To terri<br>You answered a previous post of mine, jealousy, warning me to trust my instincts about my husbands possible infidelity.<br>Well, I found out at the weekend that he had sex with this woman who he claimed was just a friend, and who he was only confiding in. It happened in September when he visited Canada, and again 2 weeks ago when she visited London.<br>I found out by finding some very intimate emails from him to her describing how much he enjoyed being with her.<br>I confronted him with this, and he admitted it, and now says that it is over and he had already made the decision to try again with me. Also, he wasn't technically unfaithful as he is not in love with me at the moment.<br>And get this! He was going to tell me, but he was going to wait until he was in love with me again, probably after we had started making love again, and then he would have told me! what kind of twisted logic is that!<br>I am very angry at the moment, more at the lies than anything else. I feel like he has been manipulating me, especially whenever I was suspicious, making me feel guilty about being unreasonable by daring to suggest it.

Oh, Bev, I'm so sorry that your instincts were right ...<p>As for your H's twisted logic, I know it's difficult to see past the hurt and anger right now, but that is the nature of the addiction, and the nature of confrontation avoidance. He is wrong about it being infidelity, however - as I'm sure you know - it is infidelity as long as he is still married to you and there has been no agreement or arrangement between you that he is free to do this kind of thing.<p>Hang in there, Bev. He wants to work it out, you need to decide if that's what *you* want.<p>terri

terri,<p>yes it is what I want. I just don't know how to trust him again. What hurts most is that the last time they were together things were actually starting to improve between us. And he told me that sex with her was so much better than with me.<br>He also said he realised something was happening which would destroy any chance we had of working things out, so that is why he finished it.<br>Thanks for listening<br>Bev

Bev,<p> Not to stick up for your wayward husband, but his "Twisted logic" IS understandable.<p>He's going through a hard time too (Maybe even as tough as you!) because his emotions are so confused at this moment, he doen't know where to turn. <p>I think he still loves you, but for whatever reason, he looked to have a need met elswhere. Now he's having to face that he has betrayed your trust, broken his vows, and is possibly in love with two women at once. (In other words, he's "messed up")<p>(being in love with one woman can make a guy crazy - imagine what 2 women could do!)<p>Work with him, but INSIST that he never contact the OW again! (Not my rule, Dr. Harley's!) I think some barganing is not only in order, but the stage is well-set for it.<p>He needs to work HARD to regain your trust. This will include his making you aware of every move he makes while away from you. You should have a detailed schedule of his appointments - with phone numbers - so you CAN check up on him. <p>On your end, now you should be able to discuss what it is he needs that he's not getting at home. (and, as you start trusting him again, meeting those needs.)<p>It sounds like things are going to work out. In spite of your great pain (and his HUGE confusion) you may end up with a marriage that better than ever!<p>A word of caution - Breaking his "addiction" to the other woman will be very hard for him. He may go through depression, have 2nd, 3rd, and even 4th thoughts about what is "right". You need to emotionally support him - even as you insist that he break all contact.<p><p>Val

V,<br>Only one small thing I would correct in what you said ... The Harleys advocate identifying and eliminating Love Busters first, before identifying and working on Emotional Needs. Without eliminating Love Busters, one can begin to deposit Love Units, but there will be continuous withdrawals, and no one's love bank will be holding anything! Elimination of Love Busters is the first step, for both Bev and her H. It sets the stage for trust and commitment.<p>According to Dr. Harley...<p>terri

Yup, Terri, I did forget that part!<br>Thanks for the clarification.<p>(I guess I was thinking along the lines of my own situation. Where the "love-busters" aren't the problem. It's not so much that "withdrawls" keeps being made, more like "deposits" are lacking!)<p>Val