OK - I know it is MY decision to make, but I want to know what other people would do in my situation (I know many of you ARE in my situation). Here is a summary of where I'm at, and the decision I face:<P>* I discovered my wife's affair over a year ago...and she is still currently seeing the OM. <P>* We have been separated since February, with me in our house, her in an apartment. We "share" our two young children (4 & 3 yrs.)<P>* We have been to counciling, I've tried Plan A & B, consulted support from our Church, and I've read dozens of books looking for answers.<P>* I filed for divorce in January, but that is not really what I want for us and our kids...I filed because my pride was hurting, and I was tired of waiting for my wife to "snap out of it".<P>* I attended a religous retreat this past April, and have renewed my faith in God. As such, I feel a new peace within myself to accept whatever happens...but I'm still not keen on the idea of waiting "forever" for my wife to make a decision.<P>After all of this, my wife still cannot make a decision to commit to our marriage, because it "feels so good to be with him". There are no screaming kids or day to day routine...just beers, sun and the swimming pool.<P>I ask myself every day if I should continue to wait (I have a friend that waited 3 years and STILL ended up divorced). I have already waited a year, and I'm wondering if the reality of living with him is the only thing that will make my wife realize she is making a mistake (my opinion). I know that once we go forward with the divorce, our chances of reconciliation are small because there will be a "battle" for primary custody of our children.<P>Any input is welcomed. God bless...<BR>

If you've plan A'ed and Plan B'ed for a substantial amount of time with no results, at some point you are going to have to decide when you are finished waiting. Your life has to go on too. <P>What happens if you continue to wait? Will anything change financially, with the children, or with you? If you are not seeing any negative changes, I suppose you can wait some more if you really want to reconcile. If it is impacting the well being of the remaining family, I'd think about setting a deadline. Either way, I'd set a deadline and stick to it. If she thinks she can just continue to have her cake and eat it too, it might be the only thing that snaps her out of it.<P>Of course, I haven't had much luck in bringing my situation around, so my advice probably isn't the greatest...

Thanks for the response Popeye. You make a good point about wanting life to go on. One enlightening point I've read on this board recently is that it can take up to 2 years AFTER leaving a relationship (aka marriage) to be ready for another. I have recently realized that there is no hurry to "rush" into another relationship for the sake of just being in one. <P>I just put down Dr. Harley's book, and I reviewed the fine details of what it means to be in Plan B...and I must admit I did not follow the rules to the "T". I have continued to provide financial support to my wife, so as you say she truly "has her cake, and is eating it too". The other part of Plan B I violate is that we still talk on the phone sometimes. When she calls, this is her way of getting a "need" from me that she may not be getting from him. <P>My current thinking is that it is time to write her a letter letting her know that I can no longer be her source of friendship or financial backing as long as she is involved with him. We have been separated physically, but I haven't sufficiently cut emotional ties between us so that the affair can "run its course". I will start working on drafting "the letter" tonight. <P>Thanks much for your input.<P>

MJINGIT,<P>If your serious about a good Plan B letter....<BR>check out...<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000098.html" TARGET=_blank>Help with Plan B letter (from Hi Infidelity)</A> <BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000032.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan-B Letter; The final cut...(from WilliamJ)</A> <BR>and the links in <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Archives/Archive-000001/HTML/20000110-1-011046.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B - 101</A>.<P> <P>Jim

Hi M...<P>I think you have answered your own question. The financial support needs to end and she needs to see that you are a human being that deserves to have a life and it's not necessarily going to revolve around her. I think she needs to see that you are capable to move on without her. She might not "come around", but it just gets to be time to do it for yourself. Somehow I think she just believes that you'll just always be hanging around out there for her just in case. That is such disrespect, but she can get away with it - that is, until you stop it. When you are a nice person, people just think they can use you and walk all over you. It's disgraceful.<P>Of course, I do believe it's best for reconciliation always if possible. There has to be mutual respect tho, and right now she's just taking an extended free vacation, your treat.

M, <BR>I believe you have hit that point where you may be ready for PlanB. It is to save any love you may have for her, and to protect yourself. If you are considering divorce now, but are still wondering if there is a chance, I would go to a serious PlanB. <P>Be ready, though. It may be what wakes her up, or what drives her into the affair deeper. She WILL, sometime, wake up, but you may have already moved beyond that when it happens. <BR>Then you can divorce and have no regrets. I really like that part of Harleys book where he talks about that. It really hit home with me. <BR>Do your homework, write the letter, and do a complete Plan B. Good luck, it is hard!<P>------------------<BR>Susan

Sue - thanks for your reply. I took your advice and I delivered my wife a Plan B letter last week, and last night she called me on the phone to tell me she had "broken up" with the OM. This "break up" has happened 3 times before...but it has been quite some time ago since the last one. I have been in Plan A a good 3 months, and she would not budge off of the fence...Plan B letter arrives, and off the fence she goes!<P>We are separated with 2 kids, and we are talking about her moving back in to our home (she has been in an apartment since March, 2000). My questions:<P>1.) Since she has just made her decision to break from him, is it premature to think about her moving back in? She cried all day today at work...because she misses him.<P>2.) How have some of you folks "renegotiated" your marriages when attempting to try again?<P>I have been very "Plan B like" during this last week. Inside I feel hopeful, but I'm afraid to just throw my arms open and welcome her home...it doesn't seem right.<P>Thanks for reading...God bless...

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by MJINGIT:<BR><B> Since she has just made her decision to break from him, is it premature to think about her moving back in? <P>2.) How have some of you folks "renegotiated" your marriages when attempting to try again?</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>It's hard to answer that. I didn't let my H come back home when he asked for the same reasons you state. In retrospect, I feel like I could have combatted the situation better if he had been here and living my influence instead of hers, but there is so much I learned afterward that I don't think it would have made a difference ultimately. As long as the OP is there, it is really hard to make any lasting change. Though my H vowed to give her up, his OW was and still is, there. She wasn't going away even if he came home. I know that now.<P>If you do decide to let her come home, I think it is a great idea to renegotiate the rules of the marriage. Obviously the old rules weren't working. Setting up some guidelines can only provide security for both of you that old issues are being addressed and have a less likelihood of happening again.

Mungit, <BR>The best adivce Igot when going through this is that you MUST have a plan to restore the marriage. <BR>I strongly suggest that you sit down with your wife and discuss counseling with Steve Harley. It is expensive, but what is the cost of divorce and putting your kids through all of this??<BR>he will council with both of you separate and give you both a plan. Without a plan, you could end up right back where you were before. <BR>If she is ready to try to save your marriage, you must do this. <P>------------------<BR>Susan