I am at the end of my rope and could just kill somebody. I am not interested in "preserving good feelings" or seeing the bright side of anything. I am so fed up with being walked on and make the bad guy!<P>In the post "what do you say" I asked about what to tell people about the separation. I mentioned that it was a business/social situation where people seemed to just want the information to gloat and feel better about themselves. <P>Well, I found out about that. The whole community knew through the grapevine that my marriage wasn't as good on the inside as my smiling face said it was. Three or four years ago, my H was with one of these snakes in the grass. I always wondered why she was distant, seemed jealous, was competitive, and never had anything to say to me. I just thought it was ego, but she was WITH MY HUSBAND! I don't know if he knew she knew me, but she certainly knew who he was. She knew all about the intimate details of our lives.<P>He said the affairs started "at the very end" and that he went on a rampage. He was on a rampage the entire time.<P>I confronted him with this and he says I made up the whole thing! For what reason? I sat here and made up an false encounter so that I could be miserable and in tears yet again. I made it up so that my faith in humanity could be further destroyed? I made it up so that I could create an impression that he is worse than he already is? As if 3 OW and an OC are not enough?<P>To make matters worse, the H is telling me I'm crazy or conniving. He said I've been doing "weird things".<P>I told him that I called two of the women, but that was all I did. There was a woman sitting in the street as I was pulling out of the driveway. She was sitting there just staring at me. I wondered if she needed something or what was her deal. I wonder if he thinks I made that up? For what reason? <P>I had a conversation with his live-in whore that she denies. The whore said, "Well, let's call her then", so she did and I hung up on her because I felt she had some nerve violating my house with her filth. I had nothing to say to her. He took that as "proof" that we never spoke. Why would I make that up? To hurt myself? For justification for going on a rampage over something that isn't true?<P>I told him that someone was trying to get my e-mail password. I got a "hint question" from the server indicating that I'd forgotten my password, but I never sent any such thing. I was furious! All this happened since the truth about his infidelity came out, and he doesn't see any connection. He thinks I am making it up for some strange reason.<P>His computer crashed and he brought it to me to get it up again. While I had it, I discovered that his girlfriend was reading his e-mail. He confronted her and she denied it. He said, "If she's lying, she is the most convincing liar I have ever seen." I showed him proof of it, but he still can't believe that she lied then or ever.<P>He said I am using my daughter to get to him. You all have seen my posts about how I think she should be sheltered from all of this. Why would I put her in the middle? I certainly don't encourage their interaction, but if she says she wants to talk to him or do something with him for Father's Day (which she did), I am not going to stand in her way either. She tells me how she wants to talk to him, but doesn't know what to say. She asks me if he's with the "homewrecking baby's" mother (her name for the OC) instead of us. That is honest. That is straight from her heart. Can't he see that he is responsible for that hurt and that I would never perpetuate it? I've left the door open for their relationship hoping she'd regain some respect for him and he'd be worthy of her love. What a mistake!<P>He is trying to fight to change our separation agreement so that I will get less. He is so ignorant about finances that he doesn't even know he has a good deal. There is so much that wasn't even considered in the agreement, like his retirement fund (I didn't touch it) and my credit card debt (I kept it all). We are entitled to split that. If I got half his retirement fund and could give him half my debt, I would be sitting pretty, let me tell you! If he gets anywhere with this, I am going to ask the court to order a sale of all joint property. He is trying to F*** me again. I will have much more money and he will be in the same sorry financial predicament I am in. Have you heard me complain?! I've said it's not fair, but it is what we agreed on so that we would both be alright. It's never been about the money, but if he wants to make it an issue, he will lose.<P>I am so sick of having my character questioned. I am so sick of him praising these whores and condemning me. Can't he see them for what they are? OC's mom is the one who told me about their affair to hurt me and push me out of his life. She's the one who hired a detective to find out what he was doing and where he lived so that she could serve him with papers and make whatever other plans she has in store. And I am the conniving one! I am not perfect, but all my deeds are out in the open and accounted for. And now I am the "weird" one. ??? What do you make of that?<P>I am sick of people whispering in his ear (I assume- maybe I am giving him too much credit) and telling him I am "bad" and I am taking advantage of him. What a crock!<P>I am just tired of the whole da** mess and want it to be over with. I don't want to face another woman who has slept with my husband. I don't want to hear another whisper of how horrible of a person I am. I don't want anyone to say that I did not suffer a loss of dignity, respect, and a whole lot of love because of the selfishness of this man. I am tired of defending myself and of being strong. I am tired of being alone in this. I am tired of protecting my daughter from his thoughtlessness. I am tired of looking out for his best interest while he looks for ways to Fu** me! I just want this to be over and for him to be seen for the scum that he is. I want him to leave me alone. <P>I want him to have been worthy of 8 years of my life and all of my love. I want him to be someone worth all my pain and sacrifice. I want out of this. I'm so tired...

Popeye,<P>I am so sorry to hear about your pain. God, your husband is a slime and piece of s***. I cannot respect anyone who abandons a marriage and commits infidelity. It is one of the worst crimes anyone can commit to another individual. <P>You are justified to feel hurt, betrayed, and angry. You lost so much dignity and respect in this whole process. Your whole world has been turned upside down.<P>When I feel like all my problems are too overwhelming and I feel helpless, a good friend of mine tells me to stop looking at the bigger picture. Stop looking at all the issues at hand revolving around the divorce. Try to take one day at a time. Find things to keep you busy. <P>Do things you enjoy with your daughter and try not to think about your H. Do something nice for yourself.<P>You are the good guy in this situation. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise! You are the devoted partner. It's not your fault your H turned out to be a pathetic spouse. Don't blame yourself for not seeing his flaws. <P>Andrew<p>[This message has been edited by Guy-next-door (edited June 11, 2000).]

