Dr. Harley,
<br>I met my husband on the internet. Our main attraction to each other was our love for the Lord. I loved him before I ever met him. The problem is when he came to visit me, I was not AT ALL attracted to him physically. I didn't want to be shallow, so I tried to overlook it. Now, I am married to someone that I have no interest in making out with, let alone sexual relations. This really is the issue, there are no underlying issues. I know this is my fault, I just wanted to not base my marriage on attractiveness. Now, I realize that attractiveness is needed in a marriage. I feel trapped and cry all the time about it. I don't know what to do. I pray all the time that God would make him more attractive to me, but nothing is working. My friends tell me that they still get butterflies in their stomach when they see their mate. I never had butterflies. I had butterflies with past boyfriends. I just feel like I have made the biggest mistake of my life. Please help me! I thought that telling him that I wasn't attracted to him would have broken his heart. I suppose I should have been honest with him. Now I feel like I am miserable.

Natasha,
<p>I think it will be hard for anyone to understand how you married this man if you knew you weren't attracted to him physically. Any man can tell if his wife doesn't care to have sex with or hug and kiss with him. Does he already notice this? What is his reaction?
<br>You say you pray that God will make him more attractive to you but often when we pray that way we have in the back of our minds how we want God to do this. You know, like magic. Rarely is it ever that way.
<br>I have prayed every day, concerning my own marital problems, that God will soften my wife's heart. He may do so but He will probably do so in such a way that will require me to go through some things that aren't comfortable. But when I pray I really want to see my wife walk in the door one day and simply act like a changed woman. God can do that of course. But most of the time He doesn't.
<br>It sounds to me like you might have to get some professional assistance on this one. If your husband doesn't already notice how you withhold yourself he is sure to before long. It will have to come out. I'd be honest with him about it. It may hurt him but if you just avoid giving yourself fully to him without good explanation (and even with good explanation)it is only going to add more and more frustration.
<br>Maybe you should consider the phone counseling the Harley's offer, because they seem to deal very well with this issue of physical attractiveness. No doubt some Chriatians would simply tell you to look on the heart alone and leave you feeling like you have no choice but to be consigned to a life in which appearance does not matter. this would only drive the problem underground and eventually it would appear again in an uglier form.
<br>But, perhaps you could be instrumental in helping your husband look the best he can with what God gave him. You already said you liked him from Internet interactions. You must have continued to like him after you met. If his inward part is attractive then you have more than what a lot of people have. Is it worth throwing away to get a better looking but perhaps immature man? Don't know. Just tossing out ideas.
<br>It does, however, sound like a really tough spot to be in. I sympathize and wish you the best in finding a worakable, godly solution.

Bruce,
<br>Thank you for responding to me!! What good would telling him that I do not find him attractive do? It would just crush him, and there really isn't a whole lot he can do to change his appearance for the better. I know it is hard to believe that I married him anyway. I thought that I could overlook it, but I see now that it is really hard to do. I have only been married for 5 months. I do not EVER want to get divorced. I made a promise before God. I settled for him, because I didn't think I would ever find a Christian who would love me like he does. My problem is that I look at other guys that I find attractive and sometimes lust for them. I KNOW THIS IS EXTREMELY WRONG!! I just feel like this situation is hopeless. Bruce or anyone else please respond!!

Natasha,
<p>If your husband has not already sensed your reluctance to fully give yourself to him it is certain that he will sooner or later. Then you will have to tell him something. If you lie it will only make it worse.
<br>Not being a counselor I will not presume to dig further into your situation. As I suggested you might try setting up an appointment with Steve Harley via phone. If you know of a local resource then use that.
<p>You won't want to hear this but I think you need to. Sometimes you can't avoid crushing someone or being crushed in cases like this. In my own case my wife has crushed me by telling me about the ways I've neglected her over the years. Once I realized this I was in desparation for ways to repair it. I've now had to face the fact that there is no quick fix. This thing will have to be done slowly and right or not at all.
<br>In the meantime I've felt the very intense state of being crushed and feeling desparate without seeing a way out. My problem in neglecting my wife was selfishness on my part. Now I am seeing that the feeling of hopelessness at not finding quick solutions is also selfishness on my part. This whole state of grasping I feel is selfishness, even though it is understandable that I want my situation corrected as soon as possible. Through all this I'm finding out about more than my marriage and how I should treat my wife. I'm finding out things about myself and how I should be thinking and acting regardless of whether or not I can fix my marriage.
<br>You made an error in assessing reality when you married your husband by thinking you could overlook his appearance. Now you're finding out different. Your finding out there is more to reality than the simplistic outlook you had.
<br>There are really only two roads to take. You can allow the hopelessness of the case to so overwhelm you that you do something drastic to continue to put off the inevitable meeting with reality. You can turn to drugs, alcohol or a hundred other ways to make you feel like you're avoiding the problem.
<br>Or you can resign yourself to face it. The thing I am finding out about being crushed is that what is actually being crushed is that selfish you. At first the feeling is so bad that you think the selfish you is the whole you. But if you somehow manage to hold on (and God knows it's tough)you begin to see that this thing has really humbled you. And once a person has been truly humbled he or she can start looking at things from another perspective. Once that happens there is a real chance to rebuild on a realistic foundation. I didn't say it was easy. God knows I'm scared right now about my own case.
<br>But I do feel there is hope at this place I'm at. More hope than if I was still frantically running around trying to find ways to please my wife in hopes of making her feel better about me.
<br>After you, and maybe your husband, go through the discomfort of this you may find grounds for a firmer marriage. And if you're just 5 months into it that would really be a blessing to correct a disillusionment at this early stage instead of suffering through years of torment - as many on this forum will tell you.
<br>Also there is the possiblity that your husband may not be as crushed as you think. Oh I'm sure he would be initially, but people who aren't attractive physically have usually had to come to terms with that in their own minds by the time they are adults since it is certain that they've already been through some heartache because of it. Even if he is intially cruched he may bounce back quicker than you think.
<br>Of course I'm just speculating here. It 's almost cetain there won't be an easy way out of this. But as hard as dealing with it directly will be, that will still be easier than continued avoidance of it. Take care and use this forum for whatever help you can get.