Spoke with x last nite, civily . She had taken our daughter to counseling as she was concerned as well as I about some of d's behavior. She has been a brat and what bothered me most was that she has said twice that her life has been ruined. X also said d was hiding her anger of her(x).<P>She called to tell me what the counselor said. She immediately started soft selling things saying that she probably over reacted since daughter's grades were good and she was socializing with her friends, and that she was experiencing normal teenage emotions. When I aske her about the "my life is ruined" comments, x said that is normal for teenagers.<P>Then X started saying part of d's problems were that some of her friend's parents were being so judgemental in not allowing their daughter's to come over to x's house. She wondered why everyone in this town was so judgemental. <P>I started to explain, but realized it was useless so I said nothing. X said I was entitled to my opinions, but no one else was as they didn't know the whole story about our relationship/divorce.<P>I guess she doesn't realize the only part people see is her living with someone who may or may not be married and in fact they were both married to others and still living together.<P>She started using all kinds of examples, a friend of my d whose parents are divorced and both are remarried and the daughter and her friends split time there. I guess my d doesn't like bringing friends to x'x house so that was the point. D correctly pointed out that both people were remarried.<P>X also brought up the fact that woman that wouldn't let d come over had a child out of wedlock. X also mentioned someone out of the blue that she had lived with second husband before they got married. I'm nnot sure why that came up.<P>Basically x is still looking for justification. I was such a terrible h that what ever she had to do was worth it. She said she doesn't want d to defend her. I didn't ask her why she put d in that position or why she thought she needed defending.<P>I am curious why x had the change of heart about the counseling all of a sudden. SHe was after me for 2-3 weeks to get d in. Now she doesn't think she needs it. Someone at work must have told her d doesn't need it.<P>I will have to call counselor myself to she what she thought, as I basically don't trust my x anymore. She has destroyed all my trust in her.

Bob,<P>Its possible the counselor or your daughter told your ex something she didn't want to hear, or refuses to believe.<P>The simple fact is, affairs destroy families and EVERYONE's life. Whatever type of husband you were, is irrelevant here, the fact is, the divorce/break up is hurting your daughter. <P>Your daughter must miss her old life. Her stable life. Her family together. Her mother took that from her. She is old enough to make that judgement on her own.<P>Yes, your ex needs justification. Having a child out of wedlock (I'll admit, I did that twice) is not the worst thing in the world. Matter of fact, it doesn't actually "hurt" anyone, its almost as common as divorce because no one these days wants to get married "simply because" there will be a child on the way. Accidents can happen, but we make the best of them.<P>I don't feel the affair is an accident, and even if it were, the betrayer in most cases on this site did have the opportunity while we were plan a'ing our a$$es off, to make things right. To try and fix what they destroyed. <P>Sure the people in town don't know the aspect of your relationship/marriage. But they know right from wrong, and your wife, knows she is wrong. <P>Most counselors, will NOT lie to children in anyway. They deal in the truth. Somehow, at this session someone said something your ex didn't like. <P>My ex was determined to put our kids in counseling. So was I , but he was the one who pushed it in the beginning. Our counselor sat us all down, then me and my H seperate without the kids and when she was done with him, he couldn't deal with the truth. He never went back and claims he doesn't think we have a good counselor.<P>IMHO, keep your daughter going. It won't hurt and if anything, she'll start to heal better. I did not grow up in the midst of divorce, so I don't know how she feels (or my daughters), but I can see how hard it is on the kids.<P>Be strong. Keep on being a great dad and I truly believe, your wife just doesn't want to face the facts here.<P>Prayers, Dana<BR>

I'm sure your wife heard things when she took your daughter to counseling that she didn't want to hear and she wanted to pass it on to you with a softened touch, hoping you wouldn't call yourself. Continue to take your daughter until YOU feel it isn't needed anymore. With all of the love and stability that you are offering to your children they will eventually heal but it takes time. Your wife is trying to stuff too much down their throats at one time and she needs to slow down. Instead of your kids asking to bring friends to their mom's and then being rejected it should just not be encouraged right now. Have her friends over at your home and tell your wife that when she has the kids she needs to be one-on-one with them and focus on them instead of them having friends there too. A wise person once told me that when the kids are young they look up to you and believe in everything you do, when they get older they judge you.

Bob, <BR>Boniie is right, Iam sure the counselor told your X things she didn't want to hear. I tis just sad that she cannot see how it is affecting your daughter. Just continue to love your D, and continue with the counseling as long as you feel she needs it. If it bothers your X, tough. <P>------------------<BR>Susan

Thanks ladies,<P>I think that is what happened too. I think she was feeling guilty about something and then all of sudden she wasn't. I did notice a new necklace so maybe om bought her something to make her feel better.<P>I'm kinda suprised she is still looking for justification at this late date. I guess the guilt is still around.<P>She doesn't spend much one on one time with the kids. WHen the are with her, she usually takes them shopping, and even om has been going with them the last few months. It probably keeps them from asking the hard questions.<P>My d usually spends 1 nite at afriends house of the two she is there, so there's no time alone there at all. Last weekend, my son was with me till 3 on Sat and then he told me he spent time at friends at two differnt friends houses over the weekend so he didn't spend much time either.