Since I dont have the Blaise Harris book yet, I need to ask advice.
<br>Is one of the avoidance issues Jealousy and accusations?
<br>Yesterday my W said she was going to the library, and I saw her driving somewhere from across town.
<br>Then later, I found an unfamiliar number on her beeper. Should I inquire, or forget it for now?
<br>I still have to get the book. Thanks
<br>

Normally, yes, avoid jealousy and accusations. However, I'm not certain the issues you have are only jealousy and accusations. I'm going to stick my neck out here and say that you are probably afraid you are dealing with infidelity, right? Has your wife denied being involved with anyone else prior to this? If so, I'm thinking you may want to review this website for information about what to do if you suspect an affair.
<p>The Harris book is great once you *know* basically what is wrong with your relationship. If you are not sure if you are dealing with infidelity, that approach may not be what you need to use.
<p>I'm not trying to be negative - I think the Harris book is wonderful and makes fabulous suggestions - but I *know* my H is seeing another woman and is planning to leave me. I have a clear perception of what is going on with my relationship, and can take steps to avoid behaviors that soured my H's feelings toward me and use a very loving approach to my interactions with him.
<p>I hope this wasn't too confusing ... and I hope it helps.
<p>terri

You can use the Reverse Lookup website to find out whose number it is:
<p>http://www.infospace.com/_1_156710341__lycos.lycos/reverse.htm
<p>Enter the phone number you found on your wife's beeper and this web service will tell you whose number it is.

Parizade,
<br>I already checked. It's unlisted. Not unusual in my area.
<p>Terri,
<br>She had a brief affair (2 weeks) this past summer. But, when I found out, she said it ended. The OG is someone in town. Father/husband.
<br>So, I do have concerns.

Bill, unfortunately, with your suspicions and what looks like her suspicious actions, I don't think that the Harris concepts will help. I think you need to find out for certain if she is still having an affair - you won't be able to be loving toward her if you're continually beset by suspicions.
<p>Is there any way to sit down and talk to her about your suspicions without making them accusations? Are you able to communicate calmly and seriously about controversial or sensitive issues?
<p>This is just my opinion, of course. It is hard enough applying the Harris concepts when you *know* (as I do) that your spouse is seeing someone else - I don't know how you'd do it with unconfirmed suspicions.
<p>Sorry I couldn't be more help.
<p>terri

Terri,
<br>This morning I voiced my concerns. She said she would not do that, to her self especially. She is done with doing destructive things to herself. Of course, she still says she does not love me. And won't show me any emotion for fear of hurting me. So, on to the book.

Bill,
<p>If your wife has had an affair I know it has to be hard. But even if she hasn't it is still hard because your mind begins to think that she must have someone on the side if she is so consistent in refusing affection. From there it is very easy to think the the reason must be that she's giving it to someone else. Once this starts churning in the mental machinery it can take on a life of it's own. I've even suspected it of my wife, though I have never had any real reason to think it besides the lack of affection.
<p>The other day we had a good conversation. She was telling me about a couple she converses with on the computer whose relationship went sour. The wife has left and returned a couple of times. The husband got tired of it and had an affair.
<br>My wife told me that she thought it was a stupid thing to do, because, she said, when you have sex with another person you are doing more than just having sex. You are actually creating a bond. And that bond has implications which exceed the need for a release, companionship or affection. She told me some other things as well. In short I am amazed at her high level of discernment and sharp perceptions.
<br>Because she has not been very affectionate with me I was prone to think she could be doing the wrong thing. Now I can see that she isn't, which means I have to rethink how I perceive her. It was a very productive talk.