I have a real dillemma. My H uprooted me and moved me and our two boys to another state, and then I found out a month later he was a skunk and has been a skunk for a long time. We moved to here to Michigan last August. He says that he wouldn't stop me if I wanted to go back to my "real" home and family and friends in Illinois (with the kids of course) after the divorce.<P>My lawyer says I should stay in Michigan and have him maintain the home until my youngest is 18. This looks good to me since I have a nice home and it took 20 years to get this far, and it's really hard to flush it away (the house is new and we'd lose all the equity to sell it now) and go back to Illinois with practically nothing but child support and alimony only for a little while. On the other hand, it makes me still dependent on him for a long time and I could end up having an ongoing battle with him to keep up the maintenance (he already gives me trouble).<P>However, if I go back I have a lot of support so that my boys will always have a relative to look after them when I go back to work - it's just that it's NOT as nice a place to live as Michigan (it's actually getting bad, gangs, drugs, etc. which doesn't seem to be very prevalent in this part of Michigan). I would have an easier time if I went back to Illinois as far as support goes. That doesn't mean I can't make it here in Michigan, just not as easily (I literally have no one here and am very alone).<P>Also, I have a hard time taking my boys that far from their good-for-nothing father because they love him, even tho he never calls them, makes excuses not to see them, and will most likely be transferred out within a couple years anyway.<P>WHAT WOULD YOU DO? I really don't know and am running out of time.

This is a really hard decision...<P>For me... it would depend on how old the kids were (how old are yours)...<P>With very young kids...<BR>...family support is important.<P>With older kids...<BR>...and safe environment is important.<P>I'm not sure which way I would go either...<P>But I'm praying for you... <P>Jim

I have a similar situation. We moved to Los Angeles so that I could attend grad school.<P>Now that she has left, I find that I can not continue. So I am moving back to San Diego to be close to my (and her) family. She is staying here with the fornication buddy (can I say that here?)<P>Family is very important. If you have no one, I think it would be harder to live. <P>How far away will you be? If it is just a couple of hours, so what? I have been driving from LA to SD every weekend for the past three years. A couple of hour drive is not that bad.

The way I look at is to do what is best for you and the children. I have a friend who was left after a messy divorce with nothing but a 25,000 legal bill and has survived. Look at the long term effects on your (new) family and decide what is best.

Took me a day to get back here! Thanks so much for your thoughts and prayers. We all (I mean everyone on these forums) need a little of both, it helps.<P>My boys are 8 and 4. They are young. The problem is "back home" the schools are not as good as they are here. As far as family goes, they would be a big help for me but I have lived most of my adult life at least an hour+ or more away from them. The kids have never lived really close to any family, so they are used to it. Home from here in Michigan would be about 3-1/2 hour drive, not terrible, but long enough with two boys and two little dogs!<P>Anyway, I got lost again today driving and am really getting hooked on the beauty of this state (never saw so many dirt roads in my life). I keep leaning towards staying here. I can't say I am totally alone - I do have a few great neighbor friends and a great church with wonderful people who always offer a hand. We do get invited to cookouts and stuff also and have a really good time.<P>This is off the subject but ... my H is ruining my credit right now by not paying some of the bills and wasn't giving me any support cash at all. Listen to this! On Mother's Day I got an envelope in the mail with a yellow piece of paper with a $100 bill folded in it saying "happy MD and spend some on yourself." Totally anonymous but from someone in IL by where I used to live. !! Then a week ago, someone in my neighborhood anonymously left a flat of flowers on my porch with a card and also a gift certificate for more flowers that said "happy planting, from a friend" (I'm a major big time gardner/landscape designer want to be) - probably because I walk around to all my neighbors houses and help them plant their stuff and weed their gardens, but have no money to buy anything for my yard. God is good and it shows through the kindness of other people. I will definitely have to do the same for someone else in the future when I'm back on my feet.<P>I am trusting God lead me and take care of it all tho. I guess that's why I'm not terribly worried about all this too much and actually am happy most of the time. My H, on the other hand, sounds horrible every time he leaves a message here, like he's gonna end it all at any minute, very unhappy. I guess some people just don't know what truly makes life worthwhile.<P>Thanks for your responses. Kathy

