I am 29, my fiance 26 and I am questioning the engagement for several reasons:
<br>(1) We have a storied past. She and I started dating 2 years ago but did not date exclusively until about 7 months ago. She had been with another man for much of the first year we knew each other. I, hoping she would leave him, waited and only dated slightly on the side.My dream came true and shortly after their break up we were living together and then engaged. I have a fear that I wanted it to work so badly that I jumped into the commitment to get two things: what I had dreamed for and waited so long for, and to keep her from straying.
<br>In retrospect, I wonder if we needed more time
<br>(2) Over the time of the engagement her mood swings are prevelant and she does not divulge her problems. Often these mood swings accompany irrational behavior and fighting. She also has problems with our differences. Our arguements sometimes end with her stating that we are just different. Much of her angst is due in part to our differences.
<br>(3) We have not set a wedding date yet. After the engagement it seemed like a prudent thing to do. However, six months later its simply a stall tactic and a symptom of a problem.
<br>(4) I have trepidation about her drinking. She places a great deal of importance on partying and drinking. Sometimes she acts differently when intoxicated.
<br>(5) She told a friend that men won't speak to her 'cause she had a ring. Was this an observation or should it concern me?
<br>(6) For many months I interpretted her mood swings as signs of her wanted to get out of the relationship. There was always a sense of impending doom. Like a was waiting for the other shoe to drop. This was unhealthy and provided a great deal of question and pain. Most of these feelings are now gone. Probably because I am questioning the relationship myself.
<br>(7) Finally, I am questioning this myself. Whether it is one or a combination of the problems listed above, I am in doubt. To me these are the right questions to ask. However, I fear their answers and I fear the need to ask so many questions.
<br>Please furnish any insight you may have.It may shed light on the angst fear and pain.
<br>

I'll try to give you a few answers.
<br>But it sounds to me like you already have a bunch of problems, and marraige will make them worse, not better.
<br>When I was engaged I was PROUD to wear my ring and have it be seen. (not because it's size wither--it's a pretty modest ring) I was excited for all that it stood for and was not IN THE LEAST concerned that other guys would not talk to me. Don't set a date until you sort thru all this. Good luck

Hi Trent. Boy do I know what your talking about. Has she always been moody, or a family history of? I became engaged to a spunky little religious blond about 1 1/2 years ago. Great first 6 mos. Took her Calif, Disney, Rafting,etc. Except I did notice selfishness and mood swings. Little jealousy in 4th month. But I was head over heels. <p> Then week before E-day, found out about the Bipolar Disorder. Didn't know what it was, but the hot headed male I was, well things went on. I then moved us and that was when it hit(stress from it). The excessive moods, jealousy beyond, horrible words, hitting, especially the manipulation. I tried my best for the last year. Took her to the best doctors. She always took her meds before, however the new additional ones was NOT so easy. Trust me, its all or nothing. Also, if she is on a med and drinking, be extremelly careful since this is very dangerous.<p> Even became co-dependant myself. Who would have thought. It can happen to any of us; for I am a very successful person. I called the wedding off in the 8th month. I finally broke it off couple months ago. For now she is out of her episode, and wants me back with the passion. I think what kept my head above water was our godly vowes of abstenence even though we did live together. <br> Point is Trent, if you proceed, be cautious. As Dr. Schuler says, "Before marriage is when to have you eyes wide open and half shut afterwards". Find out if there is any mental disorders: ADHD, ADD, Bipolar, Schizo. Each man must decide what he can live with. Depression is one thing, mania is another. I wouldn't bring it up, but a couple phrases you remarked. <p> Seek some christian counceling for yourself. Not saying your in the same waters. I think my pastor said it best. "Two people who come together under the Lord must be happy to start, thats two".<br> God be with you!!! <p>[This message has been edited by rse (edited 11-10-98).]<p>[This message has been edited by rse (edited 11-10-98).]<p>[This message has been edited by rse (edited 11-10-98).]<p>[This message has been edited by rse (edited 11-10-98).]

Trent,<p> It's good that you ask these questions now - before you make the vows. (My wife and I had a "stormy" courtship too.) I don't think it's a sign of "incompatability", just a vivid indicator that you'll both need to work on your communication - and perhaps other issues - BEFORE you marry.<p> If you are in love with her, I think it would be wise to share your concern about the signs you are seeing, with an attitude of loving concern. Also, I just finished Dr. Harley's "Give & Take" and would heartily recommend it to get some points on negotiating.<p> You'll never find the "perfect" woman - just as she'll never find the perfect man. I think you can learn to live harmoniously, pleasing each other and meeting all of the other's needs, but no one ever said it was easy.<p> Read some of the stories here - just to see why it's important to work these problems out BEFORE going further.<p>Best of luck to youTrent!<p>Val

First off I would like to honor you for opening your eyes as someone said. Go with your gut that is telling you something is wrong...there is. MY personal red flags are the mood swings coupled with her drinking, if you are concerned about it, then there IS a problem.....wanting men to give her attention is another red flag, she is needing to fill something up in her, going to parties is a sure way to meet men and spells trouble. Her inability to communicate is another red flag. Sounds like a major drinking problem. And a person doesn't have to drink every day to be an alcoholic. Also, as a man stated, she could have a disorder that makes her want to self medicate, some alcoholics get misdiagnosed with mental disorders. I would venture to say, she would stray and we can't fix another person. Look at hher drinking problem, confront her if you really think it is unappropraite, if she gets very defensive about her drinking then you know that is the main problem. Just as the man stated earlier about being co-dependant, it can happen. I would recommend going to marriage counseling workshop that are put on by churches, and seek out meetings for people who are with or know alcoholics, if you go to one alanon meeting and hear their stories,and relate to them, then you know what you are in for. Loving is one thing, codependency is another. Please keep thinking. This is NOT a good relationship.JADE

Well first of all...be very thankful you have the awareness that you do. I am with the other woman who said that she was Proud to wear her ring. I was as well. I think I have an inkling as to where you are coming from. I was in the same situation as you with my fiance. We have known each other a long time but only have dated for the past year and 1/2. I knew something would come of us and I only dated other guys because I couldn't have him because he was also taken. I waited for him and when he gave me my ring, I felt as if my dreams had finally come true. I still feel that way. However, sometimes I think that during the time we spend obsessing over the person we have a tendency to place them high upon a pedestal and once the relationship ages a bit we realize that the person we built up in our head is not who we are actually with. I think the difference is that I feel my fiance has surpassed my expectations where I think you may be feeling just the opposite. If your fiance has mood swings and a drinking problem most likely this is a lifestyle that you are commiting to for a VERY LONG time (your whole life). I can't tell you what I think is right because I don't think there is a right answer. As much of a cliche this may be-go with your gut. It's usually the best guide. Praying and giving the problem to God (or whoever your guiding force may be) can also set you at ease. It always works for me and I'm not the religious type so to speak. Whatever you choose remember these are your choices and only you will have to deal with their repercussions. Good luck.