We have not been intimate for several months, despite my advances. I am always the one who does the initiation. I am 44, and got my tubes tied, so this should be the best yrs of our lives! When we do make love, it is good. <p>When I try to talk to my husband about this problem in our marriage he says he is too busy. He has no interest in working on this area of our marriage or any other area in regards to companionship or an emotional relationship. He started a business 2 yrs ago. Being a workaholic anyway, this is the perfect lifestyle for him! When he does have freetime, he plays a game on the internet till 12 pm. or even in his spare moments during the day. This pursuit has even taken him away for a whole day playing Lan games. Although they are infrequent it says to me that when he does carve out freetime it is spent on his pursuits. He will go to a computer show on a Sat. for 5 hours. When I ask him to take a day trip w/ me and the children, he is always too busy. <p>This guy is very good at building walls. I knew he was an active alcoholic when we married. He got help after 1 yr of marriage when I told him either shape up or shipped out. He has been in a few treatment programs over the yrs. He has had periodic relapses over the years, but he has been sober for the last 3 yrs. But he has never sought ongoing treatment or attends AA meetings.<p>We have been married for 23 yrs. During the 1st yr. I became a Christian. That has been the saving grace for me as far as finding a fulfilling life in many ways. That still doesn't mean that I don't have needs.<p>5 months ago I ended a friendship w/a Christian brother because it was turning into an emotional affair. I told my husband about the situation and explained that if he was my best friend that never would have happened. It was a wake-up call to both of us. We started to use Dr. Harley's website but stopped after the 2nd session. I think he got scared of the demands and changes that would have been required of him. I ask, what can I do to be a better wife and he says I already am. I am attractive, take care of myself and am not overweight. He says it is not me. <p>I just don't know what to do. I feel as if I am cut off from all avenues. Talking, crying, nagging (this is a sure killer)nothing impacts him. My feelings for my old friend came back 2 months ago. I confessed and told him if he could spend 20 min. w/ me a day, that it would be a good thing. Well, we started to walk everyday, but that was a short lived. So now what? I pray and fast and give all my needs to Christ. I am rekindling my relationship w/ the Lord as the crisis 5 months ago was my spiritual wake-up call. <p>I probably would have divorced him long ago but as a Christian, I have never felt in my case it was biblical. Being single w/ 3 children is not easy either. We have a 17 1/2yr old, 13 & 3. Divorce is a terrible thing. I know, because my parents split up when I was 18. I think my girls really wouldn't be that devastated though, as he neglects their needs as well. My youngest is a boy and for his sake primarily, I would not leave. Also we both believe marriage is a committment. Any advice? Hanging by prayer! Thanks <br>

Not sure where to start...you have got some ordeal on your hands..a person that wont communicate or even be open is so hard to deal with...I can say this,,,dont stay for the children..that isnt fair to you or them. You know that deep in your heart. You are scared right now, all thepossabilities like being a single mom isnt very appealing....Is there a way you could say"You and I are goin g away for the weekend, just you and I and we arent going to have any agenda, but to fix what is obviously wrong? See what he says. You really need time away, if he says no he has something else to do, give him an ultimaden,come with me so we can work our marriage out, or end it.<br>If he loves you, he'll go.<br>About the other guy...so tempting right now isnt he??He is paying attention to you..and listening to you..all the things you know you need. I would keep your faith and see if your hubby would go away with you first then see what happens..is this other man a canadate for later love?

Dawn,<br>Thanks for your reply. I will try asking Jan again. I had asked him to attend a marriage seminar and he said nix. Things may change around here if he hires help. As far as the "friend", I have to laugh. I think that probably is out of the question . There are some other factors involved w/ him, even though he is divorced. I do want this marriage to work. I feel as if I am not asking for very much. Thanks for your advice. Polly

Polly - I think you are a STRONG woman and Christian for sticking it out and TRYING. I am doing the same thing and its "tough". I too, have been confronted by many men wanted to be with me or willing to take a chance at happiness with a married woman, but I cannot od that being married and the "feeling its wrong" thing. But how tempting when someone wants to give you attention, happiness, conversation. Although, you never know how that would pan out either. I just can't waste my time on affairs out of the marriage due to the TRYING to work it out factor. ITs really hard when you feel they just don't have half the effort of trying we do. God Bless you for giving it your all, I am trying too.

Thanks Cindy for the encouragement. I gave him a copy of the column I wrote and said What are we going to do about this? His answer will be another chapter in the saga. Anyway in regards to relationships w/ other men that is out of the question. I could never face God as an adulterer, so I am resigning myself to the life of a nun I sympathize w/ you. What's your story? I will pray for your situation as well.

