Heres my situation. Married for 14 years to a woman I adore in every way possible. We have had our share of problems over the years. She has admitted to numerous affairs through the years. I suspected them at times but was not sure until she told me one day during a heart to heart. She has feelings of not wanting to be married. These feelings come to the surface and we talk about our life together and we have always agreed to stay together. We have three kids ages 13,10 and 4. She tells me she loves me but not in love anymore. She feels that if she could fool around she must not feel about me the way she should. She recently admitted to having feelings toward someone else, I suspect its an old high school boyfriend she came across about 9 months ago. She tells me she wants to seperate and does not give our marriage much hope given the amount of time she has felt the way she does and says if she could have feelings for her old boyfriend she must not be in love with me. Our sex life has dwindled down to maybe once a month and only when she absolutley has to have it. I love her no matter what she has done and want to save our marriage. She says if I gave her an ultimatum of either divorce now nad not seperate she would duvorce. The problem is when we talk about seperating she says she is scared as I am and it may be the wrong thing to do but is at a loss as to do anything else. I have a problem too, we are currently in the process of buying a house and are within 1 month of closing. She wants to seperate after we buy the house but as she has said she does not give our marriage much hope. Me, I cant help feeling terrified that she is making plans that I dont know about. I suspect she has fallen in love with her old boyfiend and he has fallen for her. They email one another and she has had several meetings, most recently a weekend when I was away. I want to save our marriage but am at a loss. I feel no matter what I do its going to be the wrong thing.

Welcome <B>GC</B>...<P>I have a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P><B>About your post</B>...<P>From what you've said... you need to start immediately on <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>... start at the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>Welcome</A>.<P>If you haven't gotten the book yet... get <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"(SAA)</A>.<P>As far as validating the existance of the affair(s)... check out an older posts <BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum1/HTML/007371.html" TARGET=_blank>What lying betrayers have said....</A>…Sweetpea….9/15/1999 and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum28/HTML/000985.html" TARGET=_blank>50 signs your spouse is having an affair (All found on this board)</A>…Triumph2….2/23/2000<P>About the house...<BR>...the marriage is more important to you...<BR>...major purchases bring about huge changes in your life...<BR>...assess whether this will/won't be a "<A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Busters</A>" in your W's eyes...<BR>...maybe consider putting it off.<BR>...you're having a lot on your plate already!<P>----------------------------------------<P>You are not alone!<P> <P>Jim

GC,<P>Welcome to MB...although it's a sad situation to have to be here. Listen to NSR. I think you should consider putting off the purchase of the house. I know there's part of you that thinks it will make it harder to leave if you have a house, but if she's going to leave she will do it whether you buy the house or not. And this might not be the best time to incur that type of long-term debt. My H & I bought a house 2 1/2 years ago. He now says (after he's had an affair and left me & the kids) that he was feeling unhappy in our marriage even then. I wish I had known that. Now we have this huge house with no equity in it and I can't take care of it by myself. But I really have no choice at this point. I just have to let things go for now. I hope you can work out your marriage. What your W is saying is the same thing everyone here who has been betrayed has already heard. It's very typical. You are not alone.<BR><P>------------------<BR>Blessed be.<BR>****************<BR>Keridwen<P>Keridwen_7@yahoo.com

I want to save my marriage, but there are times I wonder if I should even try. My wife has been unfaithful many times, she has confessed to me and we cried our eyes out togehter. The latest in a long stream is her old boyfirend. Yesterday I couldnt take it anymore and I asked her about him and she said that "we are just friends, we were close once and I enjoyed spending time at the beach with him and didnt want to leave."<BR>She blurted out during this conversation that she had "no intentions of getting back together once we seperated." As always our talks help us both and she told me that she still wasnt sure that a seperation is the right thing to do and she goes soft and makes me think we might have a chance. She tells me she needs time alone to see if she wants to stay married. The problem I have is she is not alone, she is seeing and emailing her old boyfriend. Once we move out of the state(we are both military and are tranferring) will her feelings for him fade and during the seperation she can maybe miss me. But even though I want our marriage to work this deal with her old boyfriend is just another in a long line of affairs. I heard once that once a cheater always a cheater. Are there any stats on this? I know she is a good person, not vindictive and she still does not want to hurt me. How do I ask her what her plans are with him, I have no concrete evidence and I dont want to jeorpadize any chance we have by giving her an ultimatum. I never thought this divorce thing would be so hard. Why is it that the person who wants the divorce accpts it more easily then the one that doesnt. Is it because she has somenone else in her life and I dont. Enough rambling for now. Thank You all for your moral support.