Anyway, my question is what do you do when people pry? <p>[This message has been edited by popeye (edited June 11, 2000).]

This is one of the hardest things because I think we get our identity from our husbands. I mean we take their names. You are having difficulty accepting it is over and moving on. <P>I must be doing the same because people here keep telling me what I know and that I have little to hope for. But I still hope that my husband will be the man god intended me to be with. In my case it hurts so much to hear someone say they still love you and want you, you still love him and want to be with him, but then he won't talk or spend time with you. It is so hard then to tell others you are divorcing or divorced.

That is a good question Popeye. When your marriage was going well, you had no reason to disparage it. Don't feel ashamed that you were hopeful and loved your husband. He is the one who lost faith. <P>Those people who "like" to see someone else fail are hurting too. Those who were married before are suffering from losing their innocence like you are. Some are more mean spirited about it, but I think most can be touched with something simple like "I loved my husband, and am very sad our marriage is over. Please respect that this is a hard time for me and that I don't feel like discussing it."<P>If you don't feel comfortable with something like that, maybe you could say something like "Our marriage had problems and my husband didn't want to try anymore". It is brief, it is honest without bashing your H, and it usually closes off any further questions.

TheStudent is right. Think of a way....a one liner that still shows you have dignity and tell them if they ask.<P>I was terrible about that at first. I thought....Hell...my husband couldn't keep his pants zipped up and I'm going to tell the world.<P>Well guess what...they don't care if he couldn't keep his pants zipped up. In society today....women think that is terrible, but then they go after the same people. Go figure.<P>There is a girl that works with my stbx that has had a crush on him for at least 8 years. When she heard about us....we talked several times, and in fact she was very helpful at first. But then she would start saying she heard him whispering on the phone to someone, or I would call and she would answer the phone and say...Gosh...didn't you just get off the phone with him...when I would reply...no...she would say...oh it must have been someone else. Cut right through me. Up until last month she was hot after him...and she is married. Now it is a different story, but originally...she could have cared less that he cheated on me....had me arrested....abused me and the girls etc. But then again she only knew about the cheating part. She knew about the arrest but had no idea the "real" truth about it. And now I think through him talking at work....she has no respect for him anymore.<P>But now when people ask...I just tell them that I loved my husband, but it didn't work out.<P>Sometimes...when they are closer to me...I say...I loved him so much...but I just am not willing to share him with another woman. I know...crude...but it is the truth. But that came after time.....because I was humiliated....so embarrassed by what he has done....but not anymore....he needs to be embarrassed by that. He humiliated himself...I didn't.<P>Nancy

From the people I have seen, those that want to see others fail lack self-confidence and are selfish. they want others to fail so that they feel better, not for the goodness of anyone else, but to validate themselves. People who have unresolved anger, or unrealistic expectations of life, who have a hard time dealing with their own human imperfections, want to see others fail.<BR>My IL are sort of like that, critical and jealous of the successful in business.<P>I don't want to see others fail, but I want to learn WHY others fail to learn from it.<BR>That's why the Harley books make so much sense. Are these people trying to learn WHY, or are they selfishly motivated?<P>The OM is goading my wife on, i found one of her notes telling her to escalate it, because I know the secrets. Is he really concerned about my W solving her problems? He is not really, he is just hurting from his own D, <BR>and wants to satisfy some selfish needs.<P>Do what you think is right, and forget the other people.<P>thl<BR>

Popeye, <BR>I've faced this issue too. I have a problem with feeling that when someone asks me a question I owe them an answer, and to not answer would be rude. A very dear friend gets so angry with me about this. She would tell the person it is none of their business. But in a business setting you sometimes can't afford to alienate people that way. <BR>I agree that there are pockets of women (and men) who want to hear all the gory details so that they can feel better about their own situations. Then there are those who are just plain nosey and have to know everyones business. <BR>I can't say that I've figured out the best response, but I would suggest that you take it on a case by case basis or on a "need to know" basis.<P>Perhaps a brief sentence stating the immediate fact "H and I are divorcing" or "H and I are separated". The suggestions that others have made above open up conversation a bit more. Saying anything that would make you look like a victim (even though you feel like one) is not good in the long run. You want these people (business associates) to see you as in charge. Also placing blame on someone else (even though it is the case) in a business setting makes you look like you can't handle things. <BR>I know this all sounds very cold and calculating. But it's good to remember that you do not "owe" these ppl an insight into your personal life if they are not your personal friends. And in the long run how you handle this now will influence your business associates perseption of you in the future. <P>On the flip side, during a weak moment I did share a little of my situation with a business associate. She is now one of my best friends because we happen to be going through similar situations. I know she is not gloating over the destruction of my marriage. We are helping eachother though the tough parts and giving eachother strengh. So sometimes sharing can be a positive experience. <P>Good luck. <BR>

