Over the past year, my wife, 29, has been going out with friends (younger, 22-25, single). She never invited me along, leaving me home to watch our son. Her excuse was that she needed an outside life to maintain her happiness and she believed that I needed one too. I always said it was OK but I really didn't mean it. During this time, she has gone through physical and emotional changes. Changes in clothing, jewlery, dropped from a size 14 to a size 4 etc.
<p>I began to check on her, check her pager, car phone, press redial on the phone to see who she was calling. etc, convinced she was cheating on me or at least testing the waters. She said that I was being stupid, jealous and there was no reason for me to be worried and that she loved me.
<p>Over this time, I had found out she liked to have close guy friends. She actually told me this. She literally went to movies, ballgames with guys, 1 on 1 and didn't think she was doing anything wrong. I began to think that I was not enopugh for her. I got extremely jealous and more compulsive into where she was going and what she was doing. I know I handeled this wrong.
<p>Well, She moved out a week ago. She stated that she didn't think she loved me anymore and didn't want to be married but she wasn't sure and needed time to sort things out. She said that she is asked a lot to go out with guys and she would like to but it makes her unhappy that she cannot because she is married.
<p>My confidence was shattered. Did my jealousy cause this? Was it that I allowed her this seperate life that caused us to grow apart.
<p>I have gotten some counseling to help me through this. Its been a tough time. I need to know what I can do to at least start over and show her that I am committed to making this marriage work and try to erase that scars that have resulted. Its hard when she isn't living with me anymore. I have got to show her that I have changed.
<p>What can I do?

I would definately continue your therapy.
<p>To me, It doesn't look like you did anything wrong. I don't think it is right for a wife to go to ballgames and movies with another man. Especially since you didn't find out until after the fact. I hope you get better advice, but IMHO she's wrong, not you.

kstedman,
<p>It's hard not to be compulsively jealous when you think your spouse is having an affair. But you're right in thinking that it's not the right way to handle things: it doesn't make you more attractive to her by doing this.
<p>Marriage is always a combined effort. You've made mistakes: your comment that you 'always said it was OK but really didn't mean it' is a big mistake. You weren't being honest with your wife.
<p>This site has a ton of good information to recover a marriage. I'd recommend getting a book or two here: Surviving an Affair is very good. Even if your wife hasn't had an affair yet, she's exhibiting classic signs that would lead her down that path. It would be good for you to both read it.
<p>To show her how you've changed, you're going to have to eliminate all your 'love busters'. Go over these 5 categories and figure out which are your worse ones. It helps if you can get your wife's input into this as well. You've got an uphill climb: you need to consistantly demonstrate that you can change, and you can't afford to slip up and let your old habits out at inopportune times. It will take some time for this to have a positive effect (more than a couple weeks), and you'll need to find a lot of patience to do it.
<p>A good way to focused on your changed behavior is with your interactions with your son. You don't say where he's living, but if he's not with you make sure to visit him often and be a loving presence in his life. Your wife may want to date lots of guys out there, but you are HIS father, and that's an advantage that none of these other guys have. Don't use it manipulatively; just be the best dad you can be.
<p>Good luck.
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