Well, I found out today that my X is no longer together with the OW. He said he put an end to it. I'm not sure of the details, but do believe it is over. <P>He hasn't asked to come back and I don't think he will and I don't want him back at this point. I think he told me because he knew that it was something I would want to know. As I have said before, he doesn't like being the "bad guy" even though he has been a bad guy. <P>I just posted the other day my wish that this relationship would not workout. And today, it appears that my wish has come true. I just hope it is truly over. Even though we are now divorced, I did not want for that woman to be in his life. I hope she is out for good.<P><BR>

Chalk up another stat for the books,<BR>the OW/M is really a fanatasy!<P>But can you answer this question, what EN did OW/M provide that was missing?<P>or what piece of XH/W was OW/M providing that WS did not already have, in other words, was there something XH/W thought was needed to complete himself?<P>thl<P>thl<P><BR>

I think I know the answer to your question.<P>I believe the XH needed the OW to meet his physical needs. He knew I wasn't physically attracted to him anymore because we had been discussing this in counseling for 2 years before this happened. My emotional needs were not being met and his physical needs were not being me. Unfortunately, I thought he should take the first step and listen and talk to me and be romantic, etc. and that would lead me to want to meet his physical needs. He wanted me to meet his physical needs without having to meet my emotional needs. He thought I should just want sex for sex. I told him it was different for men and women. Women need to feel loved to feel sexual. Or at least I do. He never could understand that. He thought I was just cold and frigid. Looking back at all this, I wish I had just given in and met his physical needs, because if his needs were met, he probably would have automatically met my needs. He was always so nice to me after sex. He was so happy and felt so loved. Unfortunately, I just didn't enjoy it with him. He is a very attractive man. He is told he looks like Mel Gibson all the time. But as we all know, looks aren't everything. He never made me feel special and loved. He would give me material things but never his time. He always had time to play tennis or talk to his friends on the phone but never had time to talk with me, go on a walk, give advice on what I should wear or how I looked. Im not trying to be boastful, but I am an attractive women. But, he stopped telling me I looked nice a long time ago. Ironically, now, he tells me how good I look all the time. <BR>When my X said he wanted a separation to see if time away would bring back his feelings for me, I knew he had found someone else. Even knowing that, I told him I still wanted to try to save the marriage. I told him I would change. I would try to meet his needs, I would respect his decisions, I would help out more on the bills, chores, I would lose weight, etc, etc, etc.. I did a lot of bargaining but he did not want any part of that. He said he was angry that it took his wanting to leave and finding someone else for me to decide to change. When we were in counseling he never once said he wanted out and always said everything was fine, he would like to have a better sex life but it was ok, etc. etc. So, when he asked for the separation, I was shocked and upset because I didn't see it coming. I should have seen this by his behavior but I just listened to his words. Looking back I feel so stupid for not seeing this, but I just never thought he was capable of having an affair. I know now that he was miserable and vulnerable to a young women's attentions and when that became available, it gave him the strength he needed to get out. In a way, I am thankful it happened. I now have the ability to start over and not have to deal with him anymore, except for the kids sakes. I know some of you may think that is selfish. I don't know. But, our divorce was final on May 10th and I'm glad. <P>Live and learn. I hope if I am lucky enough to find someone else that I will have learned how important it is to meet his needs and will definitely look to this site for guidance, etc.<BR>

711,<P>Hey are you me!!! We have the same exH. My h has broken it off many times with the OW. I wouldn't count on it being the last. But you may be luckier than me. <P>It is so strange to read you story, because it reads like a casebook study of my breakup and divorce. My h and I were playing what our counselor called the "mexican standoff". I wouldnt meet his sexual needs and he wouldn't meet my emotional needs. I too wish I would have broken down and just given in. My h was "happier" when we were sexually active. The funny thing is that when I wasn't having sex with him, it was hurting me too, cause I like it too. I was being extremely stubborn. Anyway you always get it after it is too late. My h didn't want anything to do with me after he found someone else to meet those needs.<P>I too have moved on and actually am quite happy with a new man in my life. He does give me alot of the support I never got with my h and we have a great sex life too. So it can happen with someone else and you can avoid making the mistakes you made in the previous relationship. I am much more protective of this relationship and am quick to show my affection and admiration and find that he is too. I tried to make my marriage work. But it has been two years and he is still with the OW. I am much more content and happy. So it must be what I needed. Take care<P>GP

