In my dream, my H was laying on a table in the living room, covered with a pale yellow sheet. He was dead, but I didn't want to believe it. I lifted the sheet from his face and kissed him. He lifted his arm weakly and touched my face. I told him I'd carry him wherever he needed to go, and I did just that. I carried him on my back, dragging his feet because he's so tall, but he wasn't heavy. I loved him so much. <P>When I woke up, I was never so happy to see him sleeping peacefully next to me. Things have been a roller coaster lately, but better over the last few days. I told him about the dream, and thought sweet thoughts about him all day. I want to take care of him, to end the pain I've caused him, to put "us" back together. I saw the OM today, and for the first time since going through this awful withdrawl, I didn't give a crap about him... not at all! All I wanted was to be at home holding my H. <P>Good day today

Oh, that gave me goosebumps - and sweet tears! Keep it up, nb. I'm so proud of you.<P>Lori

Isn't that cool! It was your subconscious mind processing your feelings. I think you are feeling very protective and caring for your husband, and for this I am so happy! <P>You have such insight for all of us, I am so glad you never left the forum. <P>God Bless You!<BR>

This dream changed my life... no kidding!<P>trust, I never considered leaving. My feelings basically can't be hurt these days, and I already know that what I did was wrong... so anything that could be said would probably be true anyway.

new, you sound like me...I never thought of leaving, always loved my H and knew it was wrong. I realized that I couldn't regain my closeness w/H if I didn't let go of the OM.<P>I didn't have a dream, though...I found our old emails to each other when we were first dating. So sweet....better than anything that silly OM had to offer <P>D*$# I love my H!!!!<P>Let's all say "I LOVE MY SPOUSE!"<P>Ok I'm silly...<P>Tracy<P>------------------<BR>"I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me."

That is so wonderful...You are giving me hope. I will keep you and your husband in my prayers.<P>Yipee!<P>------------------<BR>God bless you and all of us.<P>Samantha<BR>

I am so happy for you. I think you are on the right track. Good luck to both you and your H.<P>------------------<BR>You are in my thoughts and prayers.<BR>* Viki

Sometimes dreams can really make you wake up. I need a dream like that!<P>I think I had a breakthrough myself...my husband is away until Saturday visiting his family and I actually miss him. It's the first night since we moved 4 months ago that he's been away overnight. I missed having him around the house and I wished that he was around so that I could give him a big hug.<P>I hope these feelings last and grow stonger. I'm starting to get over the withdrawl for the OM. However, I will be seeing the OM on Friday for the first time in almost 3 months when I go visit my old office. I'm scared that I will end back at square 1.<P>I think that I will be okay seeing the OM...I'm just afraid of how he will react around me. I'm afraid of getting hurt by him again. <P>I know it's probably for the best that the affair ended, but I still wish he would tell me how much he misses me. It's almost like a closure for me. If he doesn't say anything about how he misses me I will truly move on, but it will hurt me terribly. But, on the other hand if he does say he misses me I will have a hard time moving on. I think either way I will be hurt.

First of all, n_b -- I wanna say that I'm really jealous of you! Damn I wish I could rediscover love for my wife like that!<P>Holly, I really think you should NOT go to your old office!! Repeat - NOT go to your old office. You're just asking for it! You know that right? It sounds like you know that but you are going anyway. And if you absolutely cannot get out of it, you MUST avoid the OM at all costs! I know exactly what you are going through!! I never had closure with my OW either. I always think that she must still be missing me and I even wish she would send me an email or something saying she did. But I know (as you do) that would just make matters worse. You and I, we'll never get the kind of closure we want.<P>--andy<p>[This message has been edited by airheart (edited September 01, 1999).]

nb,<BR>It does my heart good to hear these kind of things. I am so glad that you have the feelings for your husband that you do. Keep up the great work and thak you for sharing your dream with us. It gives people hope for thier marriages, glad you did not leave.<BR>I wish so much that my wife would feel the way you do....

Andy--<BR>I knew somebody would tell me not to go to the office...and you would probably know more than anyone that it's for the best.<P>As of now I have a meeting with my old boss (I'm doing some counsulting for him). So, I have a reason to be there. I also have a lot of other friends that I really want to see.<P>I know you're right...I know I shouldn't go and see him...I'm just so curious! I want to see him one last time. Part of me still wants him to choose me, even though I don't know if I want him anymore. <P>I do know that I want the chemistry and attraction that I had for the OM back. I want that with anyone. Since I'm not getting that with my husband right now, the easy way out is to get it from the OM. <P>I should be the one to make the decision...I'm letting him make the choice about how we act around each other. I would probably feel much better about myself if I was the one who made the decision not to see him.<P>Part of me is in denial. Although I say things are getting better with my husband and I'm getting over the withdrawl, part of me still wants the OM. It's just getting easier to be without him.<P>I still don't know what I'm going to do, I probably won't know until I pull up to the parking lot of my old office...I might end up turning around! Send me some bad vibes around 11:30 am Friday to NOT go in the office...I'll let you know if it works!<P>I hope you start rediscovering love for your wife again. Mine comes and goes for my H.

