I have been engaged for a year with the date being in two months. Our relationship is currently a long-distance one. She moved 250 miles for a job after we started dating but before the engagement. It was her promise that she would take the job for two years for the experience and move back if I did not want to or could not move. We do not see each other as often as I would like, maybe two weekends per month. And since she's back with mom and dad, when I make the trip (which is most of the time) we don't get a whole lot of privacy or even time for ourselves.
<p>We've argued quite a bit in the last few weeks. She's under a lot of pressure from work and wedding planning as am I. About a month ago, I asked her why she broke a promise to take me out to dinner the night before and her response was to go ballistic. Apparently I am too rigid with my expectations
<p> A week or two later she took me to task on my lack of progress on the honeymoon plans. I did not challenge her but instead apologized and booked the trip per our discussions. The following week when she learned that I did not have every last hotel booked and did not have a plan for every day (three week trip to SE Asia) she again went ballistic and told me I did not have my priorities straight (because I had to go into work both days that weekend). I asked her to please give me some slack since I was working on it and made a lot of progress. She remained angry. When we got together last weekend (her place) Saturday was wonderful. On Sunday we were to go to a park to plot out the final honeymoon logistics. Unfortunately, I did not pack a pen and paper by the time she was ready to leave the house and she got angry again because I was just not planning and it's symptomatic of the larger problem she has with me and that she's still angry with those things she beat me up for those past two occasions.
<p>Well, this comming weekend is my birthday. And since I've always considered her's to be of great importance, I was hoping she would think the same for me. She informed me that because of work obligations she would probably not be able to make it until Saturday late AM. Oh and since she needs to help her parents with the next weekend's shower preparations, she has to leave early Sunday. I was hurt that I felt she was cutting corners (again - she couldn't do a romantic birthday for me last year either because of family obligations - she did take me out to dinner three weeks later after I asked). She went ballistic and sent me an e-mail saying that she could not come down this weekend because of the "emotional stress" and she has just too much to do anyway.
<p>It was like a knife in my heart and I wonder if I can marry someone who can hurt me like this.
<p> Am I being ridiculous?
<p>
<br>

One question, why are getting married to someone your not going to live with for two years. It seems from the outside that you may want to wait untill she's ready to live with you. Just my opinion
<br> Ken

davefromnj,
<br>Your post does raise questions about the wisdom of considering/completing marraige at this time in your lives. Perhaps the best thing would not be to give advice, but to pose questions which will hopefully help you decide (along with your fiance what is best for you.
<br>It's important when trying to manage conflicting goals and priorities that each partner approach the other with empathy and a sense of partnership. Are you both looking out for each other's needs as well as your own? (Please review the excellent information on this site about men's and women's needs if you don't have a chance to get Dr. Harley's books- I recommend the books highly). Have you and your partner discussed your values and life goals, and do you have a clear sense of the direction you want your marraige to take? What role do both of you see your in-laws playing in every day life or in Holidays? From your post, it sounds like your fiance will continue living in the area where her new job is for close to a year after you get married (job = 2 years, engagement about 14-15 months). Why the rush to get married? How old are you both?
<br>Marraige is not something to undertake lightly- significant conflicts in priorities, or controlling behavior and stress (from family, job, whatever) all make it more difficult. It doesn't get easier once you're married; it gets more challenging, because issues must be faced on a daily basis, including all the mundane stresses of daily life. Your fiance may be more compulsive than you about meeting tight schedules or complying with family wishes- if so, does that bother you? Is it something you can live with for the next 40 years if it doesn't change?
<br>Also, have you and your fiance considered or engaged in pre-marital counselling? This can be very helpful in developing a realistic direction and tone for the relationship; conversely, it can also identify showstoppers that may lead you to reconsider your plans.
<br>Ultimately, it comes down to how you both feel about each other, and how much you're willing to make each other your number 1 priority. This is not as simple as it seems; no disrespect or personal criticisim intended, but many marraiges are based on motivations of completing one's life "picture" or "situation", (you want a wife, she wants a husband, with all that both those roles imply,not becuase we have a genuine "soul mates" situation.
<br>Dr. Barbara DeAngelis has an excellent book out, the title is something like "Are you the One for Me?"- it may be very relevant to your situation. It's availble in paperback at places like Barnes & Nobles, Borders, etc. please check it out, and good luck to both of you.

