Any suggestions, sort of on a downer I got the last phone bill from when my wife was home and did a revesse lookup of a number I figured was her boy friend. There it was name and address, I have never felt this much anger, I wanted to go to the house and beat him to an unreconizable condition then leave some pictures of the family that he is helping destroy. I want to call him so bad to tell him what he's doing but feel that would just make my wife more distant than ever before. How the hell do you get rid of this pain? Its lasting way too long and could use some insight, especially from woman that have left their husbands and then wanted to get back. What changed your mind.<br> Thanks, Ken

Im sorry that you feel so terriable Ken. Keep in mind that it isnt the "other"mans fault. Its your wifes also. Something drove her to him. It may of not been something big, but something made her look the other way. <br>If you love her, and want her back, you need to tell. Maybe in a letter, email. something. You are right, blowing up in front of them is NOT the answer, you willl make her VERY distant. Try to move on and let her SEE that you have moved on. Then she will see that she doesnt have this grip on you. Right now, she knows she can hurt you b/c you are taking it. Continue to work, do projects. Maybe you could invite her over on a date, cook her dinner. Do something that she always wanted you to do...like cook or clean the place up. Your going to have to prove yourself now, wether you like it or not. I wish you well but please remember, anger isnt going to bring her back. She IS thinking of you...and probably often..dont give her any reason to stop..

Dawn,<br> Like the Dr says a person that would get involved with a married person has some charector flaws that my wife will see sooner than I think. He does live 60 miles away so they dont see each other that often for her to see any flaws she just wants to see him more. Your last sentence was something that made me feel good, I just wish I could belive it, Thanks..........Ken

By the way should I move on like you said or tell her I love her and invite her over for dinner. She wont go out with me and has a hard time just being around me because I think she feels guilty. She cant look me in the eye, when she does look at me and I look back she will turn her head. Damm its been a long time waiting for a real kiss and hug from the woman I love so much. I should hate her by now shouldent I?

No you shouldn't hate her - you love her - this is the woman you married. Don't feel wrong for your loving feelings. It is FINE. I divorced my ex for many reasons that I felt needed to continue with life - but I can sit here and tell you that the love I felt for him does NOT go away. And you don't have to make it go away. Time plays a big part in all this. It will take her time to see what she is missing with a very loving husband. It will take her time to REALLY miss you. I agree that she IS thinking of you. She has to be. Marriage and feelings just don't go away. People may not admit them - but the love you had is there. Whatever the problem was with your marriage that caused this will come to focus sometime and she will SEE that. It sounds like she turns her head because she does not want to see the hurt she is putting you through. If she is hurting for you then you must know that she does still love you deep inside. Or it would NOT hurt her. I wouldn't PRESSURE her for a date or dinner; take your time and let her take her time - I believe from the sounds of her actions and emotions she loves you and will be back. I don't know the advice, but have many friends this has happened to and the sooner she thinks you are moving on with your life; the more of a threat that she may LOSE you hits her. Thats when a lot of people realize what they really want - when THEY risk losing the other person. I would definitely let her know that I love her and that you truly want your family to be back together - but I wouldn't push her too hard. Maybe some space and time is all she will need. I think she still loves you.

No you shouldn't hate her - you love her - this is the woman you married. Don't feel wrong for your loving feelings. It is FINE. I divorced my ex for many reasons that I felt needed to continue with life - but I can sit here and tell you that the love I felt for him does NOT go away. And you don't have to make it go away. Time plays a big part in all this. It will take her time to see what she is missing with a very loving husband. It will take her time to REALLY miss you. I agree that she IS thinking of you. She has to be. Marriage and feelings just don't go away. People may not admit them - but the love you had is there. Whatever the problem was with your marriage that caused this will come to focus sometime and she will SEE that. It sounds like she turns her head because she does not want to see the hurt she is putting you through. If she is hurting for you then you must know that she does still love you deep inside. Or it would NOT hurt her. I wouldn't PRESSURE her for a date or dinner; take your time and let her take her time - I believe from the sounds of her actions and emotions she loves you and will be back. I don't know the advice, but have many friends this has happened to and the sooner she thinks you are moving on with your life; the more of a threat that she may LOSE you hits her. Thats when a lot of people realize what they really want - when THEY risk losing the other person. I would definitely let her know that I love her and that you truly want your family to be back together - but I wouldn't push her too hard. Maybe some space and time is all she will need. I think she still loves you.

Ken,<p>I think you will still hurt until you know which way this is going to go. Right now you are in limbo and you can't let your feelings heal or change because you are not sure what they will need to heal from or change to. I wish you luck. My prayers are with you.<p>Steph

Cndy,<br> Damm I wish I could belive you. She does not show it by going out with other guys thats for sure. Thank you for the comforting words, its just that people allways say give it a little time. To me a little time is 6 months or so. its over a year! What is little?

