Well,<BR> The divorce papers have arrived.No note,no letter,no nothing.But it is a generous settlement on my behalf,so I can be grateful for that.<BR> So,I guess in about 90 days I'll be joining the ranks of all the other divorced people out there.Never thought it would happen to me,but then who does?<P> --Murph

Murphy,<P>I am sorry. ......you are right we don't ever think that it will happen to us.<BR>Even tho I am the one that filed,and started the process,I still feel that way.<P>Hang in there!<P>Gina <P>

Murph,<P>I'm so sorry to hear that you received papers. You've hung on for so long! No, we never think it will happen to us but at least you didn't have to be the one to file. You took your vows seriously, and you weren't the one that walked out on the marriage. Keep your chin up! <P>Tulip

Tulip,<BR> I need to clarify something.I will be doing the filing.I had my lawyer draw the papers up based on our agreement,and I sent them to my W to sign,and send back.There are several reasons for my filing,so don't judge me too harshly.You're right,I did take my vows seriously,and I didn't walk out on her.<BR> <BR> Gina,Thanks for your support. <P> --Murph

Murph,<P> <P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage & Relationship Resources</A>

Murph,<P>I also filed although divorce isn't really what I wanted. I just couldn't go on in limbo anymore. You did what you had to do. But that doesn't make it any easier. I'm not looking forward to getting my divorce papers either, but it is only a matter of time. I don't know about you, but everytime something like this happens, it's like I found out about the affair all over again. The wound still feels raw. Does it ever get better? Do we ever stop hurting? I hope so. I don't know how long a person can hurt like this without relief. Sometimes I just long to go to bed and stay there in dreamland. Even my nightmares are better by comparison.<P><P>------------------<BR>Blessed be.<BR>****************<BR>Keridwen<P>Keridwen_7@yahoo.com

Murph,<P>Oops! Sorry I misunderstood you. I'm not sure if it was from being tired or if my brain just took the evening off! <P>I wouldn't judge you harshly for filing. I was the one who filed in my divorce also. I hated to be the one to file, but I felt it was necessary for numerous reasons. You've definitely given your wife time to come around. Good luck and take care.<P>Tulip<P>

I had to file too, for custody and finacial reasons........I cried the whole time I filled out the papers....<P>I never thought in a million years I would be getting a divorce either. But my H has changed. He is not the man I married. He is not a man I want to be married to anymore. I want my REAL H to please stand up. I miss him. The one I see now is a stranger.<P>I trying to be strong and move forward and be happy...at least for my kids.<P>Hang in there......my first trial date is the 27th of this month...looks like a postponment...but we could settle out of court and then really get the ball rolling. In a way I wonder if I will feel better when it is all over with, instead of the limbo land.<P>Be thankful you got a good settlement...I think I will too since my H just wants out.

Murph,<BR>Our mirror stories continue, as I had filed also. <P>So sorry it had to come to this. Now is the time for you to heal.<P>Hang in there,<P>God Bless<P>Bob

Yes!! Immediately after you go to court you may feel worse but it gets better. And it gets better with the passage of time. <P>My X filed in early '95 and moved out 4 months later. He kept jerking my chain and changing his mind. On our anniversary in '96 (Valentine's Day), he had it dismissed - without telling me- and throughout the time between '95 and late '97 he kept on giving me mixed verbal messages but really bad emotional messages. So I filed on his birthday in late '98 and we got to court nearly a year later. Had the settlement worked out when we walked into the courtroom. I was so relieved to have it over. <P>The actual court thing was surreal. I could not believe I could be so happy to end my marriage but there are some people you are better off without. It was so wonderful to know that I could go on with my life. I fought to save the marriage - or was it a mirage - and while it broke my heart to do so, I knew I had been set free.<P><p>[This message has been edited by cinderella (edited June 09, 2000).]

Cinderella,<P>I think I like you! LOL LOL<P>You are thinking the same way I'm thinking, and my divorce isn't even final yet! Are there some people you're better off without?? In my case, definately!! My H is one in a million! Never thought I'd want to be without him but now can't wait to be rid of him.<P>Murph,<BR>I know it's been a while since she left, but trust me, it will get better. You've made it this far and kept your sense of humor. You will survive this and be the "better" man because of this.<P>Hugs,<BR>Mitzi

Mitzi - <BR>Thanks!! You made my day.<BR> <BR>Not only am I a fine woman but I am a *#@! fine woman. And this summer I am even a church secretary - so that proves it.<P>Yes, I do know beyond the shadow of a doubt that there are men we are better off without. (The x who is emotionally abusive and disrespectful to us in front of the children but in the same breath uses a voice laden with honey to speak to the children.)Besides, my therapist told me I would be better off to get out while I was sane and I did and I am. (Did you get that?)<P>But, here's my dilemna - if I know I'm better off without that man, and I'm doing fine emotionally, why do I have any interest in finding another man? Other than hormones. Why would I want to complicate my life? But that's a whole different topic.<p>[This message has been edited by cinderella (edited June 09, 2000).]

