I am a newbie here. Has anyone ever heard of a couple who are about to be divorced changing their mind? Does it work out or do they end up divorced?<P>My final court date is days away. I filed and 2 months ago threw out an olive branch because I can't let go. We have been separated a year and had no contact for 7 months. I still love him. He was physically abusive and that is unacceptable to me. I had to leave. <P>At my request, my husband and I have talked he says he wished we could reconcile and that he loves me. But he does nothing to pursue reconciliation. He never wants to see me on the weekend or to spend much time talking. We have gone out to dinner and been romantic (sex) in the last couple weeks. When the weekends come he won't call or answer my calls.<P>IMHO, our problems were and are that he wants his cake and to eat it too. He wants to be married but he also seems to want to live a bachelor lifestyle going out, meeting other women, and hanging out with younger people. He is 35. Although he says to me that he wants to be married and that since I left he goes out because of loneliness and anger for me. IMHO I believe he is unhappy from within himself and he thinks that finding another person will solve his problems. I believe he was unhappy when I met and married him but I did not see it. We were in the honeymoon. I don't seem to be able to help him deal with his unhappiness. Should I wait for him to change his ways or should I move forward?<P>He won't talk to me about counseling. He says our problems are my fault. He does admit making mistakes but doesn't seem to prove it with his actions. Please help me gather my thoughts.

snowbunny,<P>I'm sorry you have a need to be here... <BR>...but you've come into a very supportive group. <P>I don't know how much of the Marriage Builders (MB) principles you know... but I do have a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <BR>(It's geared more toward the earlier stages of infidelity... but useful to all)<P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P><B>About your post</B>...<P>There are some key phrases you said that may make reconciliation difficult...<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>...He was physically abusive and that is unacceptable to me. I had to leave...<P>...But he does nothing to pursue reconciliation...<P>...He never wants to see me on the weekend or to spend much time talking...<P>...When the weekends come he won't call or answer my calls...<P>...he wants his cake and to eat it too...<P>...he is unhappy from within himself and he thinks that finding another person will solve his problems....<P>...I don't seem to be able to help him deal with his unhappiness...<P>...He won't talk to me about counseling...<P>...He says our problems are my fault...<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Having a couple of hops in the hay does not a reconcilation make...<P>He seems to very typical of some someone in the "addiction" of infidelity...<BR>irrational<BR>mean-spirited<BR>confused and lost<BR>angry<BR>and indifferent.<P>In our MB principles, we normally make the recommendation of starting on what we call <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>...<BR>...and if that doesn't work... and we've lost the love of our spouse... then onto <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B</A>... and when our love for our spouse is totally gone... divorce is an eventuality.<P>In Plan A... you avoid fighting... and try to meet each other's needs...<BR>...did any of this happen before/during separation?<P>In Plan B... there is deliberate NO CONTACT with the Wayward Spouse(WS)...<BR>...it looks like you've had that...<BR>...but are starting to have second thoughts.<P>Your "quoted" phrases/sentences seem to indicate that your H isn't willing to give up his lifestyle... and as such... unless you know there is "adequate" love for him...<BR>...continuing the divorce looks like a clear option.<P>How much is "adequate" love...<BR>...that is for you to determine.<BR>...read my <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>Welcome</A> for more info!<P>I'm not advocating divorce...<BR>...if you knew me... it's the last thing I'd ever advocate...<BR>...but in your case..<BR>...you seem to have made the right steps... and not reach your original goal...<BR>...it's not you fault...<P>Do stay here and read and post and learn...<BR>...even as you go through the divorce you can become a better person.<P> <P>Jim

Hi Snowbunny:<P>I am sorry you're going through this. It's so sad to let go of someone you love.<P>You said your husband makes no effort to reconcile and that he is always unavailable over the weekends. You said that he was abusive to you during the marraige and refuses counseling and blames you for the breakdown of the marriage.<P>Although you have dated your husband over the past two weeks and have been intimate, nothing has changed and it certainly does look as if he wants to be able to be with you and still live his single life.<P>As it stands now, the odds of him coming around to your way of thinking doesn't sound too positive. There are things you can do to see if it will have any effect on him. NSR told you about the MB principles and Plan A and Plan B. I hope you will take the time to study these principles and try to apply them to your life. Miracles do happen here sometimes. The first thing you have to do is take care of yourself and keep coming here for support and to post.<P>We're here for you, Snowbunny. You're in my prayers.<P>Catnip =^^=