There is something else I've learned this year. The only people who know why and how a marriage fell apart are the people who were in it. If I had a week to explain it all, I'd probably never be able to make someone understand everything that happened. Heck, I don't understand it all myself. So, it is not being sneaky or dishonest or rude to "keep it simple" when talking about your divorce to other people. The people who truly care about your health and welfare won't try to pump you for details.

Popeye,<BR> Maybe I'm all wet,but it seems women can be a lot more nosy than men when it comes to someone else's marital problems.Perhaps it's because women think more about relationships than men generally do?<BR> There are a lot of guys at work who have gone through divorce,and they were pretty understanding,and didn't pry.<BR> I suppose I could tell people what my stbx tells them,"We grew apart".Yeah right,about 60 miles apart.But now I find I can sometimes jokingly say"I got traded in for a newer model".I told that to a gal at work who got divorced after 27 years,and she rolled her eyes,and said,"That's what happened to me,too." Seems like we have a lot of company.<P> --Murph

Silence implies consent...so while it is really no one elses business the truth is that I do tell people that H traded me in for a much younger model<P>I have read all the replies...and feel that if society knew the actual devestation infidelity caused, perhaps people would think about it. I do not feel like a failure and I used to be the most private person.<BR>Now when people ask me I have no hesitation in stating the following<BR>"H is going ythrough a full blown MLC with all the bells and whistles"<BR>"He needed to be uncle dad"<BR>Of course when I know people really want the goods and ask how I am I just state fine<BR>BUT LET "society" know that the kids are not fine, that infidelity is not without MAJOR consequences (especially if WS goes around stating "we had different values" which is the most poathetic bunch of cr@p I have ever heard....yes if ws needs to be with a 20 year younger bimbo, i guess that means "different values" well hello.......<P>The other part is that i lost so much weight that people ask if I am ill...so I tell them stressed but healthy....<P>

Popeye,<P>You sound like a strong woman. <P>Remain strong. Remain proud. You didn't jump ship. It's not your fault. Your H failed you due to his weak soul and lack of commitment to your marriage.<P>I agree with TheStudent too, tell your colleagues that you and your H are having irreconciable problems and that he has given up trying. It's a simple answer, but sufficient to stop those who want to see you hurt.<P>I wish you luck in your ordeal.<P>Andrew

Well,<P>I just had my first encounter with a long time personal friend, with my family. We presented as a family, and when we had to go,<BR>I was left alone with him, and told him the truth.<P>"We are getting D. Wife's idea, MLC."<P>that all he needed to know, but since the kids don't know yet, not out of school, I can't comment on the kids. But I agree with the notion that the kids will not be all right, and that they should be told that the kids are not all right if they are not.<BR>given the way our spouses are acting, if we didn't have kids, would we be as understanding and patient?<P>Why is it that the WS always thinks that the kids will be OK? It must be the fantasy, and the selfishness. <P>I haven't quite figured out how to tell the kids either.<P>thl

Popeye, while your marriage is still not over, maybe it's best to say to those prying people that you just don't wish to discuss it, in a friendly way. If your marriage ends, that's the time to declare its final status, but still without assigning blame to anyone, it seems more dignified that way. Let those people wonder, you don't owe them any explanation, & it wouldn't help you or your S sharing anything with them.<BR>

thl,<BR>My then w and I both sat the kids down and told them that they were not to blame, that their mother and I couldn't live together anymore and that we were divorcing. No mention was mad of their mother being crazy, in the midst of a MLC, with om waiting in the wings. <P>We made it clear as we could, that it was not about them.<P>Incidently that was the second time we told them. The first time w went ahead and told them herself. We were supposed to do it when I got home from work, but she had to run out and see om, so she told them that she was probably going away for a while, like it was an extended shopping trip.<P>When I found her and om together at motel, I went home and told the kids we were divorcing then. That was on 7-2-99.<P>The second time was after we/I attempted reconciliation and was around 11-9-99.<P>Just keep it simple and let the kids know they are not to blame. <BR>