I've posted previously under How to move forward? and Dare I hope? My problem is this. My husband is away for the next 5 weeks on a business trip. It is 2 months since he told me he no longer loves me, and only a week since things have started to improve. We have only just got to the point where we can start to try and rebuild our relationship. Before this last week, I had been too needy and depressed to focus on anything but my own feelings. In the last week, I have just focussed on my love for him, and started to enjoy being with him, and finally starting to provide the conditions for his love to start to grow.<p>He has said (see the email extracts in Dare I Hope?) that he is scared that during this separation I will revert back to how I was, and that he wants me to use this time to become more independent, stronger and to define myself as a person. My problem is HOW? I can feel myself becoming more and more depressed, and he has been gone for less than a day (only 32 more days to go). I feel as if my whole life is focussed on this one goal, on getting him back. I think about him all the time. I read and post to this forum at work instead of getting on with what I should be doing.<p>I think part of the problem is because I am scared of becoming independent. At the back of my mind is the thought that if I am completely independent, then it will be easier for him to end our relationship completely. Although one of the main reasons he fell out of love with me was because I was too dependent on him, and he felt more like a parent than a husband. Where do I find the strength to do this?<p>Thanks for listening<br>Bev

Bev,<p>I found my strength in God. I mean for the first time I was spending a lot of time praying. Not needy crying to God but just simple, honest talks.<br>I know that tendency to dwell on the many ways it seems like it can fall apart no matter what you do. By a sheer act of will you are going to have to get re-centered while your husband is gone. You are going to have to make yourself do other things. In my case I like to write but I felt so bad about my marriage that I didn't want to try. <br>Here's the trick; we wanat to wait until everything seems good again to start doing something. But marital problems are notorious for resisting our best efforts. What I learned to do was to take the least bit of good that I could and concentrate on that.<p>For example maybe we didn't argue the night before. Maybe she went to bed and smiled at me on the way to the bedroom. I certainly desire more than a smile but it was sure better than being ignored. So I took that and let myself feel good about it. Maybe all I could get was day's worth of mileage out of it but that's better than feeling bad that day. I'd worry about the next day later.<br>Do it, Bev. Forget about the bad that might happen. Concentrate on being the best you can when he returns. And remember that you can't control reality. All you can do is the best you can.

Bev, in addition to lots of other stuff, the "independence" thing is one of the issues that my H has with me. All I can say is that most men appreciate someone who can stand on their own two feet much more than someone who will fall down if they move away from them. It is suffocating to them for us to need to cling.<p>I am trying to look at it this way: I need to learn to be independent for *myself* *not*<br>for my H. If he comes back to me, I will be happy with myself and he will be happy with me. If he doesn't, I'll be ready to go on with my life.<p>Bev, if he wants to leave, he will - whether you are able to stand on your own two feet or not. If it is suffocating for you to depend on him so much, you stand a better chance of driving him away by remaining the same. Feel good that he is communicating with you about how he feels and that he has suggestions for you about how you can meet his needs...<p>Get strong, stay strong ... for yourself!<p>As for how ... well, first off, if you really feel depressed, you may want to see your doctor about getting some anti-anxiety or anti-depressant medication to help you through this. And stay in contact with people. Do things with friends. Force yourself if it isn't something you normally do. Take walks or try to exercise in some other way. And remember that your husband is coming home to you at the end of this separation because of the business trip. Stay positive by focusing on the fact that he *wants* to work on your marriage. And don't get on the computer for too long at a time. I am finding that I am uplifted by the messages I read here, but the longer I am physically in front of the computer, the more "down" and tired I am.<p>terri<p>[This message has been edited by terri (edited 11-06-98).]

Being independent - I think that should be one of the 5 emotional needs! Most men, my husband included, do not like a clingy, dependent wife.<p>These 5 weeks can be the best thing for you! The two of you are getting back on track, so his leaving for the trip was left on an upswing! So, use this time to do the things that will make him happy and doing those things should bring you happiness because you'll know how happy he will be when he sees the results. if he comes back and you are sulking and clingy, I guarantee he will pull away! And this should be seen and taken on as the beginning of your new attitude about your marriage - so it won't get to this point again. You will need to behave INDEPENDENTLY from now on, the rest of your life! remember that. You don't want to win him back and then revert to old habits - he'll leave and quickly too.<p>So, use this time to do things he would see as being independent. I don't know what that could be, but here are some ideas: taking care of the bills, cleaning out the garage, taking care of the yard work (he's not here to do it, but it still needs to be done), finishing that project you've been putting off for months (painting, cleaning out closets, etc.), go out with friends, take part in something the two of you usually like to do together, etc. Show him that you WANT TO SPEND TIME WITH HIM and that YOU MISS HIM, but that you can handle life just fine without him!<p>One other suggestion - people who exercise seem to combat depression better and overall seem to deal with life better - just think about that! Every happy couple I know are active/exercising together. So, if you feel really down, get off your butt and take a brisk walk in this beautiful autumn. It will do wonders for your attitude, believe me!<p>Melissa<br>

