All,
<p>Most here are aware of my marital situation. I am trying to win my wife back by being non-confrontational, among other things.
<br>But what if an argument arises that has nothing to do with the marital issues that have occupied you so much? You don't want to be confrontational yet you know it is not good to simply let yourself be characterized falsely just to keep peace. I would like to know how others handle it.
<br>To wit, this morning my wife made snide remarks about how I wait until the last minute to put my clothes on before I go to work. I have a routine. I iron my clothes the night before so that when I get up I have as little to do as possible. I like to do stretching exercises and I also trim my hair and beard every morning. Because of these things it makes sense to me to put my clothes on after I've done the other stuff. I don't want to stretch in my clothes or get hair on them.
<br>In my computer work I cover three sites, all of which are at differing distances but none farther than 35 minutes away. Which one I go to that morning determines what time I leave home and how I conduct myself. If I'm going to a site 12 minutes away I take a little more leisure, and so on. I have explained this to my wife but she doesn't seem to have heard me.
<p>She said she reacts that way because her father always got up bright and early and was ready to go.
<br>Now, if I told her that I felt she should conduct herself a certain way because of something my mother used to do I gaurantee you that I'd be told exactly where to get off. I could also point out that...
<p>1) I'm not your father.
<br>2) Your father had a 90 minute commute.
<p>Also, my wife was in the bathroom a long time which prevented me from using it. She said that was because she had to iron the kid's clothes, which was an indirect way of telling me I could have done that.
<br>I have told my wife many times that if she would get their clothes out the night before that I would be glad to iron them when I ironed my own. She has yet to take me up on that. I would pick the clothes out myself, but she is more familiar with what they like to wear, and I have picked them out before only to have her change them. So I figured she should pick them out and let me iron. If she just cut computer time by 5 or 10 minutes she could have the clothes picked out. But if I pointed that out it would be another argument.
<br>When I get up in the morning I know exactly what I need to do and how fast I need to do it to get to work on time. I am never late for work. Yet she acts as if I don't know what I'm doing.
<p>I feel that though she has had legitimate grievences against me (and the behavior which was the source of that I'm changing rapidly) that does not give her the right just say anything about me.
<br>I'm relating this to see how others in similar situations handle it. Because I'm trying so hard to be non-confrontational, I have a hesitency about defending myself when I can clearly see that she is wrong. I believe it would be showing no respect for myself and totally unhealthy to just accept wrong evaluations of myself. And I have no intention of doing so. Yet I want to handle it in a manner that vindicates me while keeping friction to a minimum. I already know what direction I want to head in on this, but I just want to see how others might be handling it. Thanks in advance.

Bruce,
<br> Sit your wife down and let her know what she is doing to you. I havent read your other post so i dont know the history of your situation, but i can read between the lines. You sound as if your feelings are hurt and it sounds like she is at the anger stage. She has in her mind, to say anything and it doesnt matter if it hurts you.
<br> Let her know that you are who you are and you cant be her father. If you two want to stay together, then some changes need to be made.
<br> It sounds like you are the one holding your tongue and she is the one with the sword.
<br>Good luck
<br>

Bruce,<p>If I can stick my few cents in (like you could stop me ) It sounds to me like your wife is upset about some issue she hasn't admitted to you. When you get up, how fast you get dressed, etc. are not the stuff "real" arguments are made of. It sounds like she is PO'd at you about something, but your (normally not aggrevating) habits are "setting her off".<p>I feel the same way often. While I may be upset about my sexual needs being met, I don't complain about that, but I walk around mad all day (week, month, etc.) but when she leaves her socks in the legs of her jeans, (and I wash the clothes) that triggers a comment from me. Sounds like the same with your wife. Are you SURE you are meeting all of her needs? Have you asked? (Would she honestly tell you?)<p>Just questions.....<br>Val<p>[This message has been edited by V (edited 11-06-98).]

Bruce,<br>I guess I tend to think that there can be issues in marriage that seem very trivial and can become major problems in and of themselves. Even one of the Harleys books talks about annoying habits and how to deal with them. In my case we both (my wife and I) have expectations of one another that we should not have. My wife is a procrastinator,and I am a get it done (obsessive) person. This leads us into conflicts against each other about issues that really are our own and do not affect the other. This sounds like the case with you. If what you are doing has no effect on her routine then she should let it go. You should be clear that this conversation with her about this is "outside the context" of whatever major issues you are dealing with. If you are working the program in all areas to the best of your ability then you neednt be a noodle about things. Just tell her, otherwise there may be problems later with her sort of expecting that you will be anoodle in all areas and that does not create a healthy marriage environment. <br>In our case we actually use our counselor to mediate some of these silly things. We must be careful not to be simply trying to "win" the counselor to our side but rather to present a balanced story, both of us present, and ask for suggestions. When we have done this it has delighted the counselor, and maybe you should also take delight, that we are getting past the black hole and dealing with the smaller issues. Its been very good. Hope I said something helpful, even if its just I know what you mean.

Bruce,<br>I guess I tend to think that there can be issues in marriage that seem very trivial and can become major problems in and of themselves. Even one of the Harleys books talks about annoying habits and how to deal with them. In my case we both (my wife and I) have expectations of one another that we should not have. My wife is a procrastinator,and I am a get it done (obsessive) person. This leads us into conflicts against each other about issues that really are our own and do not affect the other. This sounds like the case with you. If what you are doing has no effect on her routine then she should let it go. You should be clear that this conversation with her about this is "outside the context" of whatever major issues you are dealing with. If you are working the program in all areas to the best of your ability then you neednt be a noodle about things. Just tell her, otherwise there may be problems later with her sort of expecting that you will be anoodle in all areas and that does not create a healthy marriage environment. <br>In our case we actually use our counselor to mediate some of these silly things. We must be careful not to be simply trying to "win" the counselor to our side but rather to present a balanced story, both of us present, and ask for suggestions. When we have done this it has delighted the counselor, and maybe you should also take delight, that we are getting past the black hole and dealing with the smaller issues. Its been very good. Hope I said something helpful, even if its just I know what you mean.

All, <p>Thanks for your responses. I think the matter has somewhat resolved itself. My wife did not say anything about it but I could tell by her actions that she regretted it.<br>She has admitted that she still has some mental imagery of me that comes from bad times in the past. She said it will simply take some time to get rid of it.<br>For my part I just intend to concentrate on the sort of consistent behavior that shows that the past is truly in the past. And even though I didn't like the disagreement that brought this out (I felt like it was petty)it is not as hard to deal with because my wife doesn't do this often. I just chalk it up to being part of the fallout from the problems we've had.<br>The fact that these things look as if they're being worked out make it all easier to deal with.

Bruse - Am writing you back here instead of my other message bc I have let H read postings and I dont know if I am ready for him to read this! I know that this is not doing well with the total honesty bit, but I can't help it. Reply back to this one, if you want.<p>He came home yesterday thinking he had pinched a nerve pulled a muscle in his lower back (his butt to be precise). Anyway, I carried him to the dr. and he was immediately put in the hospital for an absess in his gluteus muscle and they went ahead with surgery. My point is this -- while I was waiting for him to come back to recovery and then sitting with him in his room, I felt very guilty bc I did not feel more worry or grief for his pain. It was almost like I didnt care. While he was sleeping from the meds, I was just itching to leave.<p>This, I think, scares worse than anything else so far. Maybe I am just saying that I want to fix my marriage bc it is the "right" thing to say and maybe subconciously I really dont want to be married to him at all. Am I just "trying" (half-heartedly) bc everyone will expect me to try??<p>What a screwed up mess we put ourselves into!!<p>Maria