Holly -- it's funny how you worded it - that you have a "reason" to be there... maybe you meant "excuse"? <P>Fess up. You WANT to see the OM. You're looking forward to it. You're actually a little EXCITED that you'll be seeing him... I know EXACTLY how you feel. Believe me, I'm not trying to be hard on you... cuz I know. I know.<P>Holly... Pam. Try to think about him too. You know that he's gonna hurt seeing you. Sure, maybe he's not 100% into his marriage right now, but he's committed to making it work. Seeing you isn't only gonna throw you for a loop. It's gonna throw him for one too.<P>So anyway, what time zone are you in, so I know when exactly to send those bad vibes your way. <P>--andy

I guess I did mean excuse! You can see right through me!<P>Yes, I want to see him...yes, I'm looking forward to it. That's probably the reason the withdrawl has been so much easier to handle lately.<P>I think you're right about it being difficult for the OM to see me. Looking back on everything I think what he liked best about me was my physical appearance. (Not that I'm some goddess or anything...but more so than his wife.) In my own sick little mind I think that if he sees me again he won't be able to help himself! (You must think I have a big ego now!)<P>It was probably much easier for him to get over me knowing that he would never see me...where I had a more difficult time because my connection to him was more emotional.<P>Besides, he knows I'm going to be in the office...if he really doesn't want to see me he can take the day off! (okay, I'm getting cruel now...but it feels better than crying over him!)<P>By the way...I live in North Carolina, my old office is in New Jersey...so eastern time zone!

Holly, I know all about the appearance thing. My OW told me that I was her "perfect type". If she would've designed a guy, I would be what he would look like. And I don't have an ego either. Those were her words. And every time I accidentally bump into the OW somewhere in the halls, I have those same thoughts... certainly now she won't be able to resist emailing me!<P>I'm so so glad I'm starting a new job and that my last day here is this Friday. These are terrible terrible mind games we play on ourselves, girl!!<P>I wish your husband would read this thread, cuz then maybe he'd get the idea of what you want. I see it creeping out in your posts. You're unconciously saying all the stuff your OM gave you that your hubby doesn't!!<P>I'm on the west coast, so I'll be sending you those bad vibes at 8:30am my time. <P>--andy

Andy--<BR>It's only been 4 hours since posting to you about seeing the OM...now I'm suddenly not as confident about seeing him as I was before.<BR>I'm scared of falling in love with him all over again...part of me really wants to.<P>I haven't had the desire to pick up the phone and call him like I used to, probably because I know I'm going to see him soon. Then, just a few minutes ago, I had a sudden urge to call him...I really do miss him!<P>You said I'm unconsiously saying all the stuff the OM gave me that my husband doesn't...what am I saying, it's so unconsious that I can't even figure it out. <P>My husband has been trying more lately and it has been improving things overall...the problem I have is that for some reason the things my husband says don't mean as much to me as when the OM says them. Does that make sense? I feel horrible, because all along I've been saying that my husband needs to fulfill my emotional needs and even when he does it's still not as good as when the OM does. <P>Why do I feel better hearing flattering things from the OM than from my own husband? I think I feel that the OM means them more than my husband. Maybe it's because the OM offered them voluntarily where I had to pull them out of my husband.<P>Holy Cr*p...I'm listening to radio and my wedding song just came on...it's NEVER on the radio! Do you think someone is trying to tell me something or what! It's kind of like new beginnings dream...what this whole post was about in the first place.

Holly -- Whew!!! I'm glad you're scared. You really should be. I think you should figure out some way to meet your ex-boss away from the office. Maybe a lunch meeting or something. And maybe you can meet your other friends after work for drinks or something. If you tried hard enough, you can do that.<P>You just CAN'T trust what you would do. You're basically untrustworthy to yourself.<P>You've figured out what it is that the OM gives you without anyone telling you. He gives you admiration. You feel beautiful around him. Not so much around your hubby. I know you think it's being forced out of your hubby, but think about it this way -- he's DOING it, right? He's actually doing it now. That means that he really DOES care. It's something he's totally not used to doing, but he's willing to do it anyway. That should make you feel pretty darn special.<P>--andy<BR>

holly and airheart - woe to you who have invaded my happy story!! hahaha<P>I know how you feel about the withdrawl and having and wanting to see the OP. All I can say is that I can't beleive how much less I'm needing, wanting, and desiring to see the OM. Do I have a secret wish to find him lurking in some dark corner so I can grab him? Sometimes, yes, I still do. And my own husband said his W (actually they aren't married, been living together 8 yrs. common-law wife, I guess)anyway, my H says she's a dog, very homely. How sad is that? I would sometimes think how could he not choose me over her, I look so much better... how selfish and hateful!!! I'm in a different place from you guys because I still work with the OM and will most likely continue to do so, at least for awhile. What changed for me was how I felt about my H. My H is gorgeous, even with 40 pounds off his 6'2" body. He has a tender heart. He is a beautiful man in many ways. If we don't make it, it won't be for lack of trying on both our parts! <P>Talk to you two later...

new beginning--<BR>Sorry to invade your territory. <BR>How long have you been in withdrawl again? It sounds like you are really over the OM...it must feel good to know even if you still see him your feelings for him have faded.

I like this thread because it gives me hope.<BR>Holly, right now I'm feeling much like you are. I know it will get better with time. This thing you said about when your OM says something it sounds so much better than your H. I'm there so often! I'm working so hard at changing that! Hang in there!

Don't get me wrong... I'm not TOTALLY over the OM, it's just that my H has THANKFULLY become more important than the OM. You understand what I mean, I'm sure. And my H and I aren't doing wonderfully well on the marriage front either, but we're doing SO MUCH BETTER. This is a change in my HEAD, not an actual change of cirucmstances. Yes, it's over with the OM. And yes, I love my H more than I thought possible - considering. No, I do not feel like I love the OM, but at times I miss having him in my life. The affair lasted 3 months, and it's been three months since it ended. I guess that's about normal for withdrawl to settle down. I just don't want to sound like I'm some perfect person or anything... it has been HARD, HARD, HARD and has truly been the most painful thing my H and I have EVER gone through (which says alot considering we have a child with a disability, wasn't breathing when he was born...). If my story brings some hope, I'm happy. It gave ME hope!!