Hi:<br>I am the "bad" guy the husband.<br>Polly told me to log on to this site to let me know why she left me this morning, by the way she also took my 3 year old son with her<br>without letting me know where she or he would be!!<br>Now you may call yourself "the marriagebuilders site" i bow to differ.<br>Personally i have newer told Polly i disagree with her believes, she is a woman in Crist and i fully accept.I have newer tried to remove her from her faith as this would be an outmost crime.<br>We have been married for 23 years and i have always respected her believes in Crist, although i am personally not a believer!!<br>My feeling on this subject is pretty clear:<br>Since i an not a believer i am an "outsider"<br>or at least not the husband she really wants me to be. My thought were: Crist wants us to not pass judgement, but maybe i am wrong?<br>You be the judge, i love my wife dearly i do not want her to go.<br>Jan

Jan - I don't think anyone is judging you - we're all focusing on rebuilding our marriages. If you love her; let her know! From the sounds of her posting, she sounds as if she loves you and just didn't feel that you felt the same way, emotionally or sexually. Its apparrent though that she loves you and her family. I think she probably just needed a break and to get away and think abou things. Maybe it will make you both realize how much you love and need each other. I'm sure you will work things out - but it definitely takes two to make the marriage work and both of you deserve to make it work. Maybe she will be somewhere where she can read your post and see that you said you love her dearly! That will mean a lot to her. I wish you the BEST in this marriage.

Here I am! Jan, you know where I am. I assessing my sitution and exploring my options at this point. Ultimately I would like you, my husband to bend a little and work on building this marriage. Kind of like you don't know what you got till its gone. The ball is in your court. The girls came home and found you drunk, so they are staying w/some other families tonite. This behavior doesn't get a response by me of guilt. I will not be manipulated. The religion thing is a cop out too. I am not asking you do anything w/ me in that dept. I am asking that we spend time together going on hikes, biking, sight seeing etc. Find a common activity and do it from time to time. Thank you for your response Cindy. You told it the way it is! Polly

Test

Your welcome POLL! And glad to know your okay! I figured you needed some time and sometimes WE ALL DO need that time. Obviously, if he went on a drinking spill it WAS to drown in his sorrows. He misses you. And with you gone, he didn't have you to turn to when he came home. Thats probably why he turned to the bottle. Something to solve his problems. But will wake up to the same problems and hopefully read your post and see that the picture is clear. You both love each other and he needs to focus on the MARRIAGE. Whether he is religious or not shouldnt be the point anyway - your love and marriage should stay together and build stronger. (plus, living with a Christian woman as you are will eventually rub off on him). Good luck to you and him; I think you have the basis there to work things out. We all know the love is there for both of you.

Just lost my last letter so I sent a test. Jan, I didn' leave you. When I tried again to discuss our situation you stone-walled me. You said if i wasn't happy I was free to leave. That is one of my otions. You are satisfied enough in this marriage, not to make any changes. I have stood by you all these yrs, supporting you and your efforts. Being patient and waiting for my turn. I have developed a meaningful life to take away the loniless my marriage creates. I am tired of being ingnored. Your needs can be met thru a maid and a clerk (I can give you a few names). Do you care enough to work on this or do you feel ultimately I can look like the bad guy because I am the one who left? BTW, at this point I am just taking a little vacation. I need a break to think about everything. This is another cry for you to wake up. As far as giving up Descent and hunting..what is that all about? Don't forget I got my hunting license one yr so we could do that together. I will be away from Josh's computer after 2 today. I am getting the girls from their schools. Hannah will be at my dad's, krista at the Murrays. I will be at Teresa's tonite and the rest of the weekend. Sorry to say this, but your son is very happy. He hasnt even asked for you. That is sad. The girls are very freaked out about your behavior last nite. I hope this family doesn't break up, but the sad point is, they are not loosing anything. They don't have an involved father. You are the one loosing out. They are almost grown up, but there still is a chance. Do you care enough to make some changes? I have always been willing to be better for your sake. Love, Polly<p><p><p><br>

Polly,<br>I am a Christian also and as I read about your circumstance, the thought that I had was that your husband won't change unless he is made to. I've been told before that people won't change until the pain to change is greater than the pain to stay where you are at. You've seen that yourself in the first year of your marriage when you told him shape up or ship out. I think by leaving him now, that is a start. It's a wake up call for him, but he must make some changes and he won't unless the pain is great enough for him. So, I encourage you to keep the pressure on him. I also might suggest that you seek out a competent, professional Christian counselor or pastor to seek additional counsel. I wish you the best.

Alanon girlfriend!!!!!!