My wife told me today she wants a divorce. the sad thing about it is that we know what the problem is, it me. Well, it me in away that I mean I'm selfish and I don't always think of others before my needs. we've tried to work this out but what happens is this, I'll do a real good job thinking about my wife needs and feelings and then I'll go back to my old ways and then the anger, hurt feelings start over again. and the wife is tried and hurt and she want out because she had enough. I don't know what to do to stay on track.

Homedad,<P>Sometimes I think that we become so comfortable in a relationship that we just let some things "fly" out the window.<P>We forget about everyone elses needs and just go about our business.<P>I do not know what can help you stay focused.....maybe thinking of losing her might help. The more you touch her....talk to her and listen....the easier it is to stay focused.<P>Maybe decide that everyday you are going to hug her and tell her she is beautiful...after a while....no focusing involved. The touching part.....a shoulder massage and a kiss on the neck....just little things....a few times a day will get you back on track and maybe help her feel love instead of pain and hurt.<P>nancy

homedad,<P>Take some time to learn the MB concepts...<P><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3900_rules.html" TARGET=_blank>The Four Rules for a Successful Marriage</A>...and...<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3500_policy.html" TARGET=_blank>The Policy of Joint Agreement(POJA)</A>.<P> <P>Jim

Homedad,<P>I respect your honesty and self-reflection. Have you guys ever tried counseling? Dr. Harley counsels over the phone. It's less expensive and many people have found it very effective. <P>A really good book to read is "Divorce Busting" by Michelle Weiner-Davis. It has some good ideas and quick solutions. It's called Solution Based Therapy. Try it.<P>Best of luck to you.<BR><P>------------------<BR>Blessed be.<BR>****************<BR>Keridwen<P>Keridwen_7@yahoo.com

You openly admitted that you know what the problem is and you said that you get good for awhile and then go back to your old self. Why? If you know what your doing wrong and your able to change (at least for a short while), why are you repeating the wrong things? Deep down you also know that this behavior is destroying your marriage. I think you need to figure out why your sabotaging your marriage either intentionally or not. I think you have a great chance of fixing your marriage problems because you know what the core of them are. She isn't asking you to change something you can't, because you have shown her that you can change, at least for a short-period. Seeing you improving and then seeing you slip back must be very frustrating to her. Communicate with her and take a good look at yourself. Why do you slip back into your old patterns? I have a girlfriend that is a terrible house keeper. It drives her husband insane! Now he's not asking for a lot, just wants her to pick up a bit. I'm not kidding either, I have never seen anybody with such terrible cleaning habits as her. But, her husband will ask her and ask her to try and improve. He'll come home from work, clean the house and ask her to at least keep it picked up. It seems the more he asks her the worse she gets until he finally blows and they have a huge fight with him yelling and storming out the door. Once he reaches this point she'll change for a few weeks. She'll wipe the table off after the kids eat, she'll wash the dishes and she'll do laundry. He'll notice the difference and he'll acknowledge it. They seem to be on easy street again and they get a long much better when she's doing this. It seems like a simple thing he's asking her and it's obvious it's something she's capable of. But, after a few weeks of "calm" she slips back into her old habits and history repeats itself. Why? Why does she continue to do this when she knows that it causes problems in her relationship with her husband?

homedad:<P>I think that you'd greatly benefit from the counseling here at MarriageBuilders (888-639-1639)---I'd suggest that you give them a call. I've counseled with Steve Harley, and he's been very effective at helping me "stick" to new behaviors. It would also demonstrate to your wife that you realize you need some help, and it would likely buy you a "stay of execution" as far as the divorce is concerned. She may not want to do the counseling with you, but that's OK---you should be working on your behaviors.<P>Please give it a try!