings about divorcing. If that's the case, I really want to know from him, and also I want to let him know that I don't want to divorce.<P>I still want him back(after divorcing or not) and I believe I can forgive him.<P>But March 2002 seems soooooooooo far away...<P>BTW I have more annoying things my H said to me.. I should post somewhere else.<P>Thanks Murphy and RWD,<BR>MF

Welcome <B>MF</B>...<P>Murphy makes reference to my welcome... I wish to share it with you too... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P><B>About your post</B>...<P>There are some of us here who are divorcing/divorced and deep on Plan A-ing...<BR>...a hard thing to do.<P>If you don't have it yet... do get and read <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"(SAA)</A>.<P>I have a lot of good links on lots of other topics... Plan A... Plan B... depression... anti-dep medication... Book lists... in <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000013.html" TARGET=_blank>Notable Posts/Threads</A>.<P>I hope this all helps.<P> <P>Jim

Jim, thanks for the links. I checked alot of them and now I'm confused again... I kinda think it's better to do Plan A instead of not contacting him, but how??? Do you think it's really necessary? I really didn't do Plan A(I wish I knew about this before), now we are not talking, but the very next day I told my H that we shouldn't been talking (no e-mailing either) he called and we talked for a while. Then a couple of times he e-mailed me and he said he missed me.. At the end I asked him to call me to straight things out and I said why we shouldn't been talking, and he seemed to understand. That was May 14 or 15 and we haven't talked since. I feel really lost about Plan A thing. I know what it is, but I'm not sure I should do that now after telling him not to contact me.. <BR>Please give me some suggestions.......<P>MF

Ok... It's time to spew out again... I really want to say all of this but it will be really bad so I just post here...(sorry if you happened to read this)<P>I'm so upset, you said you care about me but you don't care even if I lose a place to live. You wrote you could be here Monday around supper time but it's too late the hearing starts at 2:00!! What do you mean there's no bus before that? Today is THURSDAY, the hearing is on MONDAY, between now till monday there's no bus to come here??? You b$%?&#, if you don't care just say so, then I won't expect anything from you, instead you tell me you love me and you care for me, now I know it's totally b*&??s#&*. "My memory is getting old..."??? Yeah you don't even remember where I live right? BTW who am I?? I bet you don't remember! You said you would call me saturday.. FOR WHAT???? To make me feel worse or make you feel good showing how much you care? Just stay where you are with your b*&?% forever and don't ever come back!

Hi Sweetie, This is about Plan A<P>If you have no contact with your H, As I understand it, Plan A is to TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. To do nice things for yourself. Exercise, drinking lots of water, praying (there's research on the effects of prayer on physical well-being due to change in brain waves, and on the relative health between religious people and not religious people - churchgoers and pray-ers are generally in better shape healthwise). <P>It may not be possible for you to plan A directly on your H. Sorry he's being such a baby. <P>And I hope you're feeling better, the suicide thoughts are probably playing in your head because you don't think you can bear the pain, not because you truly want to be dead. You can bear the pain, you can get through it. Get medication if you need to. The rosary helped me. it's a natural tranquilizer. I carried it with me in my coat pocket while I walked the dog. (Only if you're Catholic.) If you're another faith, turn to it now.<P>Be well.<BR><p>[This message has been edited by Bellevue (edited June 19, 2000).]

Bellevue,<BR>I really appreciate your post. I wrote the other message out of my anger.. I really had to get them out. But I also LBed at my H big time.. <BR>Right now I'm in Plan A, at the end he came for the court hearing and to celebrate(?) our anniversary. I decided not to LB, even no mention about OW. We had lots of fun and talked about alot of stuff, it went well. We talked about divorce and we are going to do soon. It's very sad but I know he can't see cleary when he's married. I'm taking a chance for this but I will try for my happiness.<BR>My H's aunt had a rosary and right now I'm looking for it(can't find!!), I printed out some prayers from people here and I carry it with me.<BR>Thanks again... <BR>MF