This topic is also posted in the Infidelity forum<p>I have commented on this in several different posts under several different topics, and would like to discuss this concept with others whose marriages have been damaged by either infidelity or depression.<p>For those of us who have been wounded by our spouse's infidelity, there is a clear "recovery plan" that the Harleys and other marriage counselors have described. It is not an easy path to follow, and some will fall off of it and never be able to renew their marriages. But it is understood that there is a great deal of hurt and mistrust once infidelity strikes a marriage. It is clear that the wounded spouse is justified in feeling vulnerable, in being afraid to trust that the unfaithful spouse will now remain faithful. It is ok to be angry with an unfaithful spouse and it is ok to be angry that they hurt you.<p>However, there is no such clarity for people whose marriages have been wounded by a depressed spouse. First of all, because it is a disease, not a conscious decision, anger is not acceptable. This must create a great deal of inner turmoil for the spouse who is being hurt by the depressed spouse. And what about the fact that the depression is often not recognized until after much damage and wounding has already taken place? There is already anger and frustration and now we tell the "healthy" spouse that the anger and frustration aren't justified because this is a disease that has invaded their marriage, not ill intent. Where does all that negative feeling go? Seems like it has to go somewhere.<p>And then, once the depression is diagnosed and treatment is underway, then what? The "formerly depressed" spouse often finds him/herself feeling so good, he/she cannot understand why the other spouse cannot put it all behind her/him immediately. And the "healthy" spouse has now built the wall of which Steph speaks ... the wall doesn't just come tumbling down, nor does it just dissolve when one hears the formerly depressed spouse say "I feel so good today. I haven't felt this way in so long ... I'd forgotten what joy felt like." I imagine it is encouraging to hear something like this. I imagine it engenders some kind of emotional response - but I am beginning to see from the posts here in the forums that it is certainly not all that is needed to bring the marriage to "renewal" - not all that is needed to make up for all the bleak and black days that passed before.<p>Speaking as a depressed spouse who has found medication to have brought me from the dark abyss to the bright world I vaguely remember from before depression, and as a wronged spouse suffering from the wounds of infidelity, I am finding that I have double work ahead of me... I must prove to my husband that I have truly conquered my depression - that I will not slip back into the abyss now that I recognize what it feels like, and now that I know I must listen to the feedback of others when they tell me I am "sounding awfully down lately." At the same time, I must battle my anger and, yes, depression that my husband has committed infidelity ... that he may not want to hear that I am better. That he has found someone else to meet his needs since I couldn't and he thought it was because I wouldn't.<p>But I digress ... the point I am trying to discuss is that both depression and infidelity erode the trust in a marriage. And, the formerly depressed needs to be aware that his/her feeling good isn't necessarily all that is needed to heal the marriage. It seems as though if those of us who have suffered the ravages of depression in our marriages follow the path laid out by the Harleys for recovery from infidelity, we have the best chance.<p>What think the rest of you?<p>terri<br>(feeling very introspective and reflective today ... but not depressed)

Terri,<p>I think you state it pretty close to how it feels with one exception. Not all depressed spouses are willing to admit to the effects of the "illness". With my H he truly believes that his depression only hurt him and not those around him. I'm not that familiar with dealing with an affair (thank goodness) so I don't know if the two are as devastating as the other. I can tell you that hearing him say that he is happy and feeling fine tends to make the wall grow bigger and stonger because I start to feel more hurt that he does not seem to recognize how hurt I am.<p>I find this site trying to find out how to cope with a depressed spouse. Amazingly everything I found told me that I couldn't expect anything from him. From my understanding I had to let him be as selfish as he needed to be in order to get better. This not only made me frustrated but I started to get angry and yes a little selfish myself. I don't mind doing things for him but I want things done in return. I don't think this is so far fetched. <p>I think the thing I have the hardest time dealing with is when he tells me that he doesn't need me and can't need me. He tells me that he has to get over this depression by himself. I feel like I failed because I could not help him and now I feel left out because I still can't help him. My self esteem has taken a beating and with having to pick up on all the other work I have no energy left for anything. I think the lonliness of this is overwhelming.<p>I have more to say but have to go now.<p>Steph

