Ken,
<p>You asked me to look at myself and be honest with myself. I have done this everyday for the last six months. I have not shared alot of it here because I am the kind of person to make things better for others and keep my own hurt inside. Part of the reason my marriage is having problems. You asked me if any of what you say sounds familiar. My answer is YES. I'll spill my guts here, maybe it will help others and maybe it will only help me who knows. I just think the time has come.
<p>I am a fixer. If things are going wrong I fix them and make them right. I did this for my mom, my brother, my friends and anyone else you needed my help. I had several people tell me that I should go into counseling because I was always trying to help those around me. I was also extremely overweight. I never dated and I never thought I would get married. My first year at college I met my H. He was so handsome and so fun. We got engaged and married in six months from the day we met. We were very happy and I was glad to know that I had found someone who loved me for me in spite of what I looked like. Yes I had and still battle a low self esteem. After two months my H had to quit his job for school. This made me the soul support for our little family. I didn't mind doing this because I planned on being home when the children were little so I would then cash in on what I called my investment in his education. After awhile we decided to have children. We found out very quickly that I couldn't have children. Yes we went through what all couples that deal with infertility went through and I'm sure this did not help our marriage. I found myself doing things to help myself instead of helping us both. Well, in three years my H got out of school and got a job. This is when his depression really kicked in. They say he had it all along but because of little goals to meet (like graduating) he was able to keep his head above water so to speak. At this time we decided to try and adopt a child. Going through this was very hard on the old self esteeem. Why would anyone ever think you were good enough to raise their child. I started to notice my H going down and thought that I could pull him out of it. I started to take over doing things that he normally did to take pressure off of him. Because we didn't have children yet we both worked fulltime. I took over all yard work, all house work, paid the bills, and even did minor home repairs. In short he went to work and came home and slept. I thought I was helping him. Making it easier for him. After nine months we got a son, but because of the cost of the adoption I had to continue to work. What changes came from getting a son? I just got more work added to my load. One year later we had a miracle and I got pregnant. Now in under two years we had two children and I still needed to work fulltime. What changes came now? NONE. I watched my H go further down the hole. I also watched my life slip away. He wouldn't go out with friends anymore. Friends were not allowed over to our house. Family wasn't even allowed to our house. He wouldn't go to family parties. He wouldn't go anywhere. I am a very active and outgoing person. I love the outdoors and I love people. This isolation was killing me. About two years ago I realized where he was and that I was begining to be pulled in by him. I begged him to get help but he wouldn't. I decided not to be pulled in and so I started to go to things on my own. If I had to I would take the kids myself to everything. I would even take them camping alone. It was at this point that I started losing weight. I lost 80 pounds and boy did that feel good. I had a great self esteem and energy and a love for life. My spiritual self had also begun to grow and I felt that my life was almost complete. It wasn't because my H was not a part of any of this. One night he came to me and told me that he did not love me anymore. That he knew I had a life without him and things would be best if he just moved out and let me move on with my life. He thought I didn't love him anymore because I wasn't playing into his illness. I begged him to give us a chance that we could make it through this. I talked him into talking to someone about his depression and to give us another try. Two weeks later I got pregnant again, yet another miracle. He got on some medication but refused to go to counseling. Things seemed to be going better but I was still very guarded with my feelings. I was afraid of being dragged in. Three months later we got a computer and the internet. One month later he found pornography online. He would go to work and come home and be on the computer for the rest of the night. I didn't know what he was looking at but we had talked about pornography and got a blocker program for it. Little did I know that he knew how to disable the blocker. Nothing was improving but I didn't know what to do. When I was eight months pregnant I discovered what he had been up to. Was I crushed? You bet I was. He had been lying to me for weeks. I still was doing everything and I felt getting nothing, not even love, in return. He promised to stop but didn't so I thought I would teach him a lesson. I began chatting with people online but he didn't care because it got me off his back. I have made some wonderful friends online now that have helped me but it also made me see what I was missing. About now he decided that he had hit rock bottom and he went and got help. He went to his counseling and still goes and he thinks he is better. He still slips into it but for the most part he is getting better. Where does this leave me? I am afraid. Afraid to ask him for help because what if i put him back into his depression. Can I count on this change to be for good? And in the back of my mind there is still the threat of him leaving me because he has said before that he should. Do I have the energy to go through it again? Like I have said before I am tired. I have nothing left to give him and yet in order to survive I have to give. Do I have a wall built up around me? You bet I do. Can you blame me for that. I had at one point decided that enough was enough and that I was going to leave but I just couldn't do it. In my mind I have failed. I was not able to make him better. I was not able to solve this problem on my own. I am the one that failed. I don't know what I want. I don't know if I want him. I don't know if he can ever be well enough to be the kind of husband I need. He looks at me and says "I'm different now can't we just move on" (which is something alot of you here say) and I don't understand why he can't see that it took six years of widdling away at me that has gotten where we are and all that can not just be fixed in one month or even one year. My unhappiness took him by surprise just like most of you but instead of taking any of the blame he just thinks that I suffer from depression also. I might but my therapist doesn't think so and I tend to believe her over him on that. I want him to court me again. I want to feel that love for him again but I am so afraid to let down that wall. I have three kids to be well for and I can not get that down again. A month ago I decided to stay for the kids but when they were old enough I was out of here. Last night we had our first joint session. It was bitter but it was good. He is very defensive that he has any changing to do. I know that I have some to do. I also have six years of bad habits to overcome such as taking all the resposibilties on to myself. We have always had sex but never any affection. No hugging, no I love you, no holding hands and no kissing, just sex. We have a long way to go but I do still have hope. When he came to bed last night I pretended to be asleep and he sat and played with my hair, brushing it away from my face, and I could tell he was just looking at me. It made me feel that he was as scared as I was that things were as bad as they are. I could feel that he cared. Do I sound like your wife? I sound like alot of your wifes with the exception that I have been the one working on it and all by myself up to now. I have mixed feelings but I am not using them as an excuse to run. Running would not fix our/my problems and if I don't try and fix them here and now another relationship wouldn't be any better. This was a long post but it is the whole story.
<p>Steph

