Dare I hope? I told you all that I had started to follow the advice in the Blase Harris book, and I had noticed that things had started to improve.
<p>Well, I emailed my husband, asking him how I could regain his love. Here are some extracts from our emails. The reply to the last paragraph has given me the most hope.
<p>Me: How do I regain your love? Please forgive me for repeating myself, I know we've gone
<br> over this a thousand times. I think that the times we have spent together on Saturday,
<br>Sunday and yesterday have been the most positive ones we've had since all this happened.So really, we've only just started. I really enjoyed being with you and I think you enjoyed being with me more than you have done in the past couple of months.
<p>Him: Yes I agree. You have started to focus on something other than yourself.
<p>Me : On Sunday, you talked about emotional scars, and how they had been re-opened by what happened on Monday & Tuesday of last week. Do you see this emotional healing having to take place before you can love me again,before you can allow yourself to love me? Is the healing helped by us spending 'quality' time together like on Saturday and yesterday?
<p>Him: I do not know. There are many scars. I do not know if their healing is what is
<br>blocking it. Healing is helped by you being a normal person. Love can only grow.
<br>Up to now you have ensured that there was nowhere for it to grow. It has been very hard on me. Over the last few days things have been better. But I am scared about how you will behave whilst I am away. I am worried you will revert back to how you have been.
<br> Please take this time as a chance to be independent, to define yourself as a person, to strengthen yourself. You have depended upon me for so much for so long that you have
<br>lost much of yourself. It is partly my fault, but when I tried to stop the behaviours you would react badly. So I think the break will be good, you should see it as an opportunity.
<p>Me : How do you see the love growing? By building on what we have achieved in the last
<br>few days?
<br>Him: Yes
<br>
<br>Me: Have the last few days been the start of that, me providing a place for it (the
<br>love) to grow.
<br>Him: Yes
<p>Me : I just want you to know that I believe that I can make you happy, and I will wait
<br>for you. That if we do get back together, that we will love each other in a way that
<br>neither of us thought possible before, that our relationship can be stronger and more
<br>fulfilling than it ever was.
<br>Him: It is what I hope for.
<p>
<br>

Bev,
<p>You say, dare I hope? From these e-mail excerpts I'd say you have every reason to hope. Your husband is not being evasive or cryptic. He is giving you clear answers to your responses. To me this puts you well ahead of those of us whose spouses will barely respond to us. It sounds to like if you remain consistent in reforming yourself that you have a new relationship to look forward to. And I'm very glad for you.
<p>In my own case, while I can't say my wife and I are on the clear communication level of you and your husband (though our communication isn't bad), I can say that I have gotten more positive responses out of her in this past week. I know the reason is because I've taken advice from the book seriously and have made concrete efforts to be non-adversarial and also to occupy myself with things that show I'm not letting our marital situation incapacitate me as a person. It really has helped.
<p>Now let's stay the course. I know you can do it. Take care.

Bruce,<p>Thank you for your support. I suppose my main problem is that I get discouraged because things aren't changing quickly enough.<br>I just have to remember that it has taken several years for my husband to fall out of love with me, and that at least he is willing to try. <br>He has told me that he is not the type of person who would waste his time, so he wouldn't be doing all this if he thought we would fail.<br>Now I've just got to get through the next 5 weeks. He is going on a round the world trip (business meetings and conferences), which is why he mentions that I should use the time he is away to become more independent.<br>thanks for listening<br>Bev

Bev,<p>Yes, I really understand getting discouraged because things don't happen fast enough. I do the same thing. It especially bothers me when one day things seem to go pretty well and the next it is as if they never happened. But I'm finding that in these cases I am my own worst enemy because I begin to think of and magnify things in my mind that my wife is not really thinking.<p>A good note, and reason not to let that mood prevail. On my way home from work I usually start to prepare myself mentally not to look for much affection from my wife.<br>Yesterday I walked in the door and, as usual, my wife was on the computer. I wasn't in the house for 2 minutes when she got up and gave me a hug and a kiss. Mind you I've gone an entire week without either. And the thing is I could tell she meant it. I stood there somewhat shocked. In fact I said, "Gee, I'm shocked." <br>She said she wasn't even sure why she did it but that she wanted to. Hey, I'll take it. Needless to say it made me feel great and even more determined to continue the course.