Yeah for you.. at least now if he moves on to someone else it won't have all the history of pain attached to it that would have lead to bitterness with respect to the kids contact with her. It sounds like you are taking a little too much blame though from your last posting. You guys could have met each other half way after all! Yes, he should have shown you more attention and yes, maybe you could have had quickies here and there to satisfy his sexual urges.. so what? The bottom line here is that at some point instead of sitting you down and saying look... I am sooo unhappy and unsatisfied that I am afraid I will have an affair (news that would have shocked you into counseling I am sure), he just choose to have an affair. From what you said, you too were unhappy, you didn't deal with that unhappiness by turning your attention outside of the marriage. Nothing can justify an affair. Sure it takes two to make or break a marriage.. yes, it sounds like there were some issues on your side that you needed to work on and get off your butt about.. but that does not make it ok for him to enter into the affair! I am curious what is happening with your kids.. what kind of custody arrangements you worked out.. was there fighting over it. My H is taking the position that he wants to see the kids everyday and/or to have joint physical custody. Our kids are less than 5 and I have been their sole caretaker (He hasn't done much with them in terms of care all of their lives and now he wants to play at the devoted Dad). I do not object ot him having a lot of time with the kids.. but I want their to be a schedule and I do not agree with disrupting their little lives and sleep habits for the convenience of a Dad.. who is a show Dad. What I mean by that is if you watch his actions not his words, he hasn't done a lot with the kids to date.. I am the one who had to cut back on work to accomodate their needs. Whenever I did have a work conflict he would through a fit about having to stay home or get his Mom to take a day off of work. Once he followed me in the car with the kids to a meeting so that the instant it was done, he could hand them off to me. He never hesitated to work late in the week or on weekends because I was always there to take care of the kids. I am their stability.. he loves them.. but at his convenience and on his terms! I am venting on your time... sorry...<P>I too have reached a point that I do not want him back.. This makes me sad because of the fact that we have kids. I think kids are the ones that get hurt the worst in a divorce. They just want Mom and Dad to be together. I was willing to do a lot and swallow a lot of pride to stay with my H.. but all he can see is that staying with me means that he is giving up on his one chance of true happiness.. (What a crock!) Do they ever realize that they need to sacrifice for the sake of family? That they acted in an unfair manner in having the affair.. do they ever get it???

711 - Well - I am not surprised!! I hope that this gives you some measure of peace of mind. I'm sure that this is a great relief, that you will not have to deal with her in any way again.<P>Please do not be so hard on yourself. Like someone else said, your H did not have to use an affair to solve his problems. You were not having your needs met, but you did not do what he did.<P>In my case, my H was the sexual withholder. I began to feel totally uncared for and unloved. It wasn't just sex he withheld, but also affection, respect for my feelings, consideration, and kindness. All because I would not "give" him a child when he was the one who was sterile, and who got us so far into debt that we could not afford to adopt or pursue artificial means. Besides that, I could not, in good conscience have a child with a man who did not treat me as if he loved me, nor wanted a child because of his love for me, but for his own ego gratification. He is pathetic. Our husbands only thought of themselves, with no thought to what we needed or how we felt. Surely, this is as bad as having an affair. Not participating in your marriage, while denying that anything is wrong, and then just walking out to be with someone else is the ultimate in cruelty.<P>My prayers are with you for your continued happiness and your peace of mind. We deserved better than what we received from our (ex) H's!!!!