<BR>Thanks NSR (Jim)<P>I plan B'd for the last 8-10 months due to a temporary restrainting order (TRO)with no contact on it. During that time I have studied the MB principles. Also the divorce was contested and fought very hard for fair property settlement. He wanted everything I wanted fair. A clause does exist for reconciliation that the settlement would still be good if we try reconciliation and fail. I did not have the opportunity to Plan A before the TRO. <P>My husband pursued me for the first week and said he wanted to try not to be bitter and angry about the past. I have always told him he had the option to make the marriage good at any time. He said he still loved me and probably always would. So I postponed the divorce date so we could have more time to explore the possiblity of reconciliation. <P>But then he didn't do what I expected and as I explained would call me and e-mail me but then when the weekends came he would never be around. I have plan A'd since we are now able to talk. He however would have good days and then really terrible abusive (yelling at me) days. The difference is that now I don't live there so at any time I have a safe place to leave to or I can end the phone call calmly. My real dilemma is do I postpone the divorce again. He has had a month to try. Maybe that isn't long enough to Plan A. Especially since the no contact meant that he could have met someone else. He says he hasn't but that fact is contrary to what friends are telling me. I will and can let that go because I understand that he feels confused. He has not known her very long maybe a couple of months. So he may decide to give it up with her if I keep plan A'ing.<P>I agree with what you say:<P>There are some key phrases you said that may make reconciliation difficult...<P> Having a couple of hops in the hay does not a reconcilation make...<P>He seems to very typical of some someone in the "addiction" of infidelity...<BR>irrational<BR>mean-spirited<BR>confused and lost<BR>angry<BR>and indifferent.<P>Yesterday he told me that I am frustrating him. (I have plan A'd and been an angel. ) I believe he is frustrated because he can't move on with the OW and keep me around. He can't let me go either. Now is that because of the property settlement (ie money goes from him to me and he is stalling) or because of love for me? There are only a few days before the final hearing for the judge to stamp the divorce through. My question is if he knew he loved me wouldn't he be trying harder. He did say to me he is not happier with me gone. He implied he took me for granted and he did not know what he had until it was gone. He did say he was working on his anger problem. But did not say if he still was working on it. Lately we haven't had a chance to talk about it. He calls and touched bases but no real conversation. I allow that because in plan A you can't push for more if they don't want it, right? It hurts me terribly when he chooses to not purse the reconciliation and to live like he is. Some people tell me to just move on he will never get it and I can't wait my whole life away. Some have said he is just stinging me along. How do I know?

Thank you Catnip. I am trying to Plan A for now. But our divorce date is only days away now. I can't decide what to do. <P><BR>

snowbunny,<P>You've gotten me on a real bad day...<P>I would almost always tell someone to postpone the divorce for as long as possible...<BR>...keep on trying while there is the slightest bit of love...<P>If there are no "losses" (financially or emotionally) by postponing... do so!<P>--------------------------------------------<P>I have a hard time giving advice today...<BR>...I'm on telephone standby to go to court today... first date for my divorce trial...<BR>I am fighting tooth and nail to stop it...<BR>...but I know I can't...<BR>There will be only a temporary postponment at best.<P>---------------------------------------------<P>My W is living with OM (9+ months now)... talks about marrying him...<BR>...but I plug on with Plan A too.<P>---------------------------------------------<P>Wishing you luck in all your efforts!<P>Jim

NSR (Jim)<P>Chin up. Thanks you for replying. <P>I have been where you are. Everytime we had a legal proceeding I hoped that my stbx would grab each and every olive branch that I threw out. Although in those circumstances it is hard because the legal process is brutal. <P>I have read many of your posts over the last 8-10 months. I didn't post in the past for fear that my stbx would find my identity from the IP address. I think I am in the clear now that he is not violent towards me. <P>You know you have done everything possible to help your marriage. Some people just don't get it and never will. It is hard for those of us who hope and pray that ours will have a miracle light that will enlighten them. <P>I have been told that a person who gives up their marriage for another person is flawed. We love(d) our flawed spouses and we did our best. Now it is time for us to take care of us and strive to become better people. I wish I could say more to help you.<BR>But know that you are not alone in your fear, hope, and dispair. We are here holding each other's hands through it. <P>(It is really sad when the marriage counselor you and your spouse went to tells you to get divorced. But here I am still wanting him to get it even though the counselor said he won't. I even hope the marriage counselor is wrong. That's how bad I want him to get it.) <P>Let us know what happens today. I will be saying prayers to the man above for us.