davefromnj,
<br>Your post does raise questions about the wisdom of considering/completing marraige at this time in your lives. Perhaps the best thing would not be to give advice, but to pose questions which will hopefully help you decide (along with your fiance what is best for you.
<br>It's important when trying to manage conflicting goals and priorities that each partner approach the other with empathy and a sense of partnership. Are you both looking out for each other's needs as well as your own? (Please review the excellent information on this site about men's and women's needs if you don't have a chance to get Dr. Harley's books- I recommend the books highly). Have you and your partner discussed your values and life goals, and do you have a clear sense of the direction you want your marraige to take? What role do both of you see your in-laws playing in every day life or in Holidays? From your post, it sounds like your fiance will continue living in the area where her new job is for close to a year after you get married (job = 2 years, engagement about 14-15 months). Why the rush to get married? How old are you both?
<br>Marraige is not something to undertake lightly- significant conflicts in priorities, or controlling behavior and stress (from family, job, whatever) all make it more difficult. It doesn't get easier once you're married; it gets more challenging, because issues must be faced on a daily basis, including all the mundane stresses of daily life. Your fiance may be more compulsive than you about meeting tight schedules or complying with family wishes- if so, does that bother you? Is it something you can live with for the next 40 years if it doesn't change?
<br>Also, have you and your fiance considered or engaged in pre-marital counselling? This can be very helpful in developing a realistic direction and tone for the relationship; conversely, it can also identify showstoppers that may lead you to reconsider your plans.
<br>Ultimately, it comes down to how you both feel about each other, and how much you're willing to make each other your number 1 priority. This is not as simple as it seems; no disrespect or personal criticisim intended, but many marraiges are based on motivations of completing one's life "picture" or "situation", (you want a wife, she wants a husband, with all that both those roles imply,not becuase we have a genuine "soul mates" situation.
<br>Dr. Barbara DeAngelis has an excellent book out, the title is something like "Are you the One for Me?"- it may be very relevant to your situation. It's availble in paperback at places like Barnes & Nobles, Borders, etc. please check it out, and good luck to both of you.

Thanks, guys, for responding.
<p>For clarification, 1) we're both mid-30's, and 2) the "2 years" are up at the end of this year - coinciding with THE event. For reasons to complicated to describe here, she's agreed to *return* (for which I am deeply thankful)
<p>But I wonder if deep down she's resentful that she will be away from her family and that the job has become more important to her than she had anticipated.
<p>She described her family as being a "support system" and lamented that it may be difficult without mom & dad, etc. not living within 20 minutes. (She's 34, BTW)
<br>Her father cornered me recently and gave me similar grief and explained that it was my duty as the man to put my career interests aside (which would happen if I moved at this stage) for the sake of the "family" (read: his) and the wife's career.
<p>Again thanks for the input. I know this all may seem remarkably petty compared with some of the other stuff I've seen at this site. I just want to avoid being the person who later posts an incredible saga of woe.
<br>

I would take your doubts seriously. It seems that both of you are getting concerned over issues and it might be wise to postpone the wedding. I would encourage you to talk with your fiance about your concerns and her concerns and I would also encourage you to seek premarital counseling or at least to read the book "Four Gifts of Love" by Dr. Harley.
<p>The living apart for 2 years is tough, but I know it is doable. My husband and I lived apart and saw each other every few weekends our entire courtship. While we have our issues, we are now married for five years and will probably be for life.
<p>However, I didn't have doubts before I got married and I think doubts should be considered, but the two of you need to talk - always talk. Use the phone, avoid the internet because it isn't live conversation and misinterpretations can happen (I know this from experience.) Express your concern that she has downplayed your birthday two years in a row. It might not be something she values for herself, but she needs to know it's important to you. Express your concerns about her getting so angry about not totally nailing down the honeymoon and ask her what she is afraid of. Once you get to the root, you may see there is nothing more than nerves.
<p>About having your fiance move. Ask youself this and have her ask it too: Who has the higher income? Does the other location offer great opportunities for both of you? Do you plan to have children? Where would it best for you as a couple to raise children if it is in the near future? Ask her why she doesn't want to move now when she promised only two years? Will she be forever resentful if she is giving it up for you?
<p>Really, she may be feeling (wrongly so perhaps) that she is having to give up a lot to be with you and then you don't take the time to plan your end of the wedding event, so maybe she sees it as you not really caring.
<p>Whatever it is, if you talk about it and there is still concerns, postpone the wedding. It is better than getting a divorce.
<p>Melissa

Dave,
<p>Just wanted to pipe in and say that her father's "words of wisdom" are straight BS, with nothing but selfishness and causing you to feel guilty behind them. It is no more your duty to move from your home and job than it is for her to do the same for you.
<p>You and she need to AGREE what is best for the both of you. (Harley's "policy of joint agreement") You may or may not take things like salary, advancement opportunity, etc into the decision-making process. You both need to consider each other's need for family, old friends, etc. I would say that if you can't agree on this (enthusiastically, with no threats of dredging it up later) then marriage would be a bad move.
<p>You BOTH should leave your father and mother and become one flesh together with each other. (Gee, where did I read that?)
<p>Val