Thanks to everyone who responded.<P>Limerick - It is amazing to see how similar we are to others as we post. I too feel like I am reading about myself as I read others stories. It is good to know that we are not alone in our problems and issues. I am so glad that you have found someone else. That is encouraging. I am hopeful that I will find someone else too. I do know that there is no "perfect" man out there, but I think that there are good men out there and relationships can work, if both people are willing to work hard and stay committed to each other. The Student said it best in another post. <P>Nikki:<P>I am relieved that his relationship with the other woman is over or is at least over for now. I kep worrying that thier relationship would be one of the few that makes it and I didn't want to have to deal with that and all the bitterness, etc. I know I am hard on myself sometimes, but I want everyone to know that I don't think that the end of my marriage was all his fault because he had an affair. I agree that an affair is wrong. It is a weakness of the offender. Nobody deserves it. But, I do understand why it happens. Although, I hate hearing from some people the famous line "We are only human". You hit the nail on the head when you said:<P>"The bottom line here is that at some point instead of sitting you down and saying look... I am sooo unhappy and unsatisfied that I am afraid I will have an affair (news that would have shocked you into counseling I am sure), he just choose to have an affair."<P>That is what made me so angry about this whole thing. I was going to counseling and spilling my guts with the hope that we might be able to salvage this marriage. He just sat there and said nothing was wrong. If he had only opened up, I might have been able to see where he was headed and we could have worked on his issues. Then to say he is angry with me after if happens because it took his leaving and an affair for me to want to change. How unfair! I gave him plenty of opportunities in the last 2 years to say anything he wanted. But instead, he is too weak to step up to the plate and say how he really feels. Instead, he just has an affair and now it is over. <P>As to the kids, right now he is very active in their lives. He still comes over every morning to get them ready for school so I can get into work on time. I commute and have to be at work at 7:00. He will continue to do this until summertime. Then, my hours will change and I will take over the morning routine. He will then only have the kids on Tues, Thurs, and every other weekend. He has not missed a day yet and I am hopeful he will continue this. He has always been dedicated to the children. However, after reading many posts here, I am preparing myself for the possibility that might change depending on what the next women is like. Please pray that he will not turn away from the kids. They love him so much and would be so devastated and I don't think I could forgive him for that if that happened. I do think that staying together only for the kids in a household where they see no affection or love between their parents is not good. I was hoping to change my marriage so they could see parents who worked things out. Unfortunately, my X couldn't do that. So, I hope that I can show them that parents can still love them and they can still have a good life even if their parents are not together. I also hope that one day I will remarry and have a relationship that we all strive for and want our children to see as a model. That's why I am on this site now, to learn as much as I can.<P>Lady M;<P>Thanks for your prayers. I did deserve better. Although I know I did things wrong in our marriage, I sincerely was trying to figure out how we could fix things and he just takes the easy way out and runs off with someone else.<P>My prayers are with all of you as well <P>Good luck everyone. <P>

711,<BR>Wow, like Limerick, I can also say that was the cause of my H's betrayal. Although, I have gone over and over the immediate cause (for the EMR), there were many underlying factors as well. The sad part is that we never did get joint counseling. I went but he would never admit that he might need it. <P>Then your reply to Lady K completely blew me away. That's my situation to a "T".<P>I'm glad that you are feeling stronger too! It is a good (yet empty) feeling when the original OW is gone, I know. <p>[This message has been edited by AStrongerMe (edited May 24, 2000).]

OOOOPPPS sorry. :/<p>[This message has been edited by AStrongerMe (edited May 24, 2000).]

A Stonger Me:<P>It seems like my story is hitting home with a lot of people. <P>It is too bad that you could not get your H to go to counseling, however, my counselor did not help us very much as a couple. Of course, it is hard to help when only one person is really participating. So, it may or may not have made a difference.<P>I wish I had found this site earlier. I think this site has such good advice. It even talks about how counselors many times miss the boat in saving marriages. If I had followed the advice here maybe I could have saved my marriage.