Popeye:<P>I am speechless, I don't know what to say. I'm and shocked, disgusted and enraged for you.<P>The horror of this man's rationalizations and betrayals is despicable and evil and I am appalled at these trash women--this 'cast of thousands'.<P>The thing that stands out to me is that since there are so many of these predatory whores, it says volumes about him, Popeye. HE'S the one that looks like the LOSER, the PIG, the IMMORAL and IMMATURE child. <P>My former husband (before David) was a serial betrayer. With so many women, none of them meant anything. He was into quantity, not quality. The betrayals were simply vehicles to bolster his pathetic ego.<P>The acquaintences who have knowledge of your husband's many betrayals while you were in the dark, have no respect for your husband. They see him as weak, a philanderer, a joke. They see you as someone who has kept her dignity.<P>Please see your attorney tomorrow and do what ever you can to insure your financial future. There is no reason whatever to continue to be the good guy and sacrifice yourself financially for loftier goal of self respect. You will still have that, Popeye. You must protect your assets and take only what is rightfully yours.<P>Back later<P>Catnip =^^=

Popeye,<P>Ok...I'm done crying...well sort of. I DO know how you feel. I am sick of the same things. You know...I am the bad guy too. I live in a small town and he has literally gone to my dentist...the town hall...the school to tell his side of a story that they knew very little about. I get condesending looks....stares....and the typical whispering.<P>Popeye....my stbx's OW had me arrested. How horrible. It was all a lie and they thought it was funny. Laughed and talked on the phone that night while our children sat right there and heard his every word.<P>Why are we the ones that feel embarrassed, humiliated and hurt. They did this...they thought nothing of airing our dirty laundry....telling our secrets to the OW and other people that were told to them in confidence and trust.<P>I trusted my deepest darkest secrets and fears with this man...and he blabbed and turned and twisted it....to the point that he had people believeing I was mental....<P>If you ever need to talk....<P>my e-mail<BR>Kenizanasshl@aol.com

Popeye,<BR>hang in there...it is so hard especially when there are children involved. I feel for you and can only state that you need to let go of your image of a man who cares about, or even perhaps understands the devestation he has caused.<BR>I found that when his lawyer kept on casting illusions that I was trying to keep the kids from him, turning their minds against him etc was all so much lies, which I know the kids would not believe, that I learnt to depersonalize the accusations that I was crazy, that I did not know what I was doing and I just ignore all this stuff and in no way let his beliefs of who I am get to me. He really had no idea of who I was (after 22 years)Continue doing what you believe to be correct for you and your daughter and let the story play itself out. There is nothing to be gained by investing more energy in anything else except you and your d at this point in time. Your H has to work out his feelings , behaviour and consequences etc.<P>I know this is not easy to do, but once I knew where H was head wise...and that was to destroy my relationship with all 4 of my 4 kids as if this was a contest, I stopped reacting to any of this, but dealt with the kids as if I was the only parent with any sense(which in fact I am)<P>But this has made this mess so much harder...financially he is trying to screw me, but that will not happen without a major legal battle.<BR>My 4 kids love us both and they have to work out their relationship with each of us.

Popeye,<BR>How well I know the feeling of being, <BR>"Stoned by the Villagers"! <P>It feels like every member of the community "conspired" in your betrayal by their silence<BR>and now that you *know*, people seem more than happy to tell you that they *knew* that, and then some all along!<P>It's truly an awful feeling that does indeed cast a ugly shadow on humanity.<BR>I'm sorry you are going through this. I found this the hardest *phase* to get through when H and I split up. It does get better girl.<BR>Hang on.<p>[This message has been edited by Girlfriend (edited June 11, 2000).]

Popeye-<P>I can feel your pain and hurt that has been mentioned as those replied before me.<P>Regardless of what side of the equation you happen to be on when this terrible and tragic event shakes your marriage...understanding and realizing through all the hurt and pain that you may have not been completely honest and upfront with yourself about your marriage...is a very hard thing to realize and accept. (It was for me...denial and working to make it "Look" like a solid, caring, nurturing and loiving marriage was the behavior - but not what I knew was down deep in my heart and soul!)<P>Self-care for you is important! Drawing new boundaries may also be something you may need to do more of as you build and support your sense of self. I admire you for the patience and "Hanging In" you demonstrate when you help a "Crashed" PC re-boot and re-build that many women would scoff at even the thought of working on for their wayward spouse.<P>From your posts, you seem not to be crazy, of questionable character, strange, weird or any of the things you metion in your post.<P>As I said...self-care and looking our for your interests first, seem to be a focus that my help to support you more and lessen the frustration and stress that you feel day to day.<P>I'm hopeful that you begin to start looking out for the important things that ensure your well being and chances to move forward without giving in to what so far seems to be a "Win" / "Lose" set of rules your husband has come to expect to always end up with.<P>mrrlk<P>

Popeye,<P>I've always thought that the nature of "evil" is confusion. People who do evil or who are evil surround themselves in confusion. They must protect themselves from self-knowledge at ALL COSTS. Including the emotional and physical health of all those around them.<P>Please don't feel ashamed that you tried to take the high ground. You've seen your H's character, and you can move on without any regrets.<P>This is such a hard time for you. On the "brighter side", this experience is truly giving you the opportunity to see who your true friends are. When you come across these people in the future, you will be much better equipped to avoid them. <BR><p>[This message has been edited by TheStudent (edited June 12, 2000).]