Following recommendations from several people, I ordered the book 'How to get your lover back' by Blase Harris. I received it on Wednesday, and read it in one evening. I have found it very useful, and it has given me a lot of hope. I have already started to change my behaviour, and I think it's making a difference.
<br>My situation is different than those described in the book, in that although I am separated from my husband, he has agreed to try again, and at the moment, I am not 'competing' with a new lover.
<br>Has anyone else applied the techniques described in this book, and has it made a difference to you?

Bev,
<br>I have tried looking in bookstores for the book. I have not found it, yet. Keep us posted as to how it goes.

Bill,
<br>Maybe you could ask your bookstore to order it for you? Or do what I did and order it over the internet. I do recommend it, as it does give some useful insights.
<br>It lists the common mistakes to avoid, which include: evoking pity, guilt, negative visualization (torturing yourself with mental images of your lover with the competition), making demands.
<br>I'd be interested to know if anyone else has used it, and if it has helped.
<br>Bev

Bev,
<p>I just finished the book over the week end. It has helped me in the sense of showing me things I need to avoid, like being too needy.
<br>As yet I cannot say more because so far all I'm trying to do is not create any negative situations at home. My wife is not giving me much interaction so I feel the best I can do right now is to just leave her alone and not show any bad reactions.
<br>I plan to buy her some roses today. I'm kind of afraid of that because as didtant as she's been towards me I can almost see her just taking them and putting them aside without much reaction. But I'm going to do it anyway.
<br>So I'd say the main help I've gotten from the book is to show me what to avoid.

Bev,
<br> you listed 2 things on what not to do, can you tell me more. Some one once told me that the best action is non action. Could you elaborate just a little on the book.
<br> Ken

I have put a brown paper bag cover on my copy of the book so I can read it and re-read it and not worry too much about my H seeing the cover (the author agrees that it might be counter productive for your SO to know that you are working from a book with a title such as that ). I have absolutely found that acting in a loving accepting fashion gets better *reactions* than when I get hurt and needy and act in any kind of negative fashion. As far as, has it actually helped my situation? I don't know. My H is adamant about leaving and insists that is what he must do. He has put money down on an apartment nearby and will be moving next week. He has never agreed to work on our marriage - says he thinks he will never feel the same way about me as he used to - on the other hand, he hasn't said he's absolutely certain it can't happen ... and he would say that if he was, I believe.
<p>At any rate, I love the book and believe that it can be helpful to anyone who is willing to remain in contact with his/her "lost" SO and can deal with the emotional stresses involved in behaving in a positive, loving fashion no matter what reactions it brings. I am hoping that I can use the techniques to bring my H back to me, but I am reading (voraciously) all kinds of relationship books (only ones that are trying to help keep marriages *together* - not ones who advocate for divorce in any way).
<p>I had the occasion to see and browse a bit through another book which looked good for separated people, or people whose spouses are in withdrawal and may *want* separation, such as Bruce has described in his situation. The book is called, "Should I Stay or Go?" subtitled: How 'Controlled Separation' Can Save Your Marriage, by Lee Raffel MSW - at Barnes and Noble it was $22.95. This book describes creating a formal, but not legal, "separation" agreement between spouses which describes the "rules" they have both agreed on. It can be used for "in-house" separations, such as it sounds like Bruce and his wife are doing, or actual physical separations, such as Bev describes her situation. One of the types of things that it addresses is visiting the spouse at home - will it be allowed at all? if so, under what circumstances? how often? how long? is sexual activity allowable? The author gives a lot of examples of things to put into it, and gives a sample of one in the book.
<p>It is felt that by setting the ground rules right from the start, that each spouse can show immediate respect and caring for the other first by agreeing to them, and then by abiding by them. I didn't read much past there, but I was thinking specifically about Bruce and a few others who have found that their spouses want them to emotionally distance themselves for a time, or even those who want to actually physically separate into different dwelling places.
<p>I hope this helps someone!
<p>terri

KenS,
<p>In a nutshell, the book tells you how to 'love' your ex lover back to you. It describes how the normal response to being rejected is to focus on your own feelings, your grief, anxiety, neediness. All this does is evoke pity and guilt in your ex lover, which will not allow love to come back.
<br>It tells you how to create positive shared moments together, and to use every contact with your ex as an opportunity to do this.
<br>Every time you feel like being needy, or expressing your emotions think about how this will affect your long term goal of getting your ex back
<br>This book has given me hope, in that it says that your ex fell in love with you once, so you know the chemistry is there.
<br>As soon as I started using these principles, I did notice an improvement in the way he was responding to me.
<br>However, I think part of the problem is that I am too impatient, and I want a response now. As soon as I don't get the response I want, I get discouraged.
<br>Bev

I guess I better get and read the book, quick. This was a bad weekend, and I evoked much of the things to AVOID mentioned above.
<br>Saturday at dinner (with friends) my W was a little nasty to me. I took it personally. Then, later, we went to a friends house to watch his video of the kids at a party that afternoon (I wasn't there, but my W was). Well, after watching, it appears so was the OG. I would not expect my W to tell me this, since we try not to revolve our conversation around him. Sunday morning I was kind of down, and asked for a little compassion in the form of a hug. DENIED. Outright. So, I left the house mad. Vented and raged alone. When I got back my W and I talked. I told her that I felt she was Pushing me out the door, when I am just trying to stay. She said that she does not know how to let me in.
<br>So, in one day I evoked Pity, and guilt. And had negative visualization.
<br>I'd better rush the order.
<br>

Ordered the book "How to Get Your Lover Back" and I'm anxiously waiting for it to come in. Perhaps there is someone out there who can give me a little hope. My ex-husband and I were only married for a total of 390 days. We have been divorced 3 months. We parted about 7 months ago. He wanted out not me and we haven't spoken since the court date to finalize our divorce. It's killing me and have no idea how he feels.
<br>I've been reading every relationship book I can get my hands on. Between the two of us we went through all the Love Busters and then some.
<br>When we first started our relationship we could have written the book on how to make a relationship work, we communicated and met each others needs -- heavenly only knows what happened, except for that Monday Nite Bowling Bimbo he met.
<br>IS THERE HOPE FOR US. OPEN TO ALL SUGGESTIONS.

I need advice on how to use the principles in this book. I dated a man for 2 years. He told me he doesn't want to continue the relationship because he "doesn't feel the same enthusiasm about seeing me as he used to." He is not sure where these feelings came from because he says we always had fun together, never ran out of things to talk about. His counselor told him it sounded like a good relationship. He is under a lot of stress (perhaps depression). But the problem is I don't see him. He doesn't live near me, doesn't work with me. How, when and how often should I contact him so I can use the principles in the book? I don't know whether he'd agree to be with me. Thanks.

Denise,<p>I too haven't been married very long (6 months or so) and we're having problems as well - our situations sound similar, although there is no one else in our picture (so far as I can tell).<p>Have you, or anyone else, read Give & Take by Harley? I've been told there are lots of examples that deal with newly married couples, I have it on order but it's taking FOREVER!<p>I also just bought "Light His Fire" but so far, everything I've read in it seems pretty far ahead of our situation, we're not in a very connected state right now so those tips may have to wait.<p>