Hi all,<P>My big boy informed me that he is not going to be returning to college next fall due to his crummy grades. He has been living in the dorm for the past year and he wants to move back home. His father and I have been seperated for 2 years, our divorce should be final soon. My ex bought a house a year ago (5000 square feet) and refuses to set up a bedroom for our son because he doesn't want him "trashing" his house. So my son lives w/me on the weekends "trashing" my house. Does anyone have any advise how to handle this situation? I really want him to at least go to a community college. A friend of mine said he could get him a internship at his company for the summer. My ex feels like i am handing him a cake job and wants him to sling burgers for a summer. I am really conflicted, his dad thinks I should kick him out and play "tough love".<P>The problem is, this kid went into a deep depression when his dad had the affair with a girl not much older than him. He ended up not graduating w/his class, he went to summer school and his college offer was honored because I informed the college of our family problems. My ex-h didnt see our son for a year after he left. My son wouldn't have any thing to do w/him and this was hard because they have always been close. They now see eachother about 3 times a month and things are looking better, but I am at wits end how and where to guide him.<P>Any advise would be helpful!!<P>Gerri

Limerick:<P>I tend to lean towards the tough love camp simply because it is so good for our kids to become responsible for themselves. <P>After the pain of watching their parents have marital troubles or divorce, our kids are devastated and have their own sense of loss. It's tough to watch your family disintegrate before your very eyes. It tears our hearts out to see them so destroyed by the selfishness of the parents' actions. It often causes us to overcompensate, out of guilt, out of wanting to ease their sadness. But, I believe we do them far more harm than good when we do that to our kids because it can make them weak and keep them immature. Sometimes the offspring will use their sadness as a way to manipulate their parent.<P>Life's hard realities are just that--hard realities. We cannot shelter our kids from it; but we can offer them love, guidance, and let them know that WE are not going anywhere and that they are the most important people in the world to us. And because they are so important, and because we love them so much, we want them to be strong and self assured and self reliant and responsible.<P>This can only be accomplished by setting ground rules and sticking to them. If your son needs a place to crash for a time until he has earned enough money to get a place with friends, let him know he is welcome to stay until (specific date) and that while he is with you, he must be employed within two weeks (or any other reasonable time frame) after he comes home and signed up for school in the fall.<P>My grandfather just died in December and I was thinking about all the things he told me about life. <BR>He told me that when he was a young man, men were considered men at 15 or 16 and their family and society as a whole had expectations of them. They had much hardship and sadness and disappointments back then, but no one coddled them. <BR>He said the unitl the second world war, there was relatively no juvenile deliquency either. <BR>Children changed so much over the course of his 92 years, it distressed him that the kids today were weak, self indulgent and only interested in immediate gratification. He said it started really with my generation, the baby boomers. <BR>We were spoiled and indulged and not much was expected from us and it bred a generation of people who got sucked into the "I'm not happy, I gotta move on" "If it feels good, do it" and "Love the one you're with" mentality. Blah, blah, blah.<BR>As a results, all these dissatisfied, spoiled people did'nt have what it took to make lasting commitments. They lack the integrity to stay faithful to their vows. They treat their families as if they can be casually dismissed when they have decided they are "missing something".<BR>I'm not sure where I am going with this. I got off on a tangent, sorry. I guess I think that you would do your son a great disservice by allowing him to come home without a game plan and ground rules before his duffle bag hits your doorstep. And once you make the rules, stick to them, be firm and loving. He probably wants to come home also because he needs some comforting and because he is worried about you. That is important to go through that too as long as it doesn't go on too long as that can cripple. And don't let him trash your house, he's old enough to learn to take care of things and have respect for what you have worked so hard for. Just MHO. Good luck to you and your son.<P>Catnip =^^=<P>

Gerri,<P>I agree that you have to have ground rules, perhaps a contract that you both sign. Lay it out up front what you expect from him and what he can expect from you. Leave in the right to rewrite the rules.<P>Set time limits, he can live at home for free for x amount of time and then he must pay room and board. He has to have a job and respect your rules,(curfews, helping around the house, visitors, etc.)<P>I guess you should give him time to get on his feet again but you can't let him settle into depression and become a free loader. <P>If he can't live by these rules, then he is considered an adult and it is time for hom to get on with his adult life on his own.<P>Good luck and God Bless,<P>Bob

Gerri,<P>My brother (#2, I'm the oldest) went through a similar situation. He dropped out of Notre Dame at the end of his freshman year, and ended up going to a local college while living with the folks. He got a degree in Communications that he did absolutely nothing with, and he ended up working in a mini-Mart.<P>To cope, my parents did lay down clear expectations, and he followed them most of the time. When he didn't, there were repercussions.<P>The good news is, after being a bum for a few years, my wife got a position in an agri-tech company where she could hire some new people. We asked my brother, and he said "sure". He lived with us for several months, before getting a place. We ended up leaving the area to go to new jobs, but he stayed with the company. He enjoyed the job so much that he ended up wanting to go to grad school. He picked the university he wanted to attend, and they wouldn't have him (GRE scores were too low, and his grades weren't great). So he got a job working in a lab at that university in the area where he wanted to be doing grad work. And took the GRE's again. Eventually, they let him in. He graduated with his Ph.D. last year, and is doing great.<P>So there's hope. Just lay down the expectations. It may not be right for him to be in school right now (or in the fall), but he should have some clear expectations on what behaviors will be needed for him to live at home.

Catnip, Bob & K,<P>Thanks for the input, we have had a couple of conversations talking about "expectations" and consequences. I also think a written contract is totally appropriate. My son is a very young 18 year old. I should have held him back at Kindegarten. He doesn't turn 19 until Aug 21.<P>Thanks again for your opinions they all help. <P>Gerri

Limerick,<P>I agree with the tough love....the School of Hard Knocks is the best preparation for adulthood. I breezed through high school and college. I had a cake job teaching and coaching right out of college. Easy, easy, easy. But, then in the spring of 1991, my brother talked me into going into business with him. Well by Fall of 1991, the economy went into a recession and my brother bailed out on me, leaving me holding the bag. I had quit teaching at that point and was having a very rough time.<P>I had two options, dig in, find work and look for opportunities or quit.....Well, I looked for opportunities. This wasn't an easy experience, and the economy was poor in my region from 1992 until 1995....I hussled for work and found a lot of it....nothing glamourous....but, I paid the bills.<P>Well, what I'm trying to say, is that now I am a very motivated worker (advertising sales) who is always looking for opportunities for me and my clients. I know what it takes to be a success now. It is backbone.<P>Encourage you son to work and pay his dues. Give him support, but don't be his support. If he can over come the challenges before him, he will build confidence in himself and this should help him over come the depression. But, encourage him that self confidence doesn't come from what he does for a living, but rather, how does he live his life. Does he follow the golden rule and treat others with respect? Does he work hard for his employers? Does he give 100% for his work to better himself?<P>I see this as a challenge for him to conquer at an early age to build him into a man. My challenges came in my late 20's....I wish it happened earlier like late teens or early 20's....<P>Hope this helped.....

Nowhereman,<P>I think you need to change your name. You have obviously found your place. I wish I had a good healthy role model like yourself, here in Seattle, to befriend my boy. His father is 38 years old and goes to raves with my son with the OW. I will use your advise and support him but not "save" him. He is a big boy and needs to be more independent. Thanks for the input.<P>Gerri