Your supportive replies to my other topic have encouraged me to start another one. I'm having real problems dealing with jealousy. My husband has a friend (female), who he says he is not having an affair with. He confides in her, and he says that talking to her makes him feel more positive about things, and that if it wasn't for her, he would probably have given up on us trying again weeks ago.
<br>The problem is I find myself acting in ways that are driving him away. I keep checking up on him. I know how to listen to his messages on the answering machine, so I did, and I heard a message from her, in which she said she loved him.
<br>I drove round to the house straight away, and confronted him. He says that is just the way she is, and that he likes her but does not return her feelings, she is just a friend she talks to. Now he knows that I have been checking up on him, and this made him angry, especially as we had just had a nice evening together. He says that if I carry on behaving like this, I am going to drive him away, and I know he is right. He even said that it would be the easiest thing in the world to finish things for ever, but this morning he said he had forgiven me.
<br>Please help

Bev,
<p>I don't want to worry you, but I think you are right to be concerned about your H and this "other woman". (Not "Ohmigodheshavinganaffair" concerned, but don't bury your head in the sand either.)
<p>I know (from experience) that if he has someone he can talk to about anything. (More comfortably than you) there may be a danger of talking leading to other intimacy. YOU need to be the one who he can share anything with. It will take some work, but it's important.
<p>As for listening to his massages, I know it's really tempting, -and what you heard does concern you, you need to resist the desire to invade his privacy. It'll just be one more thing for him to hold against you.
<p>Have you told him that YOU want to be the one he can confide anything in? That he can discuss anything with you? Ask you anything? (I mean build his trust in you, don't "demand" he spill his guts on the spot.) I know that this can be tough. (and I'm not there yet either!)
<p>I could be wrong (Please, somebody tell me I'm wrong!) but if she says "I love you" to him, she may be ready to do so physically. He may be barely resisting having an affair with her.
<p>(I say all this knowing very little about your situation, but I do know a little about what you are talking about.)
<p>I decided to be more honest here and explain what I mean:
<br>I "met" a wonderful woman on the 'net, and we seem to have so much in common, that we have developed deep feelings for one another. This has really made me realize how close I am to becoming involved in an affair, that it drove me to finally "confront" my wife about our terrible communication and (my) unmet needs. (maybe that's what he meant about how "this woman" made him want to work things out with you.
<p>If he is in this "stage", it may be a perfect time to work things out. Don't let the opportunity pass you by!
<br>Val
<p> <p>[This message has been edited by V.]

Bev,
<br>First of all, was it an "I LOVE YOU", or a way of hanging up. Like "LUV YA"?
<br>The problem with listening or reading things when you are looking for something, is that you will probably find it.
<br>But, in any case, V is right. If he can share things with her, that he cant share with you, that is the problem.
<br>Try to open up the communication now. If he can start to talk to you, then there will be no need for HER.

Apparently it was both. I heard the first one, which was an 'I love you' in a 'serious' tone of voice. He said she said it again at the end of the call (I couldn't listen to the end) and it was said in a 'jokey' kind of way.
<p>He said that she has only recently started saying it, and that he thinks she means that she loves him as a friend. I asked him what he says when she says it, and he says he doesn't respond.
<p>I do believe him when he says there is nothing going on, he is not the kind of man to string me along.
<p>It seems that all the positive things he has done in the past few weeks have been done at her suggestion. For example last week he sent me an email telling me what he admired about me. He said he did it to make things more positive, as we had been concentrating on the negative.
<br>She seems genuine, but I still can't help thinking of her as a threat, because I am jealous that he confides in her.

Bev, I hate to be negative, but I want to share my experiences with you. I always knew that my H was not the type of man to "string me along" too and he denied having an affair, pointing out, "When would I have the time?" during the entire time his affair was going on. You are concerned about the time your H spends with his female friend and you have a right to be. There are plenty of resources your H could use to give him ideas on how to perk up your relationship - he doesn't have to seek advice from a woman (other than his wife) who is telling him she loves him during telephone calls.
<p>Please trust your instincts on this. Try to find a way to get your husband to understand his vulnerability to having an affair with his friend - have him read this website, or print some of the Q&A's for him to read, if you are uncomfortable that he might read the forum. Actually, the forums would be a good place to have him read - over in infidelity I'm certain he would find plenty of reasons why one should avoid confiding in friends of the opposite sex while there are marital problems being worked on.
<p>Wishing you the best!
<p>terri

At the moment, all I can do is believe him that he is not having an affair. We live in England, and she lives in Canada.
<p>I know that if I keep on acting jealous and possessive it will drive him further away and
<br> destroy any last chance we have of getting back together.
<p>It does worry me that he is confiding in her, but I know that there is no-one else he can confide in.
<br>I am hoping that with time, he will be able to talk to me more, and need her less.
<p>Bev