My ex married the OW Sat. and was supposed to see the kids tonight. My children refused to go. I called my attorney to see what to do and he said we could not force the kids against their will. He said just to give them space and time to adjust. When my ex came after them, I made the kids explain to him that this was their decision, not mine. He has already blamed me for enough. He stayed in my driveway for ten minutes while I was talking to him and he sobbed the whole time. I told him I was sorry about the situation and I could see his pain. I began crying myself and was able to tell him some things he had never let me before. At first he wouldn't look at me until I finally asked him to. It was still hard for him to maintain eye contact. I told him I knew he was hurting, and asked him if he realized that was the kind of pain that we had endured. He sobbed even harder. He didn't blame me for anything, finally apologized to me for hurting me so badly, and told me he didn't know why he had been so cruel to me. He admitted he would have acted the same as I did if he had cheated on me. I asked him why he had never missed us and he said he had. He said he would never be the same person again. I asked him why he did it and he said because he wanted to. No more mention of me being a bad wife. He cried the whole time and left crying. I'm over it for the most part, but the hurt part of me wants to think he is unhappy. I guess I still obsess over that. You know how it is, you want them to regret what they did. Just rambling, but I would like to think I saw some misery there somewhere. Any opinions?<P>AD

I think he sees his mistakes. I think you should be relieved that he has come to his senses, although too late for you.<BR>He is unhappy, his new marriage will never make it.<P>My STBX can make me drop to my knees sobbing for something I did 11 years ago<BR>any time she wants, after I admitted that<BR>I had been possessed by aliens and that I was stupid.<P>However, don't hold it over his head forever, once the other spouse gets to that point, unless he is really mentally ill, he should never, ever let himself feel that kind of pain again. And it will do wonders for the kids to see you forgive him, having picked yourself up, dusted yourself off, and continued on with your life.<P>thl

already divorced,<P>This new marriage is doomed...<BR>...if it last for a few years... it will be painful<BR>...most likely a year or two.<P>Keep your kids emotional state in mind...<BR>...you're doing good.<P>Please keep on posting...<BR>...someday I may be in your shoes.<P> <P>Jim<P>

Thank you both for posting. Jim, I hope it doesn't come to this point for you. I guess what I really wonder is if all his pain is for the kids or if some of it is for me. When he says he missed us, I don't know if I am included in that. After all, he is a newlywed and I just wish I knew if he is so happy with her and just miserable about his children. I know I pick things to death, but these are the thoughts in my head.<P>AD

AD,<BR>Jim is right. (and for once in less than half a page )<P>There are a few things you need to do.<BR>1 - Maintain a very, very good relationship with your ex. If anything, you have to do it for the kids. They will see you as the strong one and will pick up on your attitudes and signals you send off. Make sure they are the signals you want them to get.<BR>2 - Maintain a good relationship with you ex for <B>you</B>. It’s already bad enough for you and holding in a bunch of anger towards your ex will only eat you up inside and come out as resentment towards him. Also, when the marriage ends (I give it 18 months tops) if you decide you want to try things again with him, then you have to be someone he can trust. You guys have kids together and a history together.<P>How truly happy can he be if he’s bawling his eyes out all the time?<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage & Relationship Resources</A>

AD,<P>I just want to encourage you to be pleasant to your XH... <P>Your kids are going through some very hard times. They must resent their father for abandoning you, but inside, they truly wish they could have their dad be part of their lives. They wish that you two could be together; however, the best alternative is for your boys to see you and the XH get along and be pleasant. This will make a huge difference for your boys.<P>Hang in there & good luck <P>Andrew

Sounds like he has lots of regret. I would bet that you are included in that too. I know it doesn't really matter now, but it kind of does, doesn't it? After all you went through, it's validating.<P>I would also bet that it won't last. It was way too hasty and things are obviously not resolved with your H. I hate to be in the cheering section for the demise of someone's marriage, but I don't see a real chance for happiness there.

AD,<P>I also agree with Popeye. Your H moved way too fast. I don't see him having much of a chance of being happy either, and he will soon feel the pain of another broken marriage. <P>I know the D-rate goes up about 10% with each consecutive marriage. I wonder how much the rate increases when a spouse remarries before resolving volatile emotional ties... It can't be good.<P>Andrew

Oh, that had to have been hard for you....even though you say you are over it for the most part...just seeing him crying had to have been painful. It would have been so hard for me not to hug him.<P>Even though I feel anger towards my stbx, I know that when he acts remorseful or sad...it breaks me up. All those angry thoughts or I hope he gets his just seem to disappear and that nurturing attitude comes back.<P>That must have been hard...<P>I don't think this new marriage has a chance.....I am betting less than a year before someone moves out.<P>Keep up the good work.<BR>Nancy

I think you are doing great.....I can say this since I had a big LB day a few days ago. I do not know what I would do or feel if my stx got remarried...I am not over this yet and having a hard time letting go.<P>I give this new marriage less than a year....<P>Hang in there for your kids.....