Murphy,<BR>Sorry to hear it wont be much longer. I am going into mediation soon. My lawyer says it will go much faster. So, if we agree it could be over in 60-90 days. <BR>I noticed something. I've read Pittman's book on divorce and it says that the betrayer is the one who files the majority of the time. I like you, had to file. (protect assets)<BR>It seems like a lot of us are the ones who did the filing. I find that interesting why we all are breaking that statistic. Considering we are at MB wanting to save our marriages.<BR>Anyway, after the testing comes the blessing.<BR>You keep strong.<BR>Lisa

Lisa,<BR>Interesting you should mention that about us "betrayed" filing. I have thought the same thing. Not only did I file (betrayed), but OW's H also filed. She didn't. Weird, huh? Although, now H can't seem to wait to get the divorce over with. Keeps asking me what's holding it up. Just normal red-tape, paperwork kind of junk.<P><P>------------------<BR>Blessed be.<BR>****************<BR>Keridwen<P>Keridwen_7@yahoo.com

Murph, You better get here soon or we're gonna take over your thread! <BR>How are you doing today?<P>Cinderella,<BR>I think it's a need for affection. I know that is one thing that I miss. Sure I get hugs from my kids and friends and family but it's just not the same as hugging someone who you are in love with. Affection is one of my top needs. I was without it for so long that it's a little bit frustrating, but that's for me and Murph's thread! LOL<P>Mitzi

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by tryingtoletgo:<BR><B> I've read Pittman's book on divorce and it says that the betrayer is the one who files the majority of the time. </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>That's an interesting statistic. I wonder where that came from? It would seem from what is posted here that it would be the betrayed who files. The betrayer seems to get involved for selfish reasons, but also wants to stay married... or keep things dragging on at least... for selfish reasons. It seems to me that the betrayed files after they are just fed up with the crap! <P>I (the betrayed) filed out of sheer horror and pride, but proceeded towards finality when I truly felt there was no other hope, things would not change, and my life would be better without all the drama. sad.

I guess I'm the exception - my H filed. It seems his OW was pushing him to introduce her to the kids, and he filed as soon as he did - I think a lot of it was that it somehow made his relationship with her "right" in his mind - he even told me that it was ok because he was planning on divorce (interestingly, he didn't say it was ok because we were separated). And then he told me that it was ok for me to date, but I should watch out for married men! <P>The concept of filing to protect yourself doesn't really apply in my state, you can get a temporary order if you are separated, whether anyone has filed or not.

I am so sorry, Murph.....<P>BIG HUGS!!!!<P>We all do what we have to when we have to.....as long as you are sure.<P>Regardless of "who files", an ending is a very hard thing.....and very sad.<P>You're in my prayers, friend.....<P>Hugs,<P>Sheba<P>PS - Nellie, I was filed on too...

Hi everyone,<BR> Thanks for your replies.I tried to get on earlier,but got the"temporarily being serviced"notice.<BR> It seems to me,too,that the betrayed end up filing.Perhaps the betrayer is too busy with their new life,and can't be bothered.I think that was the case with my W.<BR> Even my lawyer said most romantic affairs end in divorce,and he's seen a lot of them.He also said,that in my case where the spouse sacrifices everything for their new relationship,they usually later regret it.<BR> I think my stbx thinks we can be real good"friends"some day.I don't think so.I'm not friends with people I don't respect,and I don't take downgrades,not after 22 years together.<BR> So,what else is going on tonight?<P> --Murph

Hey Murphy,<P>It is not fun getting the legal stuff in the mail. It does sometimes make it all seem so real. I too filed to protect assets, he was buying cars and houses and stuff for OW. I went to the lawyer three times before I could sign them. I filed in March of 99, Mediated in Jan of 2000, and am still not divorced. I received a notice of cancelation of my divorce the other day. I guess if you sit on them to long they cancel them. Anyway, have a good weekend and try to do something fun.<P>Cinderella,<P>You sound like a fun gal! I like your attitude. I too often wonder why would I want to do it again? But with years of aloneness and therapy behind me, I have finally come to a point that I want to commit and remarry someday. I want to share my life w/someone I dig. I want to travel, dream and build a life with a companion. I am finally at an age where I have learned to relax and I want to do that with someone I care about. I know it is crazy, but it does give me goals to focus on and not waste my time dating people that are not interested in that type of life. Just because my ex betrayed me doesn't mean I can never trust again. I just have to believe. Maybe it is all wishful thinking but I am going to work towards this goal. <P>Gerri<P>