Ken, <br> I think that you are right, in that its been over a year. She may be thinking of moving on or maybe she is waiting for you to "prove" that you still love her. Some woman, you can say you love them till your blue in the face but they need to be shown. <br> I would call her up and ask her to come over, tell her you have something you'd like to show her.<br> Have a nice dinner prepared, look and smell irrisistable....soft music..then when she comes in ask her"would have dinner with me?"<br>I doubt she would turn you down, since you went through so much trouble. Then you could gradually talk durind dinner. Ask her how she's been and then maybe ask her where you stand in her life. <br> If you can just get her alone and have a serious talk, maybe you can find some answers to your question. <br> I agree with cndy on why she turns her face. She STILL loves you but for some reason, she doesnt want you to know that yet....

Dawn,<br> I love your suggestion but I feel it would be putting pressure on her and make her feel guilty if she said no. I'm trying to do what she has asked me for and that is dont pressure her and let her find her own way. She asks that I let her come to me, what ever that means. I cant understand why you and Cndy both think she still loves me. To me if she loved me why would she continue to put me thru so much emotional pain. What is this a test? Thanks, Ken

Dawn,Cndy,and anyone else.<br> Could you please explain why you feel my wife still loves me. I do know that she is comfortable not having to deal with my feelings and I think she's afraid of getting hurt, could that be it. She also has a hard time being at the house when she comes over. Like she cant get out fast enough. Oh when I told her I was dropping the divorce she told me she was in no hurry but had to end it with so I'll still have medical benifits. Any time she does something for me she has to mention why she's doing it, like I did it because you helped with this or that. to me it seems like theres some reason for the replies I get from her. Either theres something there and she doesent want me to know OR she dosent want me to get false hope. Her Mom told me that she never mentioned that I dropped the divorce. I would love to get some womans intuition to help me figure this out.<br> Ken

KenS - In answer to your question (and I may not be the best one to answer this) - I feel like she still loves you because I DO NOT believe that people fall out of love. I just don't think it happens. If you love someone; you love them. Period. Things, feelings, emotions, affairs, whatever may get in the way and distract those feelings, but I just can't see it happening.<br>(for instance, with my ex of a 10 yr marriage which was destroyed due to his other women, games, his drinking, etc) - they all got in the way. But to this day; I still love him. And I always will. <br>I think she loves you and something or SOMEONE is in the way right now. Hopefully, before you end up divorced (and I think its great you dropped the divorce) whatever it is thats in the way will get out and you two can move on with your life. I pray for you that it happens. That didn't happen for me and I went thru with my divorce and have regretted it (as I got older and matured and realized I should have waited it out even if it DID take the YEARs it did for him to change). <br>If you can handle it mentally, stick it out!

Ken,<p>This is just my opinion. I would imagine that your wife qualifies everything (I did this because) because it is a way to not be indebted to you. She doesn't want to feel like she owes you anything and doesn't want you to feel like you owe her anything. It is a way to keep things separate. I agree with you that she is afraid of being hurt. It could be that things went to far for her. She probably does still love you. She may even think that you are a great person and a wonderful father. In the same instance she can also believe that she can not be with you again. All I can compare it to is your alcoholism. Some people can drink and handle it ok. They have it once in awhile and do fine. Others can't drink at all because it is a problem. Alcohol is not a problem by itself but together with that persons personality it is a bad combination. She is recovering from a relationship that was not good for her. I know you have changed and that she has even admitted to some of your changes but as a wife in this situation it is hard to look at it and think that the changes are for good. She may not be willing to take that risk again. A glance into my own world. I started to let down the wall only to see that his depression is back in full force, even on meds. I'm not saying that is it unlikely that she will ever come back. The fact that she is not pushing the divorce is a good sign. She mays say it is for insurance but that is just to protect herself. She seems to be waiting on you to see how permanent the changes are. I think you need to decide (and I think you have) if you want to keep trying with her or move on. If you want to keep trying then it is going to be a matter of being consistent and taking the hints from her as to how far you can push it. It may take a long time. The wall didn't get built over night or even in two years I would imagine. My prayers are with you as always. <br>Steph

