I am desperately in need of some assistance. Last night I tried to approach my husband in a calm manner about something that was bothering. I said my piece and turned it over to him. He immediately became sarcastic and bitter and I went on the lecture circuit. I told him that I couldn't live like this anymore and that I deserve better and I packed up and left. I called my parents who are 'big wigs' in World Wide Marriage Encounter. They told me to go home, that leaving only fed his insecurities and that I need to teach him by example. That he needs to know that I am committed and that I love him and that nothing is going to make me leave him like everyone else in his life has. Well, I did that. Now he is being unresponsive. He won't touch me, he won't talk to me. He says that he is never going back to marriage counseling. I get the feeling that he wants the marriage, but on his terms. The first time I step out of line, he is gone.<p>My question is what do I do? I want my marriage and I did marry him for better or for worse. But he is content to live and let happen whatever happens. He doesn't want to put any work into it. I am desparate. We have only been married 18 monthes. I don't want it to end!<br>

Dear Desperate,<br>Read my column on NO INTIMACY and learn from my mistakes. If I knew now, what I knew then I would have allowed him to walk away that 1st yr. I too feared failure, but that is not as bad as a marriage that you are always begging your mate for a life together. Youre young and can get on w/ life. Youre doing everything you feel you should be doing. I am sure you realize that you can't make the other person change. Tell your husband that you love him and want to make things work, but it really is up to him. Be who your are, don't allow him to be a wet blanket in how you enjoy your life. If he leaves it is of his own accord. If he is not willing to work on the marriage now, chances are he never will. He acts like my husband. Ignore the problems and don't deal w/ them. I have been in your boat for 23 yrs.! Find your happiness in the Lord. Cry out to Him. That has been my source of strength. I don't believe in divorce either, so hang in there as long as your circumstances warrent it.

Poll is right - you just have to ignore it and deal with it. I am doing the same thing. If you WANT to stay married, do; but ignore his attitude. You have to in order to get by. I can't MAKE my husband be nice, communicate, be intimate, be sensitive; he won't EVER change or be that way. He wont get help; go to counseling or talk. Basically, he's a jerk. BUT, I don't want to go thru divorce so I try to deal with it while I about mentally break down.

I know this is a late reply. I just started browsing the forum, looking for suggestions on my situation. When I read your previous replies, I felt compelled to respond. I have been in your situation for nearly 25 years! I tried counseling a couple of times from years 10 to 15. Changes were only temporary, just enough to keep me in the marriage a little longer. By year 15, I knew it was useless, but I decided to do the best I could until the kids were older, then re-evaluate the situation. The re-evaluation has led me to believe that we could live together fine for the rest of our lives as long as there is no attempt to improve the relationship (That is, me the complete "giver" and him the complete "taker".) <br> My advise to you: If there are no kids involved, get out of the relationship, now! These kind of people do not change. If you refuse to divorce on pure principles, seriously consider not having any children, unless there is a permanent change in attitude. Have him read the info on this website and if he can't fully agree with what's being said, there is no hope!

Sorry for the double posting - My first ever attempt at a Bulletin Board!<p>[This message has been edited by momma monkey (edited 11-23-98).]

Momma Monkey: Has your re-evaluation led you to make any different decisions? My husband sounds exactly like yours. (100% Taker) He doesn't think we have any problems in our marriage, all while he doesn't communicate, hates sex (see other post), is moody, etc. He absolutely will not budge one inch in the way he is. The funny part is, I think he is truly far more needy of our relationship than I am. <p>I had decided to let things ride until the kids were gone. Well, we only have one child left who's in college, so I'm now at that crossroad. I'm so tired of living this way. I'm only 38 years old. Do you think if you left your husband it would change him? I don't think my husband would be willing to change even in the face of divorce. He once told me he'd rather divorce than talk to a counselor. I love him, but the mental abuse he puts me through is more than I can take. <br>Lisa