Only last week I posted on the EN board asking if H's anger could be overcome. H said wanted to reconcile and we were starting to be intimate again. Our divorce was days away. I was debating postponing to try to work things out. I didn't know there was an OW. Well, ran into them yesterday. H definitely was with the OW. I asked him if he was ok. He said no. Said his life was terrible. He looked so unhappy. He said he needed a break. The emotions with me were too much for him right now. (I thought yes you do you need a break from being in relationships you aren't capable of being in and hurting other innocent people. ) He even tried to tell me they were just friends. But the OW looked so happy because she was with my H. I feel so hurt. I am moving on but please give me words of encouragement.

Snowbunny...<P>Guilt is bringing him down...<BR>...but not down far enough to the fog to clear.<P>Keep as strong as you can be.<P>When will the divorce be final? Is it now?<P> <P>Jim

Dear Jim,<P>The divorce is this week. It hurts me to know that he is hurting himself. I mean will it really last for them? He wouldn't even admit she was his girlfriend.

As much as you want it to be better immediately, there is no instant healing. The truth is that, for you, right now, it doesn't matter whether or not it will last for them.<P>Maybe it will and he is out of your life forever. Maybe it won't and he'll try to reconcile with you. Maybe it won't and he's gone anyway. <P>You have no control over that. All you can control is the work you do on your own self. You can't do anything about their relationship unless you try to sabotage it and that is not in your best interest. <P>It's tough. My x left me so he could begin to see another woman. That never materialized and you can see in his eyes that something big is still wrong - mentally, emotionally, or spiritually. After 5 years of being without him, I know that I am far better off. He's getting married soon and I hope they're happy because it is in my children's best interest for important people - and the stepmother will be one - not to just come and go.<P>Time sure helps on these matters!! (Time and lots of hard work with a good therapist.)<P>Survival can be tough but each time I realize I have grown to the next level, it thrills me.

Snowbunny,<P>I'm sorry for your pain.<P>Statistics show they those types of relationships have a less than 5% chance of succeeding. <P>I just heard a rumor today that my x has an engagement ring. We were divorced on 2/1/00. om was divorced after that..<P>Hang in there and finf support for yourself. You can get through this. There are many of us here that have.<P>Bob

Jim, Cinderella, and RWD,<BR>Thanks for the words of encouragement. But if he can't get over his anger with me what makes him able to be over his anger and control it with her. Remember I was afraid of him and that is why we are where we are. He was violent. How was I suppose to make him happy and want to be with me? Why or How is it that she makes him happy now that he won't be angry and violent to her? What is wrong with me that I was not able to? Why not just let me go, he had her? Why do I still love him after all he has done? Am I wrong for feeling this way?

Ok, for starters, I was where you are. My H was very physically and emotionally abusive. he is still verbally abusive or should I say, he tries to be when I speak to him. <P>Know that it is not up to you to make him happy. If he can't be happy with himself, he won't be happy with anyone else. No matter what. <P>I know that I am better off without my H but it is the hardest thing to learn. He left in December and it took my only until March to figure that out. I am healing from the emotional scars and you can too. Until he decides that he doesn't like how he is behaving, the odds are low that he will change.<P>Mitzi