I have quite a few thoughts on this, but not much time to write...<br>Although I talk much about MY depression here, I feel like IN PART it was caused by a depression or anxiety problem my husband has. So in that instance I say that depression is VERY devasating to a marraige. Before I was 'depressed" my husband had no time for me, had very unrealistic goals for our daily lives, was no help with the children and would retreat and take naps during all his free time, he was very irritable and could not finish a project without being upset. I thought it was his unhappiness with me. ANd I tried to discuss this with him (plus he really wasn't interested in sex). Things kept getting worse. Finally I hit bottom with his rejection and got the hlep myself. NOW that I am feeling better I realize that those same characteristics I had (napping, low sex drive, irritability, wothlessness) is what he has been going through for MANY years. So it is very hard---we seem to bring each other down and aren't much support for each other. He never has received treatment (nor thinks he neeeds it, he thinks I like to play therapist now since I've had a few sessions myself). But HE also thinks that since I am now on meds and that iI am doing fine that our relatioship needs no more help. But perhaps that is because he is not as low as he has been, and is also feeling fine. <br>I know that these are just some random thoughts, but I think it is an interesting question to pose. I'm anxious to hear everyone else's responses too.

Terri, your analogy hit me like a ton of bricks. W/o lots of details, I am over depression, it had a terrible effect on my wife that I didn't realize till last week, and we had our first of many sessions of marriage counseling last night. I feel like we're not out of the woods, but we've found a path that can lead us out together.<p>I cried and cried last night like I haven't in 30 years (I'm 41). I can't tell you why, some of it was expressing sadness for the way I was and its effects on wife and little kids. Getting back in touch with the way I was before depression, and the possibility that I could walk that way again with my wife, made me cry from sadness of what's been lost and how bad I really had felt for so long. I also cried from relief that I'd found a way to do it with my wonderful wife.<p>Depression IS devastating to everyone in the family. My therapist didn't take this into account in my treatment, and for 2 years my wife has felt ignored and unable to rekindle real love for me. Anyone seeking treatment for depression, GET TREATMENT FOR YOUR SPOUSE AND FAMILY AS WELL. They're suffering as much as you, and I don't think you can really recover from depression until this is acknowledged, respected, and dealt with.<p>I hope things go well for all of you, and I ask for your prayers that things continue to improve for me. Again, Terri, your posting gave me an insight that I needed so badly.

After reading your posts - and before I ever got into this marriage builders - it NEVER even crossed my mind that my husband may be depressed - but after reading all this and peoples symptoms - it scares me. He has many of them. Though, he would never think he does or admit it or TRY to get help ( I have been there, done that) = what do you do when you think that may be their problem?

Oh Terri, I am on anti-depressants, and for those of us who finally go on them, know how helpful they can be in helping get our chemicals back in order. The thing I mostly picked up on was your anxiety of returning to the depession and the fear on how it might affect your marriage, you are right it becomes a family disease. I believe, we can only control the chemical imbalances thru our medication NOT thru WILLPOWER, this is a highly underdiagnosed, misunderstood, and not throughly understood, disease, and there is still a stigma, socially and even PERSONALLY. It took me years of horrible pain before I finally agreed to take them, and I AM A RN AND do counseling! I usually recommend clients to talk to their doctors about the posibility of meds. "I should" know better? Ha, Even medical professionals have stigmas regarding people who are depressed. When I found my husband was having an affair and I was "losing it" the doctor gave me tranquilizers, I cried, because I "was that bad, to have to resort to tranquilizers", again that personal stigma asnd thinking I could rise above my emotions better then that! I couldn't will myself to be functional or I would have done that.It is real important that we nurture and honor ourselves for the actions we do, for who we are and to especially accept our depression as a disease. Ques: Would you feel guilty if you had the flu? We can't fix everything or be all things to all people, but we can do our part in caring for ourselves FIRST and then moving outward to caring for our families. Healing is unfortunately, a process that often times appears to be too slow...be easy on yourself, just be who you are, pray, and do your best with where you are at at the time.You can do it Terri! I also want to honor you for the courage to bring up this intimate and personal topic!Bright Blessings, JADE

Thank you, Jade ... <p>My perspective at this point is that I feel GREAT! But - I know that for the last three years of my depression, my husband has had to live with a miserable b**ch. Time is the only way for him to see that the antidepressants are what has helped me move away from being that person and back to being the person he fell in love with in the beginning. And Time is the only thing that might show him just how much he really misses me - how many of his needs I met that he never really paid attention to before...<p>I hope he hasn't shut himself off from me so far that he won't see it ...<p>terri

Oops ... double post<p>[This message has been edited by terri (edited 11-12-98).]

Then I will pray for you and your husband girlfriend! I would do it here but no one else has done that and I don't fully know the forum. So I will pray without writing it down here. Cyberrose! JADE