Just wanted some advice. Ive been reading through the latest threads today trying to find a similar situation (its sad how they all are similar in ways) but nothing is really helping so here goes. I need to rant.<P>H races on the weekends and I used to be his "sidekick". In Sept I had our first child, in Nov he moved out to pursue his EA which resulted in a pregnancy. OW is due in Oct. I am divorcing H (filed before I knew about PA) and am trying for legal custody. H has asked me to bring our son to the races on the days OW is not there (NOT!!!!) I said no thanks. H still thinks we should not D while he is involved with OW because he doesnt want our marrige to end yet (???). H asked if our son can be at the races with him this weekend but I do not want OW around him until D is final ...I hate how she treats her own child (6yrs old, different dad, never married, OW's 21 - H is 35). H did offer for his mom to watch our son at the racetrack (all my inlaws think H is screwed up right now and do not like OW and arent yet claiming OC) Anyway, I don't want to be a control freak with my child. I do want to protect him from OW . After the Divorce, I won't have a voice in what H does with our child when he's with H. I am a Christian, H claims it when convienient but even the pastor who married us told me he thinks H "got saved" when I did so I would marry him. I want our child to know Jesus, right from wrong, etc...but H will probably live with OW and have our son involved in his lifestyle. H took OW to Florida with 3 other couples a week ago which cemented my desire to proceed with the divorce. My love for H is almost dead but he knows how to disturb my peace by calling at the last minute to ask for our son, by asking me to change our plans for him. Whew. My real question...how easy is it to allow OW into your childs life. Do I do what I think is best for my child this weekend or give into his dad for daddys ego Our son is only 8 months old and I dont think the racetrack is the place for a baby (unless his mommy is also there and the OW is out of the picture ). Help??<P>up until this morning when I said no to the races, i have been plan A ing very well (he said i said no to punish him)<P>Thanks<BR>Kris

Kris,<P>I loved watching racing events...<BR>...but is this the place for an 8-month old?<BR>...I think probably not!<P>How much time can H really spend with his dad if he is racing... or for that matter in the pit crew... or track hand...<P>If you take the child...<BR>...I see nothing wrong with it...<BR>...and of course the OW should not be in the picture!<P>Your Plan A-ing him... but pushing forward with the divorce...<BR>...Couldn't/shouldn't you be Plan B-ing him instead?<B>(you say "My love for H is almost dead...")</B><BR>...Aren't you considering holding back on the divorce while Plan A-ing?<P>As far as H thinking you are punishing him... by keeping child away from race track... just be honest with him about your rationale... and if he doesn't buy into it... there is nothing you can do.<P> <P>Jim<p>[This message has been edited by NSR (edited May 26, 2000).]

To me, 8 mo seems awful young to be at a car race.. The time with his father is supposed to be time with his f, not ow or in-laws. <P>It sounds to me like he thinks, that as long as the child is in his vincinity then he is "caring" for him.<P>I would feel uncomfortable like you do. Tell him he can visit with his son after racing is done. i guess it would be differnt if your h was just going to watch, but as an active participant, I just see how he would have the time. Ask him if he'll take a pit stop if the baby needs changed?<P>Bob

Jim, <BR>Thanks for your reply. I really appreciate your wisdom and advice. I enjoy reading your responses to others too.<P>The papers I want my H to sign are for a legal separation. I am willing to hang in there for a few more months (90 days in missouri after the judge approves it) before we turn it into a divorce. I feel like I need legal protection esp since the OC will be born in Oct or sooner. My H still wants to see me as long as its at our house, not taking me anywhere or out with his friends. After he lied about taking OW to Florida, I realized I am not big enough to continue taking his lies and cheating and the hurt and pain that his affair has caused and told him I dont want to see him on a personal level until his affair is over. My feelings are dying so fast that if he never called again, I would not care. I was planning on a strict plan B but realized he would be so resentful and unreasonable with visitation that he would not let me avoid contact with him. I asked him to set up a schedule with me for our child so I dont have to talk to him about anything on a personal level but he blew that off and calls just to talk. I dont want that anymore. It messes me up. Since we dont agree on childrearing, that causes problems and since he's a conflict avoider (with a hidden anger problem) and my problem has been verbal anger...anyway...you get the picture. God is showing me how to get my anger under His control. My H knows how to say the words to get at me and I am learning not to respond in kind and am getting sucessful but this racing thing is an indication that H sees me as not compromising and that is a major LB to him. Thanks for letting me go on. I will try the plan B (though we will have contact over our child) and maybe God will break through to both of us...I will continue to pray. I really appreciate your response.<P>Bob,<BR>You made me laugh. I guess OW or MIL were going to change the diapers. Maybe H would right before each race (he drag races). I also agree that his time with our son should be one-on-one and has been for the most part except when I've been around. H's only had our son maybe 10 times without me around in the last 8 months and a few of those times have been at his work so his track record as a doting father has been sketchy. Its sad that he is following his fathers footsteps in not being there for his son. Maybe with the OC H will be different. Time will tell.<BR>(I see you are a Robert. H and son are both "Robert"-son goes by Robbie. H by Rob)<P>Kris

Kris,<P>I am Robert Jr. and I have an Uncle Bob. I grew up as Robbie and Rob. My mother still calls me Rob and my sister still calls me Robbie. I hate being called either one.<P>BOB<p>[This message has been edited by RWD (edited May 26, 2000).]

BOB,<BR> <P>My son is III, H is Jr. and my FIL goes by Bob. H's family & old friends call him Robbie still, I never did.<BR>ps... <BR>Thanks for making me laugh this morning<P>Kris

.<p>[This message has been edited by WhenIfindthetime (edited May 30, 2000).]