I couldn't agree with Mitzi more - I find that often the case.<P>I know that my x is not well emotionally. I can see a look in his eyes that used to not be there. There is no way you can have that look in your eyes and treat someone as badly emotionally as he treats me and be happy. I am so much better off without him that I can't believe I ever wanted to try to save that marriage. (I even feel sorry for his fiance' I can't believe she is stupider than I used to be and she can't blame her decision on youth. He must have sold her some bill of goods. But that's their problem.)<P>Right now he thinks she's making him happy. She's the new toy. (Ever noticed you can get a new toy each week at McDonald's? How long does the thrill last?)<P>I know that I grieved the loss of the relationship more than the loss of my husband. It was the end of my dream and, boy, do they die hard. I knew I hadn't been happy. I didn't like who he had become or what the marriage had become. I just knew I would die from it though. BUT- I DIDN'T!!<P>It was hard to see it go down the tube.<P>You feel this way because you tried. You feel rejected and it hurts badly. Nothing, probably, was wrong with you and if you had been a success at meeting every one of his stated needs, there would have been something else you did wrong. You still love the dream - and if he hurt you, he'll probably hurt her. Do you really want him hurting you anymore? <P>I had no idea what I was living in until it was crumbling around me. Even then I thought I would die - and even wanted to - though I could never have taken any action. But now I know that I would rather live alone the rest of my days than to live with someone who treated me that way.<P>I used to pray that God would "fix" it but now I see that He gave us the right to choose what we do. As we have that right, He does not get His way all the time. There are consequences to our actions and those consequences frequently hurt other people and they hurt God, too. God didn't fix my marriage. He did, however, fix my heart.<BR>He has, however, always been my strength. I see now how much better off I am. I've been awful mad at God through this but, in one way or another, He has always come through.<P>I once saw a presentation of "Cinderella" where the fairy godmother asked Cinderella if she liked the way the stepmother and stepsisters treated her. Cinderella said no and was then asked why she stayed. She said she stayed because this had been her father's home. The fairy godmother asked if she liked this kind of work and why she didn't find someone else to work for where she probably would have been paid and her living conditions would have been no worse. Cinderella, in that presentation, had to come up with the ideas - the dreams - before the fairy godmother could make anything happen. Nothing good happened in the pre-ball scene without Cinderella being pro-active. It was wonderful. You know, nothing in my divorce went my way unless I decided to ask for what I needed. I still didn't always get my way but I had to have the ideas. <P>Along the way I had a lot of pain but I'm still alive. The rejection and the growth wasn't easy. These are your dark days. They will get better. Then worse. Then better. You're grieving. No one died. But your dream life died. It's no easier than losing a family member. Maybe harder but lots of people have survived. You can make it.

Snowbunny,<P>I know how hard this is too... my X was emotionally abusive and controlling. I have found (after 10 months of living on my own and almost 4 months after the D) that it does get better... it does get easier.... you do get happier.<P>It is the death of a relationship, and needs to be mourned. It's not easy, but day by day, week by week, month by month.... it does start to get better.<P>I still hurt, I still miss the 'relationship', I still feel sad.... but it is BETTER. I LIKE ME now, and I am happier.<P>My thoughts & Prayers are with you.....<BR>Butterfly<BR><P>------------------<BR>There are deep sorrows and killing cares in life, but the encouragement and love of friends were given us to make all difficulties bearable. <BR>-- John Oliver Holmes<P>The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference.<BR>-- Elie Wiesel<P><BR>

Thanks to you all.<P>I am feeling a little better. RWD, 2/1/00, it seems awfully soon for your spouse to already have a ring. Just my humble opinion. How do these people do it? I would not be able to jump from person to person like it seems these people do. People are not toys! But you are right that my stbx's new girl is his new toy right now. I mean he says he is not happy. If she knew he was saying that would she still want to be with him? I understand she is comforting to him right now in his hurt but I can't see how that could turn into love and a good marriage. But it seems that happens and I will need to learn to accept it. It just seems wrong. <P>As for me, I can definitely say I wasn't happy. You are right it was the end of the dream and my belief that our marriage was sacred. He didn't think so. It is his violence and anger that will forever hold him back and that is sad for him. I know I don't want to live a life like that full of bitterness and anger. It isn't about winning an arguement, controlling others, or proving superiority, its about being happy! I want to be happy now. <P>I prayed all weekend that God would help me find my answers and he has come through for me once again. My faith has become stronger and stronger. I believe he was telling me that there is an eternal love that I am intended to be with. God wants me to be happy with that "eternal love". What happened yesterday was his way of telling me to move on so I can find and be with him.<BR>