Steph and Ken - I can relate to the alcohol thing maybe being a REAL big scary part for her as I can relate to that one myself also. After 9 yrs and 2 children, I too, gave up on my husband EVER changing due to alcohol. He drank so much that some nites I didn't know if he was coming home. Sometimes he didn't for 2 nites. On our 9 yr anniversary we went out and I couldn't find him. We had rented a hotel room and so I went to the room to phone my sister. There I found him in the bed with another woman (a friend of mine). Two days later he "claims" he doesn't remember the entire situation (probably didn't) and doesn't know if they DID anything or not. After many tears and dropping about 30 pounds; I couldn't mentally handle it anymore and had him leave. I filed and I divorced him. That was 9 Long, hard hears ago. Once or twice we almost reconciled; on few occassions got together and went out (I always loved him) but the drinking took over and I realized how much more stable I was without it and the worrys it brought me for myself and my kids. I built a serious wall of doubt with him and went my separate way. I remarried 6 years ago, Within the last two years, my ex FINALLY decided to change. He stopped drinking. He started being a GREAT dad. (He coaches both the boys in sports). He get them every other weekend and even comes to ALL their school functions, EVERYTHING. He dated, he married, and he divorced (drinking agaiin) - so he has been thru a lot. Maybe thats what made him change. I saw him last nite (it was our sons - me an dmy ex - 9th grade football banquet) and it hurts me to this day to see him SO MUCH BETTER and the person he is now. Why? Because I am remarried now and I cannot be with the person I loved from day one due to his faults. He doesn't have those faults anymore (like you don't) and he has changed. Still I wonder in my mind if he will ever turn back the way he was - but I can tell you Ken that the love NEVER died for me. It just hurts more now because he is NOW who I married and wanted to stay married to 15 years ago. <br>My point? I can see her confusion to thinking that your change is permanent. WHAT IF always stays in the back of your mind. It did mine. But also if she LOVES you like I did - hopefully she will stick it out long enough to wait for time to go by and realize you have changed for good. At least you two still have the opportunities and changes to be a family. I don't.

Thanks ladies, from the sounds of what you said I guess she still loves me but not as a husband and at this moment is looking to move on. At least thats the way it appears to me and I feel like I'm at the end of my emotional rope. If I only knew things were going to get better it would be so much easier to wait around. Maybe I should move on and look for someone else and if I find someone then I guess thats what was ment to be. My only problem with dating is that I know I'll be settling for 2nd best. Its been that way every time I've gone out with someone. I fear a new relationship because I could hurt someone else if my wife chose to come home. What a ****ty situation to be in.<br>CNDY- how long was it before you noticed your ex was doing well?<br>Steph- I sometimes feel that your right that she has just made up her mind to move on and thats that. She runs on emotions and feelings. She's also very stubburn when she makes up her mind and she's also one of those that are too proud. She has a problem of the I knows, and dose not listen to suggestions. Any positive feed back would be appreciated. I'v had enough of the truth.<br> Ken

My ex started chaning about a year and a half ago - after his second divorce. He (<br>I think) just grew up and started realizing that the alcohol WAS affecting all of his relationships and the relationship with the kids. My kids had started to quit trusting him; they didn't want to visit with him because if they went out to eat; he wanted to always stay REAL late, etc. so he could have a few more drinks, etc. I had to tell him one weekend why our oldest son (now 15) didn't want to go and it killed him. I heard his hurt thru the phone and I felt his pain. He called me the next day and said he was going to change and the kids meant everything to him. He's done much better since then. I think he is like your wife; once he is left alone - he is stubborn and he isn't ever going back. <br>I wouldn't necessarily try to "find someone else" - I would WAIT until if and when the divorce happens. I would socialize to keep yourself busy, but don't look for anyone. If somone comes along, thats another story. Just let nature take its course; you don't want to jump too soon with so much hurt and pain. BUT, I understand how you feel and wouldn't want to wait my life away for someone who you don't know if they will ever come back. I did that, I waited and waited and got remarried. Then he changed. Funny how things work out.

Come on I dont need any more truths. Why did you have to tell me your ex is like my wife. That once her mind is made up she's never comming back.

Sorry, didn't mean she wasn't coming back. What I really mean was about the being stubborn and resisting things. As if almost an ego thing. Like, I've made my mind up. BUT, thats not to say what she would do AFTER the fact. I really didn't mean that. And if that were true - my ex decided he DID want to come back and have his family together. Unfortunately, it was too late and I was remarried. <br>I didn't mean to hurt you, I'm not here for that.

KenS,<p>I think it is very possible that your wife will come back to you. If you are asking me to tell you when I can't. You need to take care of you. You seem anxious to have this be over (and I don't blame you)but as others have testified for every two steps foreward we all take one back. We still have foreward progress but it is much slower than we would like. If you are willing to stick to this for a while I would do things for your wife. I know she asked you to give her space but I would do things that are not romantic just nice. Be her friend again. Gain her trust back as a friend and then go from there. Just be sure to take care of yourself emotionally. Don't let it get to you. My prayers are with you as always. <p>Steph

I agree with Steph - maybe thats the best beginning is to ONLY try to gain her friendship again. Doing just nice things and not romantic things. Just let her know your going to be there for her as a friend also if she needs one. My prayers are with you and I hope it works out to make your heart happy!