I have spent so many years trying to improve things and make things better for my spouse that I have lost myself. I have put so much effort into this and yet I now question whether or not I want it. I have been reading what you all say about your spouses and I see so much of myself in your writings. This scares me. I'm tired. I'm tired of being the strong one. I'm tired of being the one that is O.K. I'm tired of carring all of this on my shoulders. I'm just plain tired. Just when I thought I was near the end of my fight things have just exploded. The scary part is I believe there are more explosions to come. Bigger and more damaging explosions. I want to be strong but I question just how much I have left in me. I really don't know if anyone can help me. I just needed to get this out and right now didn't have anywhere else to turn. I just keep telling myself that this too shall pass. Now if I can just figure out when.

Steph,
<br>You have given a lot of us so much support. Don't give up on yourself. Maybe it's time to start taking some things for you.
<br>The most important person right now is YOU. Just because you're the only one trying, and O.K., does not mean that you have to forget yourself. Get some outside activities. Go out with friends.
<br>I know how tiring it is. I have not been at this nearly as long as you, and there are days (yesterday was one), where I just felt so tired of it.
<br>Don't despair. Get up and do something fun. Tomorrow is another day.

Steph, you've been such an inspiration to me, and I'm sure to others here on the forums ... it makes me sad that you are so tired.
<p>I wish there was something I could say to help make it better. My friend who was recently killed in a car accident had told me "you will know when it's time to decide." And if you think it's time to decide the next step, it probably is. I am thinking of you and wishing you happiness.
<p>terri

Thank you Bill and Terri. I've not given up yet. Maybe I'm just a glutten for punishment. A very good male friend sent me flowers to cheer me up. No he shouldn't have sent them but I didn't ask him to and on that particular day I was blamed for wrecking the marriage that I have fought for for over six years now. It was a down day but I am much too strong to let the evil forces win now. Thanks for letting me vent here.
<p>Steph

Steph,
<br> I just posted to you under another subject today. Again your are in the exact same position as my wife. The counsiler said that what had happened is that I looked after my feelings and so did Deb buy her thinking about what would I do if she said or did something that I may not like. What happened was no one was thinking about her feelings and she was lost in who she was. At first when she started looking at her feelings she began blaming me for evert hurt she ever had then became selfish and selfcentered which lasted all most a year. She is finally over the last 6 weeks become aware of this and explained to me that she dident feel good about it. I kinda thought that because thats not the type of person she is. It maybe a good idea to express your feelings as openly as you do here to your husband with out fear of what he says. My wife was so scared to say she was leaving because of all these things she thought would happen but dident. She has told me that things happened that she never expected and was glad that I've been so nice and caring rether than mean and bitter. Tell him what you think and be honest, its called being good to your self. Good luck.
<br> Ken

Steph--
<p>I'm sorry that you are going thru this. I also have gained so much from your posts. But I also have to agree with others, you NEED to start thinking about yourself. You may go from just being tired to a full blown depression. Don't let this feeling continue. You should be doing your PART in the marraige, but not ALL the work. Good luck talking ot your husband.