All,
<p>My wofe doesn't seem to want to put forth any effort to resolve our problem. I know from Dr. Harley's books that while in a state of withdrawl they don't want to. But my wife does plenty of other things with energy.
<br>What I'd like to know is there anyone who has gotten things worked out while the other spouse dragged their feet this way?
<br>I know that Doug said phone counseling was successful for him even with minimal participation from his wife. My wife has this attitude that she can't be helped even though many people have been helped in worse cases than ours. Is that just pessimism and tiredness talking? She is not that pesimistic about anything else. I feel that if I can just get her exposed to something it would help. Getting her to participate is the trick.
<br>Doug, if you read this could you let me know something about how you got your wife to participate and what her reactions were? If I don't get a handle or some minimum level of stability on this thing soon I just don't know what will happen. Thanks in advance for anybody's input.

Hi Bruce!
<p>I'm sorry, but I can't tell you how successful phone conseling was for me, 'cause I haven't done it yet. I too, was trying to get a feel for it, yea or nay, from the others here.
<p>I'm also wondering how to bring my wife into that kind of conseling set-up, but I guess if I don't make the call, I'll never find out. (Why do I sound like a commercial?)
<p>I don't know if she'll go for counseling either. The only time I brought it up, she said no. So, whatever I do, it'll probably be just me.
<p>Doug

Doug,
<p>Thanks, Doug. Actually that was K who said he'd used the phone counseling successfully while his wife wasn't involved much.
<br>K...if you're out there let us know how you did this thing, will you?
<p>

Bruce,
<p>The phone counseling has been successful in that it helped me get through a very difficult time and stay focused on the marriage. Steve was also very good on helping me learn the techniques here and apply them to my marriage, albeit in a very one-sided situation. And in my case, I believe that these principles really helped me 'save' my marriage.
<p>My wife is not currently participating in any counseling. She did work with Steve initally, but didn't like it (remember that she was actively involved in an affair and didn't want to quit). It's my belief that we still have plenty of work to do in our marriage, but I will not push my wife into any counseling due to her emotional and physical state (with being pregnant by OM, and having the affair being over for 'only' 4 months). I bring it up only occasionally, and she is willing to consider counseling. And she may even consider Marriage Builders again, although she doesn't have fond memories of what she went through before.
<p>I got her to participate by having her fill out the LBI (love bank inventory) for Steve. She then spent some time on the phone with him. I remember the first session she had with him: afterwards she went to bed (late afternoon) and slept for about 14 hours. She did participate in that she would give Steve 'feedback' on how I was doing, and we had some joint sessions to go over the rules for covering lovebusters and emotional needs.
<p>It sounds to me as if you are going to have to 'go it alone' for a while. Start, and show your wife that you are serious. Then perhaps she'll get involved. But I'd make that appointment and get Steve's advice: he's the professional, and I'm only giving you my 'colored' version of how it worked for me.
<p>Good luck.