My husband and I can't seem to talk about serious subjects. He's been deployed 8 of the last 12 months while I worked. My biggest problem: I get too emotional to discuss problems. If he's upset and wants to know "why" I do something, I end up in angry tears, feeling defensive and hurt. This is particularly frustrating for me because I'm very cool with most everyone else, personally and professionally. Secondary issue: I can't get him to talk about what I think is important -- sexual fantansies, children, etc. So we end up spending lots of time talking about what we did during the day and sharing nothing. How do I stay calm enough to say what I need to say? Finally, should I write it down as a way to get it said without the emotional theatrics?

I have found that writing things down is the best way for me to express myself, and get everything out that i wanted to..<br>Maybe that way you could express your concerns for having children, etc.<br>Is your husband in the navy? Mine was, and it is very hard, maybe you should join a support group for wives..good luck

I have found that writing things down is the best way for me to express myself, and get everything out that i wanted to..<br>Maybe that way you could express your concerns for having children, etc.<br>Is your husband in the navy? Mine was, and it is very hard, maybe you should join a support group for wives..good luck

Dawn, how did you present your written thoughts to your husband? How did he respond to your thoughts? Did he think the idea was silly in the beginning? My husband' been in the army for 4 years, but these deployments are a brand new experience for us. We both talk about the need to "talk more" but haven't found a good way to move from abstract idea to specific issue. Since we want to, I hope writing it down might get us started.

After 6 years and his second affair with another woman, we are finally beginning to talk. We both agreed he talks from the head and me from the heart so we are trying to find a way to do that. It's okay to cry when we have so much inside the tears start rolling....it has made my husband angry in the past and he feels really uncomfortable. My husband was a Marine for 7 years just out of high school, everything is task oriented, and black and white, aks those WHY questions, which we don't have answers for, and I have felt like a private in the marine corp getting chewed out for something. He is learning now, painfully for both of us, that life isn't so clear cut. Writing out what's inside of us is very theraputic! I would suggest reading your thoughts to him asking him to let you finish reading it to him before he starts to talk or "defends" his "position".Also look at the fact he has been in the military for 4 years, they are trained to think and act in a certain way and they bring it home. <br>They are not allowed to show "weakness", sensitivity and the other nurturing things we need as humans and as women. One marine wife I knew would have to stand with her children in a line, while her husband inspected her housecleaning with a white glove, they have been married for 25 years.He HAD to learn how to be a husband and friend, and you can bet they went thru the ringer to keep their marriage alive and lasting...they can laugh about it all now. Hang in there honey. JADE

It's not as bad as I make it sound. When I read over so much of what is posted on this site, I have it great.<p>But I know we miss dialogue. We talk about our vacation plans and vaguely about finacial futures. But, if don't know how to tell him I'm scared of something. I don't know how to unload "work" related stuff without sounding like I'm whining (and, of course I'm whining! I just wanted to unload and put it into perspective! I just want someone to listen, not judge for awhile.)<p>He's warm, he's funny, he's sensitive in some ways. But he sidetracks me when I talk about something he doesn't want to hear about, or makes me feel small when I want to talk about something petty. I know it's petty, but I just wanted to get it off my chest, you know? How do I let him know that I want him to judge me less? Without saying "honey, you're always judging me," which would lead to a fight anyway?

I think that this military connection definately has merit. My husband is Army National Guard for 19 years and is a battalion commander. He thinks I can immediately tell him why I feel the way I do and what we can do to fix it. Life for him ias black and white, and my seeing shades of grey is not allowed. I wish I could just sit down with him and sign one counseling statement and the problems would be fixed!<p>I think writing things down is an excellent idea. To make your writing easier for him to accept, how about writing in a list format -- which is more military and formal and may make him more comfortable? And ask him to write down his feelings himself, and let him go first by reading.<p>It's hard not to cry, and sometimes my husband thinks that it is a tool I use to make him feel sorry for me instead of angry. (And sometimes that is true!) But you surely can't stop it!<p>Good luck; deployments are tough, I hear.