I am sick and tired of being the one to blame in our marriage failing. My h is the one that cheated on me, not visa versa. I take full responsibility for my part I have played in the troubles we have had, but why does he feel fully justified, by having an affair, because I became angry at him for his lack of love for me?<P>I received an e-mail from my h tonight (quite surprising, since he usually ignores my communications). ANyway, I believe that this was probabaly his way of apologizing, but what I read was more blame. He wrote the my emotional pendulum, from anger to love, is not normal. That this emotion is the reason that he cannot live with me. He says that he has seen it over and over againg, and thinks that I need help. I agree that I do get angry. That after I blow off some steam I am fine again, until I need to blow off more steam. <P>He also said in his letter, that he believes that he causes my frustration and that we are seperated because he wants it to stop.<P>He said that I was a wonderful person, that I deserved to be love and be happy, but that he has not been able to properly do either of those things for me. He wants to be my friend and he wants to call a truce. I still believe that if you can be friends, why not stay married?<P>What I want from him is a sincere apology about his betrayal ( something that I will probably never get) and I want him to show me some of the love and compassion that he was able to give to the OW. If I deserve that, why doesn't he give it to ME?<P>I'm just confused. I have to keep trusting in the Lord. I know He will show me that way.<P>Cheryl

Hi, Cheryl. Sorry, I went to bed before you posted last night. I'm so sorry for the way you feel. You're right, though, you may never get a real apology for what he's done. And you know in your heart he's blaming you because he's not strong enough to take his responsibility for this mess. Keep praying. Keep being strong. I have to go to work, now, but I'll be thinking about you and write back later. He is right about something, though, my friend, you deserve LOTS of love. <P>Lori

My H continually accuses me of being angry at him, whether I am or not. Yet he yells at me, at the kids, occasionally at his co-workers, and that is supposed to be ok. Our children get scared when he yells at them, but I can yell at them without them getting nearly as upset. I have come to the conclusion that he is terrified of others' anger - I don't know if it has something to do with his first wife leaving him or if it has roots in his childhood. I was watching a movie the other night in which one of the characters got physically ill every time a woman yelled at him, and I began to wonder if that was perhaps an exaggerated version of how my H feels. Perhaps this is characteristic of conflict avoiders.<P>He has been gone for six months, and I have only displayed anger to him a few times, and not at all in months, and it hasn't made any difference - he still accuses me of arguing with him, or being about to argue with him.