Terri,
<br>I think that my wife feels much the same way. She has told me that, except for the household fixups I do, she felt she did everything. She feels she did everything for everyone in the house, and now feels that no one has done anything for her. She resents me for this. Your are quite different, though, in that my wife was a SAH mom. She had time to do these things. Also, she never expressed her displeasure at doing these things.
<br>I can understand why you feel this way. Give it time. The problem with fixers (I am one too) is that we don't think things can be fixed by themselves.

Steph,
<br> God you sound so much like my wife and I like your husband when it came to doing family things like visiting relatives. I did have a second problem and that was drinking, once I started I dident want to stop and when we seperated I was drunk 7 days a week and saw where I was headed. I had been going to counciling and taking meds for about a year and things were better but not great but that may have a sympton of how me and the wife were getting along. Anyway I decided to go to church and ask God to help me. Two days later I found myself in an AA meeting I figured it was my message and have been there ever since. I have traded golf and drinking with church and AA. Its been 13 months since then and AA or any 12 step program is about being honest with one's self and improving from the inside out. It has given me self respect, a great relationship with God, my children and myself. My goal each day is to be the best person father and husband I can. I know my wife has built up walls and when I stay my distance they come down. When I see it happen I usally ask for a date or a kiss then she backs off but we do get along. I know I'm much better than I was a year ago because I work on it every day. My wife used to tell me I was too needy and she did not want to be responsible for my feelings any more, which she used to do and thats one of her problems.
<br>I now no longer call or push for more than she offers but I do favors if she asks without wanting something in return. I would just love to see how things would be if she would just give it an honest chance. I also still think shes in this midlife crises. Trying to do the things she used to before we married, trying to look younger and spending at the speed of sound the money I gave her for the equity in the house. Maybe when she's broke she'll realize what she's doing to this family.
<br> Ken

Bill,
<p>I have been a SAHM for about three years now but I run a daycare out of my home so on any given day I have seven children under the age of five in my home. I am and have given it time. One just wonders how much is enough?
<p>Ken,
<p>I find myself wanting to return to the days before we married. I think of the stuff that I missed. I got married at 19. Then I look into the faces of my three beautiful children and know that I have to be a good mom for them. I have to remain strong. Right now I could not afford to leave my husband and to be honest it may be the only reason I am still here. I hope to find more reasons soon.
<p>Steph