Hello all! I have been reading here for a while and have decided to finally post. <BR> I have held onto my H for so long. It is definately time to give up now. He has truly destroyed a wonderful loving relationship. My H has left me again for the 4th time to live with the OW. He had decided that the divorce route was the best way to go for him. I have been against it. I believe in saving my marriage. I believe that God created our marriage and that it was always salvagable, until now. The love that I have for him has made it possible for me to stay sane all of this time. I have given him my heart, my love, my understanding, my forgiveness all for pain and heartache. <BR> We sat down with our children the other day because he thought that they should know. To see how much that he has hurt our children, to know what they now must go through in their lives, has made my love for him turn into hatred. I also have come from a broken family and have had trouble dealing with it all of my life. My goal in life was always to have a loving wonderful family that would always stay together, but I have not succeeded. <BR> I hurt now, not because I am alone, but because my children feel that they have lost their Daddy. I cannot understand how he can just disreguard all of us so easily for his own selfish reasons. He has been manipulating me, running back and forth, and he expects that I will take him back again if he so chooses to come home. I want to keep my family together, but at this present time I cannot see that ever happening. I feel so betrayed in every sense of the word. I have been praying for him everyday, but today I haven't been able to. I am not sure that the love that I have held on for so long could ever allow me to accept him in my heart again. <BR> He has been so confused since this has all been going on, and has seemed to just take advantage of my kind heart. Now he is a different person. I loved the old him and I think that's what I have been holding on to, but he is not the same anymore. Maybe deep down inside some of that is still left, but I haven't seen it for so long. <BR> I hope that he can find true happiness again. I hope that he can find the answers that he is looking for. I hope that he continues to be a father to our children. I know what it is like to have your father leave and not care much about you anymore. I hope that God will forgive me for not holding on. I hope that God will change his heart one day. Who knows, I really can't say NEVER, but today it looks that way! <BR> Not sure why I am writing here, maybe I just wanted to state my feelings to someone. At least some of you here might understand. <P>I hope that your lives are not as messy as mine. Outlook here has just not been good at all! Thank you for reading.....

Hey.....<P>I am so sorry for your pain. The hardest thing is to let go of something you tried so hard to save.<P>My H is not the man I married either. He is a stranger to me and my kids. His behavior and actions does not belong to the man we love, but this alien that has overtaken his body.<P>I truly believe they are in a fog....<P>But we have to be strong for us and for our kids. We are the ones that have to deal with their pain, while S can leave and not have to deal with it face to face. That way they can pretend that they did not hurt us and our kids.<P>hang in there...and let us know how you are doing

{{{{{{MyKids&Me}}}}},<P>You are not alone...<BR>...so many here have tried...<BR>...and it really isn't in our hands.<P>"I hope that God will forgive me for not holding on."...<BR>...God hates divorce<BR>...but divorce is not the sin<BR>...it is your H's infidelity that is the sin<BR>...check out <A HREF="http://members.xoom.com/DianeDew/adulforn.htm" TARGET=_blank>Adultery</A>... it gives some scriptural background.<P>Yes... everyone contributes to a breakdown of any relationship...<BR>...but the ultimate of infidelity is squarely on the WS's shoulder.<P>I'm praying for you... <P>Jim

ok, I have let go of the anger. I again have given this whole ordeal, my pain, my anger......to God again. I have decided to do this everyday...also forgive my H everyday. I am becoming a happy person because of God's love. I have let go, not completely, but I am moving on. I'm not waiting on H anymore. I am learning to make myself happy and my life good all with God's help every step of the way! I can sleep, I can eat, I do not worry, I feel safe. It is totally in God's hands! That is what God has wanted from me all along.<P>Whatever happens, happens. God is in the drivers seat, and I am sitting in back along for the ride. lol<P>H came by yesterday unexpectedly. First time I have heard from him since we told the kids. He is not happy. Says he is going thru a lot of self-hatred, but he is still just as confused. I'm not sure how it went, but I know that I didn't let him get me down. I didn't let him get the best of me, and I let him know that I am not waiting on him anymore. I'd say it went well! <P>Last thing, something that I have just recently learned is that NO ONE can make YOU happy.....only YOU! You must be happy with yourself and WHO you are!!!! I am learning who I am again, and it feels good!