Like many authors in the postings I've read in this forum, after 23 years of marriage my wife is questioning whether we should stay married. She's kind to me, we have been functioning near normal for 6 months but she is keeping her distance emotionally. She refuses counseling, says she must know what she wants first. I love her, I freely accept blame for my part of our problems and have worked hard to change and meet her needs-but things are mostly one sided. Yesterday she called me at work and said a couple of friends each asked her to go to dinner after work this week. One is a lady friend the other is an male ex-coworker that went through a tough divorce and is now having problems with his live-in. I found out he calls my wife often at work to talk. He leaned on her during his divorce and she even helped write his resume' and letters when he was looking for his new job. She said he is going through a rough time and needs someone to talk to. I told her she should not go out to dinner with him, he lives 30 miles away, if she can't help him on the phone going to dinner isn't the answer. She told me I was a neanderthal, that friends go to dinner all the time, and her friends at work agreed. She told her male friend I disapproved and he replied, "Its not like I'm going to take you to a motel." Am I a jealous caveman? I just think she needs to be more concerned about my marriage than his.

If her spending time with another man bothers you, it bothers you. Pretending that it doesn't bother you won't work, because it's just a lie. I think you need to be able to honestly tell your wife how her choices affect you.
<p>If she is calling you derogatory names like "neanderthal" just because you are honestly expressing your feelings, she is not being very respectful of you. I would consider such language abusive.
<p>If you follow Dr. Harley's advice, however, you can't demand that she stop seeing her friends. And you can't start calling her names in revenge. Just bite the bullet and accept that she doesn't care about hurting you right now.
<p>Eventually she will make a choice to leave you or to stay and work on the marriage. You have no control over her choices, all you can do is try to be a decent person. If she chooses to stay and work on the marriage, then she may be more receptive to your needs. Until then I'm afraid you're out of luck. My sympathies are with you.
<p>Or you can make a choice to quit working on a relationship with someone who doesn't care about your pain, but it doesn't sound like you are willing to make that choice just yet.
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paul,
<p>This website has a lot of information that you can use as an 'alternative' to formal counseling. Perhaps your wife would be willing to do this with you (probably not, but it's worth a try).
<p>My advice to you is to read all the concepts here (several times). See if you can get your wife to fill out the 'lovebusters' forms and go over them with you. Preferrably together (she tells you what you do to drive her nuts and vice versa). But see if she'll at least let you know how you can improve...
<p>Then make a plan and work on it. Even if it is one-sided. Hopefully she will be encouraged by the results in a couple months and be more participatory in working on the marriage.
<p>You do need to be honest about your feelings with her, but you have to learn how to express them without hurting her.
<p>And your 'neanderthal' fears are well-grounded. A BIG RULE OF TROUBLED MARRIAGES is to never discuss the marital problems with a member of the opposite sex. These often lead to affairs. Too easily. It happens all the time, and if your wife has a hard time believing it, you can point her here. There are plenty of people who can back this statement up (my wife would be one).
<p>Parizade is right on target: you can't force her to work on the marriage. You can work on the marriage yourself, and give her inspiration and hope that it's worth investing time in. That can take time, and you have to be very careful to establish a solid track record. Everytime you slip up counteracts lots of good work, so really try to eliminate the lovebusters first before you start working on fulfilling her 'emotional needs'.

Thank you Parizade for your reply and words of wisdom. We talked later last night. I did make it clear that her choice did hurt me and why. When I want us to go to dinner on weekends or to a movie she often finds reasons not to go. She said I was making a big deal over nothing. I know her male friend and told her I lost my respect for him because of his reponse to my disapproval of them meeting for dinner. They way I see it he obviously has no respect for my feelings or the fact that she is married. He works 60 miles from where we live, 3 weeks ago he asked her to come to an open house on a Saturday at the he new school where he works and then go to dinner. She asked my what I thought and I said no, if he would have asked us both it would have been a different situation. Last night I tried to tell her that although she views their relationship as only a friendship I thing he would like it to be more. She said she's not physically attracted to him and I'm just letting my insecurities get the best of me. I know I've got to let go of this but she's hurting me and doesn't seem to understand.

Your wife is telling you she is not sure she wants to stay married to you but she is sure that she wants to pursue a friendship with another man. It seems to me that she has put you in a very insecure position, so you have every right to feel insecure.
<p>You told her, in plain English, just how much she is hurting you. I believe that she understands perfectly, she just doesn't care. If you follow K's advice (which I hope you do) and read through this site you will learn what Dr. Harley means by "withdrawal stage." Your wife seems to be in the withdrawal stage. She will do whatever she feels will satisfy her emotional needs, without any regard for you or your needs. Your only hope of saving the marriage, according to Dr. Harley, is to become a steady source of fulfillment for her needs. Which is pretty darn hard if your needs aren't being met.
<p>I'm sorry you have to go through this. I hope you can find some solace and encouragement here.
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Thank you Parizade and K for your responses and encouragement. An Update: My wife did not go out to dinner with her friend this week. I think she does really feel sorry for the guy, but I admit I'm not sold on the innocense of his intentions. We've got a lot of things to work through, I'm sure she is having some needs met by feeling a reponsibility to help him with his relationship problems. I can see I need to read more from this site and learn more of Dr. Harley's advice. Parizade's suggestion that she may be the withdrawl stage makes sense. I guess I could ramble on endlessly so I'll spare everone and sign off.