How do we move forward?
<p>My husband no longer loves me. Over the past 2 months we have had many conversations
<br>about where we have gone wrong. The problems boil down to these main issues :
<br>1. Lack of intimacy on my part. I wouldn't be open and honest with him about my feelings.
<br>Whenever he tried to discuss it, I would put up a wall around me and go into withdrawal
<br>from him.
<br>2. My lack of confidence and self esteem. This caused me to become jealous whenever he
<br>spoke to someone else, so in the end we stopped socialising. My lack of confidence also
<br>made me depend on him more and more, both for practical every day life, and emotionally.
<p>Also, I wasn't meeting his needs for sexual fulfilment, which he feels better about.
<p>We are taking steps to remedy these problems. I have started opening up to him more,
<br>which he does acknowledge. I have also moved out, which in addition to giving us both
<br>space, will make me more self reliant.
<p>We are going to counselling, although he thinks we keep going over the same ground, and
<br>we are not moving forward. Last week was the first week we spent apart. We had planned
<br>to go out on a couple of 'dates', but in the end, I just went round to our house and
<br>spent a couple of hours there. We did manage to have some pleasant conversations, which
<br>I thought was progress. Before I left, the atmosphere was so bad in the house that I
<br>felt too awkward to talk. He said that the times we spent together were OK, but that he
<br>didn't positively enjoy them. He says that we now need to put the past behind us and
<br>work on trying to rebuild the love (his love, I still love him deeply). However, he feels
<br>that I haven't fully put the past behind me, and that I am still not behaving like a
<br>person he would want to be with. We think part of the problem is that we haven't gone
<br>out on a date yet, that we shouldn't have all our meetings at our home. We plan to go out
<br>tonight.
<br>The problem is, how do we move forward? I feel under enormous pressure to turn into a
<br>sparkling, witty person when I feel so depressed inside. I mentioned this to my H and
<br>he said 'Why not just be yourself?'.
<br>He has said that he must feel some love left for me, because he is still here, and that
<br>he is not the type of person to waste his time, so he must think we have a chance of
<br>reconciliation. On the other hand, he says that part of the reason he is trying again is
<br>for my sake, and that he feels as if he has to 'make himself' love me again.
<br>Thanks for listening
<br>Bev

Bev, I wish I was in your position. My H is leaving me because 1)he believes he no longer loves me and 2) he is having an affair. He is *not* willing to even think about reconciliation or trying to learn to love me again...
<p>That said, with your H's attitude and yours, I think it sounds as if you both could benefit from the counseling that the Harleys offer - this site is filled with information and the books are wonderful. Yesterday I got the three I ordered (through this website) and already I am halfway through "Give and Take", a very good book that really explains how couples can lose their love for one another. I highly recommend this site and its resources.
<p>I am hoping that once my H leaves he misses my companionship enough to be willing to try to see if our marriage could work again. I am certain it could.
<p>You need to be certain, too!
<p>thinking of you ...
<br>terri<p>[This message has been edited by terri.]

Bev,
<p>Check out the book Divorce Busting by Michele Weiner-Davis. I'm finding it very helpful in the area of changing yourself.
<p>For you and your husband to move ahead it sounds like he'll have to have some patience with you as you attempt to alter your behavior and you'll have to be patient with yourself while at the same time putting forth sincere and real effort to change. If you don allow yourselves to rush it or get hung up on things you should make it.
<br>Make a list of the snag areas and avoid them. You seem to be going in that direction by identifying the fact that you need to date away from the house.
<p>Also don't worry your mind a lot with trying to figure out your mate's motivations by their actions (on the one hand he does this but on the other...). It will drive you nuts.
<br>My wife told me we should separate. When I agreed she told me she meant a legal separation not the voluntary one I'd envisioned. But when I asked her to reconsider in a letter I wrote her she made light of it as if she didn't really mean it.
<br>Yesterday when I came in from picking up some groceries she said without any prompt from me that she was getting off the computer, one of my pet peeves. We made love and, as usual, it was great. But this morning, as usual, if I want a kiss I have to initiate it and then it's a kiss on the cheek.
<br>They can do things that make you think they're coming around and then just as quickly make you feel like all effort is in vain. Set your sights on doing your sincere best, shoot for the moon and don't let the contradictions get you down. Easier said then done but it must be done.

Bev,
<br>Moving forward is done in baby steps. It requires both partners to understand, and accept, that change is both possible, and required.
<br>Discouragement and setbacks are part of the forward movement, and it takes a while to get used to it. Bruce's post (and others) are on the mark. Like Terri, I feel that you have much more going for you that others here, me included. Besided having to overcome the lost feeling of love, intimacy, etc., I have to deal with the problems stemming from my wife's affair. Even though it is over.
<br>It's work. No doubt about it. Those awkward silent moments will exist for a while. It takes a lot of talking to become comfortable with each other. It's obvious, that since you have identified some basic issues, that you are talking. Keep it up.
<br>Don't let up. And don't give up. Whenever you need support, we're all here.

Bev I ate to say it but you sound like I used to be, TOO NEEDY. I'v been seperated 13 months and left all kinds of claw marks instead of just letting her go and letting her have some space. A smart person learns from others mistakes so please be smart. Dont try and hang on, dont call and dont be available I garentee he'll start wondering what your doing and start calling and asking questions. I have found that when I gave her what she wanted she gets closer and that the time I spend alone is a blessing and I have used it to my benifit. I have a new relationship with myself and have grown strong. I would suggest that you join a support group, figure out what your short commings are, and work on those things inside that you dont like about yourself. When you do things that are uncomfortable to you it mean your making progress and the more you do it the better you will be to handle it. Like dont call him for a week and if he call's you limit the time on the phone, you have to show him that your strong. Its really hard to do at first but gets easier. You'll get self respect by doing it and your husband will respect you for being strong and may be attracted to that strength. I pleaded all the time with my wife just to talk for 8 months when I stoped bugging her and kept to myself she started to drawn closer and withih 3 months told me how much she respected me. So what I'm saying is dont waste 8 months like I did. Do work on yourself to become better and realise whats happining is not for ever and not as bad as it appears. God Bless
<br> Ken

Hi Bev,
<p>Did I miss something? Why did you move out? I can see why you or he might think you need "space", but this is really more of a sign of withdrawl.
<p>It sounds like you are (starting to) meet his needs for sexual fulfilment, but is he aware of and meeting your needs for affection and his approval to help improve your self esteem?
<p>It sounds like if you are "opening up" to him, you are "being yourself". Is he being as open and honest as you are?
<p>I would say to keep talking as much as possible. This would be the opposite of the "moving out" tactic. Dr. Harley's "Give and Take" has good guidelines for talking, and even "arguing" without attacking your partner. You may want to give it a look!
<p>Keep Talking! (Sounds like you're getting there!)
<p>Val

Thank you for your encouraging replies. I wish I could be more helpful to you in other
<br>threads.
<br>Thanks
<br>Bev