I would take this time and enjoy it!! It is a time to find YOURSELF again. Discover who you are. The person that you love. You have been feeling sad and depressed long enough, it is time to see the light of things. I agree with the others, take a walk, cook something new, maybe buy something for yourself that makes you feel good(perfume, something sexy). Make yourself feel good again. I think the worst thing you can do is wallow in his departure.<br>He wants to see you dependant? If you love him, show him you can be dependant. When he asked how you were, tell him fine, you learned alot. Dont let him see you couldnt LIVE without him. If you love him more than life itself you will have to give and take. I think you should do something for yourself. Do you work? IF not, go out and get a job. Plant some flowers, spice the house up. Get in the holiday spirit. Decorate some. Let him walk in the door to a pleasant environment, instead of the tense one you both are used to..good luck.

I'm going to chime in here and make what I believe to be an important distinction. <p>You don't want a 'dependent' spouse. But I'll argue that you don't want an 'independent' spouse either. What you want is an 'interdependent' relationship.<p>I was very proud of my wife's independence. She could work her own job, do her own hobbies, take her own trips. But we were violating some major 'marriage' rules (especially the rule of time) with this lifestyle. End result: an affair.<p>I know that this type of 'independence' isn't what everyone is talking about, but you do need to differentiate between the good interdependence of a marriage and the 'dependence' or 'independence' that can be a characteristic of a marriage in trouble.

K, good distinction ... and "interdependence" is a word I know I've read here on this website in Dr. Harley's works. You are not two people living different lives in the same house (independence), nor one person directing and the other person following (dependence), you are two people living in harmony with one another, respecting each other's strengths and filling each other's needs (interdependence).<p>Dependence is neediness... rather than "independence" in a mate being an emotional need, I would say that Dependence or Neediness is probably a *cause* of most of the major "Love Busters." It isn't even a Love Buster in and of itself, but the behaviors that it generates certainly are.<p>Clear as mud, right?<p>Bev, I hope we've helped. I know that this topic has helped me - I was thinking that I was the only one here who had this problem (well, maybe one of a few). And thinking about what would help Bev has helped me focus on what I need to do for myself. Being alone right now (well, almost ... H is still here, but now says he is moving *next* week), I need to work on *independence* but to also be aware that when he comes back (think positive), that we'll need to work on *interdependence* ... if we apply the concepts of Marriage Builders (which are echoed in the books of many other therapists, just using different words), that should come naturally.<p>terri

K and terri, thanks for bringing up "interdependence." I am a very independent person, I own my own home and car, I'm raising a child on my own (I've never even gotten child support)I have a career, I travel.<p>I wouldn't want to marry someone who is dependent upon me (I already have one child to care for, I don't need more). <p>On the other hand, this thread made me uncomfortable. Why marry someone who wants to keep their independence? What kind of marriage is that? Seems to me that kind of attitude makes affairs almost inevitable.<p>I much prefer the notion of interdependence. To me, that's what marriage is. Independence is being single.<p>Bev, have you ever read a book called "The Rules?" If you want a framework for how to act independent, The Rules provide one. Many people, especially men, felt the book advised women to be manipulative and dishonest, and they have a point. But if your husband is asking for you to back off and be independent, "The Rules" may be just the advice you need.<p>[This message has been edited by Parizade (edited 11-06-98).]

Bev<br>All I can add to these post is that it works both ways. What wife wants a dependent husband. The first few months of our seperation my wife told me I was way to needy and my pathetic crying and begging her to return was really unattractive. My wife now after 13 months has told me she has a lot of respect for me now. Because I do things on my own, I do things I used to love but quit when she left and she dident realise what I had gone thru when I moved to an apartment untill she had to do it in September when I bought her out of the house and she had to do it. Number 2 is to go out and take this time to do different things with your friends. Even if you have to force your self. Once out just focous on enjoying yourself. Dont go out ant think about your hubby, if you want to do that, wait till you get home. Save the best for last Number 1 is to pray to god for his will and have trust in him that he will work things out for the best. If you have trust in God on the inside you'll be strong on the out side. The more needie I am with god and trust in him the stronger person I become. Anyway thats how to get the strength you need. You'll be fine belive me, just TRUST.<br> Ken