<B>Dear Kathy,</B><P>I wish you the best of luck with your situation. It's a horrible predicament you're in, but it sounds like you're strong and doing well at the moment.<P>My advice is do what's best for you and your children. Do what is comfortable and makes you happy. I do admire you, however, on your consideraton of your boys. No matter how you feel about their father, they should be able to be close enough to visit on a regular basis. Sounds like your H may feel guilt and much remorse right now; thus, your H's inability to be part of your sons' lives. Perhaps when "things" clear a little, he'll be able to be a father again. <P>If you're happy where you are now, why not stay and see how it goes?<P>Good luck,<BR>Andrew

Sounds like there are a lot of good reasons to stay. Sounds like you even want to stay. The biggest reason for leaving is your family, but if you have managed to maintain a strong contact despite your distance, I'd say keep the house, the security, and let your children have access to their father. I think in most cases, having convenient access to both parents, even if they are divorcing, is the best thing for the children.

Hi WO,<P> I agree with Popeye, it sounds like you would prefer to stay there. I think stability is so important for your kids and you can always move later if you decide you can't be there by yourself. However, once you move back "home" it would be harder to move back to Mich. .....can't hurt to try it in Mich. and not make any BIG decisions like that yet......LU

Kathy,<BR> It sounds like you have really good neighbors,and that is important,too.I would really think about the quality of the schools that you will be sending your kids to.The atmosphere of the schools is a big factor now-a-days on how your kids will turn out.The schools here in Seattle used to be pretty good,but now we have gangs,drugs,etc.Something to really consider.<BR> Maybe you should make a list of the pros and cons,and see which list wins.Good Luck.<P> --Murph<BR>

You are all such wonderful people. I didn't think anyone would care about this, and I really appreciate your thoughts.<P>I really didn't think I was leaning either way, but when I read my own post back it seems obvious I want to stay. I think you are right, Lu, that I should at least try it first. It's going to be really hard (as many of us know). He sure isn't making it any easier for me to want him still in his kids lives - he's making us have to keep going back to court rather than talking to me and being sensible. It just boils down to he just wants me to disappear off the planet and be gone - he wants to punish me for all his infidelities - he believes his new studly free lifestyle is where happiness lies. Sickening.<P>It's also probably better to stay since it's hard enough to be a single parent, and if you can eliminate some of the bad influences like gangs and drugs (even tho I know it's probably everywhere), it makes parenting a little easier.<P>Hi Murph, my list of pros and cons are equally as long - so how do you decide? I think the answers I got here have helped me see what I really want. I'm not afraid of hardship for myself by a long shot, I'm afraid of how it will affect the guys. I'm afraid of daycare - they've never seen a day of it, and have had a babysitter only a couple times in their whole lives. They've been attached to my hips from day one, as they say. They are such sweetie pies and well-behaved little boys. I'm afraid of them feeling they've first lost their father and then lost their mother when I return to the work force. My H is punishing them, not me.<P>Having said all that - I've been sitting here trying to decide what sort of father's day project I can help the boys create (more for their benefit, not his).<P>Thanks again, God bless - Kathy

WO,<BR>Mich sounds like the spot for you. It sounds like you are a strong independent woman, and while family would be nice, it sounds like you are getting alot of support from your community.<P>I too, am 3.5 hrs from my mother but she doesn't travel so she won't come out. My x-inlaws are 1.5 hrs away and do comeout when I have to travel for extended periods. My kids are older(9 & 12) so don't need the day care like yours do so that is somewhat easier (?) for me.<P>Bob<P>------------------<BR>"You can't always get what you want! But if you try real hard,you might just find, you get what you need!"<BR>Mick Jagger