I read so many wonderful comments in these pages.. please send me some advice.I posted some info on the 'Other Topics' page but feel this one is better for my situation. (I also posted that one in a bit of anger)<P>Do I continue to be patience and send Love Units, or is it time to 'take care of myself' and fix some of these lose ends? (this would mean doing some non-Love Unit stuff)<P>W and I have had some rough times for the past couple years. She started am EA W/ a coworker because I wasn't giving her enough attenion, support - the usual. We started counseling and she was told to stop all contact w/ him. I was to give more and try to meet her needs better (again all the usual around these pages). <P>Well after some time, she not only didn't stop her EA, she continued another one which I, nor the counselor were aware of. She had never mentioned this other EA in sesssions or to me when I questioned her about him. So after discovery, I was still willing to work on us and build the love again. <P>It's been a couple of months since then and now she has moved into her own apt. She has been getting -from what I can tell- the typical 'we mean well' advice (Co-Dep movement stuff, you deserve better, make yourself happy, etc.). She left her animals(except the dog which she knew I was very close to) here and a lot of her stuff. She also left me w/ 3 months of past bue bills that she wasn't paying. She has said many times that she would come and get that animals and clean up her mess. but after a couple of weeks neither has happened. She has also said that she still loved me many times. <P>I don't know if I'm just being an idiot here or not, but I do not want a divorce. I want us to work on us and try to build it back but her actions (or rather lack of) really are pissing me off! I am angry everytime I smell the rabbits and try to pay another bill off. <P>When I try to talk to her about us she says she needs to fix her. She has lied so many times before and I don't know if I can take another knife in the heart. If I were to push more of the love units and do everything in my power to bring her back, then have her go off w/someone else of leave I fear I will really lose it. If I were to just start 'fixing me' and send her critters to her and 'clean up-out' her stuff would that just drive us further apart. I did change the locks on the house. I want to have at least a bit of my own space at this point and never knowing when she might just crash in bothered me. Maybe this wasn't the right move but it's done.<P>So... send more Love or plan to move on w/my life?<BR>Thanks....<p>[This message has been edited by TM (edited June 10, 2000).]

TM,<BR>I am honestly not the most knowledgable with the MB principles, however this is what I've learned and hopefully someone who has been here longer will help too.<P>My understanding is that as long as she is still involved with someone else she will not respond to your PlanA. She will continue in her belief that she *is* doing the right thing. The minute that the EA/s end you will have a chance. However, if you do continue to PlanA during this time and even though you are not seeing any response I think it is subconsciously getting through. And you will reap the reward later.<P>With that said, I have to ask the question, "Why does it have to be all or none in your actions?"<BR>My suggestion is to make yourself stronger do what you need to do for you. But keep her things (clothes, belongings, pets) until she asks for them. She will probably come around faster if she sees that you are taking care of yourself and you aren't waiting around for her. It's a strange human trait that we want something that is not so openly available to us, and that is strong and self-assured. <BR>I know that when I start concentrating on me and my needs and I stop bowing to his every need I get much more attention from my stbx. This doesn't mean you should be rude and ignore her, it just means that if you aren't always available or you aren't so eager to help or to be there she might notice that you have a life too. <P>I don't know that this has made any sense or has helped any. I can understand what you are trying to accomplish, but I don't think you need to take such drastic moves at this time.<BR>

I agree. It doesn't have to be an all or nothing proposition. I feel I pushed my situation by making him get all of his stuff, filing papers, quitting working for him, and cutting financial ties. I felt with each decision that it was something that I needed to do to get out of limbo, get on with my life, protect myself, and to take care of me. Each decision also pushed us in the direction of divorce.<P>With all that's happened since then and all that's been revealed, I think it was the best thing in my case because nothing would have made a difference. The delay would have only been that- a delay. <P>If I were in the same situation again though and I felt there was hope for my marriage, I'd take it slower. I'd nurture the love and hope, but not wait around. In other words, I'd take care of me so long as it didn't hurt us or draw lines in the sand dividing us.